Previously on The Bachelor: Romy committed sexual harassment yet again and Vanessa Sunshine was banished to the forest.
Tonight on The Bachelor: the mansion is invaded by nature’s most terrifying beasts: women who want to be on The Bachelor.
The sun looms over the horizon and the soundtrack swells with music that suggests someone is about to plant a flag on top of a mountain. Alisha, in her capacity as town crier, brings in an envelope containing details of a group date. Cass is surprised that she is selected for the group date, as she went on the camping trip and assumed Nick wouldn’t want to see her again until he’d been thoroughly decontaminated.
Alisha also reads out that the women will be joined by three intruders, all of whom have something in common with Nick. Cat scoffs at the intruders’ credentials as she scoffs at the entire world and everything in it.
They go outside, where TAFKAAG informs Nick that three new women are arriving. This takes Nick completely by surprise, as he has never seen The Bachelor or heard anything about it before today. The Intrudermobile shows up with the intruders. Cass gasps as she realises that all three are brunettes – she has never seen three brunettes in one place and the sight shocks and appals her.
The first intruder is Deanna, who introduces herself as a former elite swimmer, but then admits that she’s only been in Olympic “trials”, which doesn’t sound that elite to me. Big talker, Deanna, not so big on the kick-turns.
Deanna meets the other women. Cat makes some bitchy comments about her name, in line with the Cat brand.
The second intruder is Jamie Lee. Nick forces her to dance with him, because she seems nervous and he wants her to be more nervous. She tells Nick that she has “animal pets”, and Nick is delighted because animal pets are his favourie kind of pets. Jamie Lee meets the other women. Alisha says her jumpsuit is “banging”, in her capacity as Jumpsuit Editor. Brooke is stressing out because Jamie Lee has a great jumpsuit and looks a bit like Brooke.
The last intruder is Brittany. Or possibly Brittney. Hopefully Brittney, because we already have a Brittany, and it’s going to be confusing enough. Brittney is hyperactive and won’t stop squealing in Nick’s face. After every few words that she says, she undergoes a full-body spasm and makes bizarre noises that I think are supposed to represent a zest for life, but actually represent a really annoying woman. Cat makes some bitchy comments, but this time I’m kind of on her side.
Now it is time for the group date, which as usual is not actually a date, but a stupid game. Nick explains that team sports are great for releasing frustration, by which he means he wants to see chicks hit each other. The stupid game they will be playing is moon-hopper netball, a game specially designed for men who enjoy watching women bounce up and down on big rubber balls. Nick tells the women to play the whistle. TAFKAAG doesn’t know what that means because today is the first time he’s become aware of the existence of sport.
Cat declares her determination to win the game, somehow still under the impression that winning dumb made-up sports is how you win The Bachelor. Although there is doubt over whether Cat even wants to win The Bachelor – as long as she can hurt other women, she seems happy.
As is Nick, as the women writhe on the ground grappling with each other. “All I wanted to do was get involved,” says Nick, who doesn’t just look like a porn star. Cat is so agitated by the violence in the game that she almost forgets to pretend not to know Deanna’s name.
Suddenly the women abandon their hoppers and start running around banging into each other. “Thank you mother for the rabbits, chitty chitty bang bang,” says Nick, who has burst a blood vessel in his brain. They are flagrantly ignoring the rules, but Nick is a terrible referee and ignores it, until Jamie Lee goes down with an ankle injury. This is entirely Nick’s fault for allowing the degeneration of the game into violence, but he takes no responsibility.
Cat doesn’t believe that Jamie Lee is actually hurt, and is furious that she didn’t think of faking an injury to get Nick to touch her first. She declares her willingness to break both her ankles if that’ll help. She will have no problem finding volunteers.
At the mansion the daters arrive back and Romy is delighted to find that the intruders are as ugly as she believes every woman who isn’t her is. Romy makes exactly the same bitchy comments about Deanna’s name that Cat was making, and Romy and Cat slag off Deanna’s midriff while Alisha explains to the intruders that the competition is in no way nasty.
Nick shows up to get to know the intruders better, which for some reason Brittney interprets as “Please dance like a frigging idiot with me”. “You’ll get used to me, it’s all good,” Brittney says to Nick, neither of which is a true statement.
Next day it is time for a single date, and Nick is riding a motorbike through a forest, seeking vengeance on the men who killed his family. He meets Tenille by the side of the road, which may have been arranged, or possibly she just wandered off and got lost. “You know how someone cracks a packet of Tim-Tams,” says Nick, and you know we are in for some major analogy action. It takes about half an hour, but he finally arrives at the point: Tenille looked great. It turns out the novella he was reciting about Tim-Tams didn’t mean anything at all – Nick’s just one of those blokes who likes talking about biscuits.
Nick sticks Tenille on the back of his bike and off they go, to a new life in the wilderness. “I get to hold onto his chest and hold on really close and tight to him,” says Tenille, the creepy perv. Finally they arrive at their destination: an orchard. Yes, Nick is going to force Tenille into a fruitpicking job.
Oh no, it’s honey. They’re going to collect honey. They meet a man called Doug who has been paid to pretend he’s met Nick before, and don beekeeper outfits. There is nothing more romantic than avoiding multiple bee stings, and there is a lot of hot sticky action as Nick and Tenille share a tender afternoon of bee-robbing. Nick forces Tenille to eat some honey, which she does reluctantly as it uses up her calorie allowance for the next month.
After the honey has been gathered and Tenille has spat out a mouthful of wax, the happy couple repair to an over-candled garden to drink mead just like medieval people did in the days before much better drinks were invented. Nick asks Tenille if she knows what a lunar cycle is, and Tenille explains that she basically knows nothing. Nick admits that he doesn’t either, and they share a joyous, ignorant giggle. Then Nick gives her a rose and they chow down on each other’s tonsils. “Nick’s a really good kisser,” says Tenille, voice full of shock: she never saw this coming.
It is time for the cocktail party, and the SHOCKING TWIST of tonight’s episode. It all starts when Tenille comes back to the mansion and deliberately tells the other bachelorettes that she had a good time on her date. This causes Romy, Cat and Alisha to get together to discuss what a slut Tenille is. “She literally DISCUSSED the kiss!” Cat says with revulsion, as if she’s describing how her next-door neighbour dismembered her children with a chainsaw. “That’s really tacky,” says Romy, who crawled uninvited into a man’s tent in the middle of the night recently.
Nick arrives and carries Jamie Lee off. Ashlea expresses Cat-like doubt as to whether Jamie Lee is really injured, while everyone else expressed doubt as to whether Ashlea was here when this show started. Nick chats with Jamie Lee and describes her as a “cracking sort”, but is unsure whether she feels the same about his weird head. His confidence really took a hit from Vanessa Sunshine – will he ever believe he’s beautiful again.
“I believe in never saying no to an opportunity,” says Jamie Lee, repeating the exact words spoken by Hitler prior to the Beer Hall Putsch in Munich.
Back in the mansion, Romy accuses Tenille of saying it was gross to kiss Nick. Tenille denies ever saying this, but explains that she felt uncomfortable with kissing a man who was kissing lots of other women, since she wouldn’t do that in the real world. “Then why are you on The Bachelor?” Romy snaps back, at a loss as to why anyone would go on The Bachelor for any other reason than molesting strangers and calling other women ugly.
Tenille gets up and leaves, not wishing to talk any longer with Romy. Romy scoffs, saying, “All she had to do was sit there and have a conversation”. Romy finds it ridiculous how women are always walking away with her for no other reason than her persistent bullying. Romy follows Tenille outside to make sure that she’s OK, and that if she is, Romy can put a stop to that.
Tenille asks a crew member to remove her microphone. The crew member, as much as he would like to stick his hands inside her clothes, isn’t allowed to. Tenille unzips her dress but keeps the program’s PG rating, removing the microphone but leaving the dress on. She tries to flee the property while a producer chases her, calling her “babe” even though they are in no way friends. “Stop running!” calls the producer. “It’s dangerous!” calls the producer. But Tenille is willing to face the horrible danger of not being on TV anymore for the chance to escape the hideous termite mound of fear and loathing that is the Bachelor mansion.
Meanwhile Romy laughs at the pain of others.
The producer manages to get Tenille to stand still. Tenille tells her about the other women and their bullshit. The producer asks Tenille why she’s shouting at her, even though it’s obvious that she’s shouting at her because she won’t shut up.
Back at the mansion, Romy engages in some sober reflection on how her behaviour can affect other people.
Ha! Just kidding! Romy actually engages in some shameless lying about how she never said anything rude at all and it’s all Tenille’s fault for being gross and tacky. Cat and Alisha join her to discuss how inappropriate it is for bachelorettes to hate them because they’re beautiful. “She’s not the victim, she’s just acting like a dickhead,” says Cat, who should know.
It’s rose ceremony time. TAFKAAG pops out of his burrow to be non-threatening for a few minutes. There are thirteen roses – two women are going home. Neither of those women will be Romy, because there’s nothing producers love more than a bully.
Jamie Lee gets a rose, because they couldn’t find a wheelchair-accessible taxi to take her home. “Talk about a sympathy rose,” sneers Cat, who has never received anything out of sympathy in her life.
Sophie gets a rose due to nostalgia for the days when she was on this show.
Alisha gets a rose because someone has to edit the mansion newsletter.
Cat gets a rose because Nick is aroused by evil.
Brooke gets a rose because she’s Brooke, goddammit.
Romy gets a rose because it’d be a shame if we couldn’t see people being treated like shit for a few more weeks at least.
Cass gets a rose because we’re not ready to stop dangling her on that line just yet.
Shannon gets a rose because Nick remembers her name.
Brittany gets a rose because she has yet to commit any indictable offences.
Emily gets a rose because why not she seems nice.
Dasha gets a rose, hey, I remember Dasha!
Deanna gets a rose because of her bangin’ bodysuit. This means that at least one original bachelorette will be sent home ahead of an intruder, outraging several people. “Is this a sick joke?” asks Romy, echoing everyone who saw her outfit tonight.
Brittney gets a rose because Nick has finally found someone more off-putting to talk to than himself.
This means that both Rhiannon and Ashlea have to leave, which devastates the other women in the house, who barely even know which ones Rhiannon and Ashlea were, but find it incredibly unfair that Nick would choose two women he doesn’t even know over two women who he also doesn’t even know.
Tune in tomorrow when one of two things happens: Romy goes home, or I scream at my TV about how Channel Ten has lied to us.