Man Sues Parents for Tossing Out His Porn

America: land of the free and the home of the brave and the source of all the most ridiculous news we get in our Twitter timelines. Today in “Stuff That Goes Down Under The Double Eagle” we bring you the tale of a 40-year-old man who is suing his parents for turfing his beloved collection of pornography.

Story goes: an unnamed man living with his parents after divorcing his wife in 2016 was asked to move out after the police were called in to a domestic dispute at the residence. The dispute? His parents decided it was time for his massive porn collection to go. And when we say massive, we mean MASSIVE.

~USD$29,000 massive.

Now look, there are plenty of us who invested their pocket money in CDs back in the day, only to now have Spotify and a plethora of useless plastic somewhere (ironically probably still in boxes at mum’s), but we all need to know when to let go. Porn, in particular, is an interesting one, as this man’s entire collection is (I mean, probably) but a click away on Google dot com, and yet he clung onto ALL FOURTEEN BOXES OF IT all these years, despite this glaringly obvious knowledge.

Apparently, two of the boxes were sex toys and not porn. Whatever, that’s not really the weird part of this tale.

The man in question, who now lives in Indiana, has filed documents in court demanding the staggeringly high and absurdly specific amount of $86,822.16 from the loving couple who brought him into the world and only want the best of him, citing that some of the content was “out of print” and therefore more valuable.

In a hilarious twist, the father has also claimed that his pruriently-bent son had been expelled from high school for selling porn to other students back in his youth; clearly the randy little tacker continued his passion into his adult years, and now he’s left alone without his enormous collection of lascivious literature.

An email exchange between the plaintiff and the defendant, who has admitted to destroying every single piece of smut in the interests of his son’s mental health–“I would have done the same if I had found a kilo of crack cocaine. Someday, I hope you will understand.”–, is telling of a fractured relationship, but honestly, the whole saga just makes you really think: “Is having kids really worth it?”