For yet another year, Nevada’s premier festival of munt, Burning Man, returns to clog up our Instagram feeds and ruin social media with photos of cooked carnies, giant effigies of god-knows-what, temporary temples for the spiritually enlightened and muppets walking around in tribal headdresses, pepped up on goofballs. The festival, which annually attracts in excess of 70,000 people (ranging from the filthiest of hippies to billionaires like Elon Musk), has been a talking point for asshats the world over for 31 years, and Black Rock City, the temporary township that serves the masses, continues to grow each bloody time this thing’s on.
While the cost of a ticket to this tiresome display of truly terrible humans costs north of $500 AUD, the actual costs of getting to the states, hiring an RV (or buying a tent), sorting enough supplies to ensure you don’t dehydrate in the Nevada sun, then travelling into the middle of bumf*ck nowhere, are steep. Really steep.
Man of Many lives to give, so similarly to the article we featured on how to recreate Sydney’s pathetic Vivid festival in your own home, we’ve compiled a list of 10 ways you can embrace the famous ‘Ten Principles of Burning Man’ without leaving town.
Burning Man’s website states that “Burning Man co-founder Larry Harvey wrote the Ten Principles in 2004 as guidelines for the newly-formed Regional Network. They were crafted not as a dictate of how people should be and act, but as a reflection of the community’s ethos and culture as it had organically developed since the event’s inception.”
Larry sounds like a wanker. Enjoy, ravers.
I mean what the f*ck does this even mean? I’ve asked everybody who looked like they might have a clue (the yoga instructors next door to our office and some bloke with dreads in the vegan cafe downstairs) and nobody seems to have any idea, except for one who suggested it means including people. Logically, the best way to be more inclusive is to have a threesome, of course. Broach the topic with your loved one and hope for the best.
Burning Man thoroughly encourages the concept of gift giving as a great way to connect with your fellow man. Lucky for you, you don’t have to travel to Nevada to receive the warm fuzzy feeling that is sharing something with a stranger. Gifting can range from something homemade (baked goods are always a great way to make new friends), something inexpensive but special (personalised stationery is usually well received), or something that keeps on giving, like a magazine subscription, or herpes.
Refuse to pay for anything. The guys who demand north of $400 USD to go camping in the middle of a dry lake that physically can’t sustain life, preach decommodification, and so should you. If people question your logic mention something about cryptocurrency and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Just, please, don’t google this. Go without government funded infrastructure or some shit for a week. Make you own coffee in the morning. Just don’t. Google. This. Trust. Me. It. Is. Painful.
Wear a whacky tie to work. You share a small space with your co-workers all day, every day, but do they really know who you are? Share a part of you they might not yet have had the pleasure of seeing, by digging up something truly horrific from your tie drawer (if you’re not lucky enough to have the kind of c*nt relative who’d think that a Looney Tunes tie makes a great Christmas present then a quick trip to K-Mart with a fiver will do the trick.)
They say it takes a village to raise a child, so gather your neighbours together and apply to adopt one. Kids are a great addition to any community as they can be trained to clean, cook, fetch beers, and also offer a great first line of defence in the instance of a zombie apocalypse as they can’t run as fast as the adults.
In the real world, this is defined as general human decency on a daily basis, but for some reason needs to be specifically stipulated for the kind of dick that goes to Burning Man, so, like, I dunno. Just try not to be shit and don’t murder I guess.
Leaving No Trace
If you f*ck up the last principle, hide the body. With modern science being what it is, DNA evidence is stitching up killers left right and centre. It’s not the 70s, driving to a remote location and digging a hole simply isn’t enough anymore. Make sure you wipe any fingerprints clean from every surface and if there’s a single trace of blood, expect them to find it, so invest in a good bleach. If you have time to plan ahead, wear a hairnet for bonus points.
Probably the easiest medal you’ll ever receive. Gone are the days where we celebrated true champions, now everybody gets a f*cking prize. Just enter something. Anything. Trust me, it’s 2017 – you’ll get some form of recognition for participation. I shit you not, I once got a trophy once for coming last in a Kegel competition (the Australian / German version of tenpin bowling, not the vaginal pelvic floor exercises).
Immediacy is a symptom of the 21st century, and should be embraced as such. Buy yourself something online and pay the exorbitant fee for Want It Now. You’ll get your shitty piece of well-marketed crap that you definitely need on the same day, hence satisfying the requirement of immediacy. To go the whole consumerist whore, order something you can’t even afford and finance it with Afterpay. You savvy shopper you.