Daenerys Targaryen looking at Jon Snow

Game of Thrones – Season 8 Episode 1 Recap – You got KHALEESIED!

Previously, on Game of Thrones: Well, heaps of stuff. Honestly, if you’re not up to speed by now…look, I don’t have time to go over it all now. Go get the DVDs.

But NOW, on Game of Thrones…

A kid is running through a forest. He seems quite agitated. Ah, it’s Winterfell and soldiers are marching while Arya looks smug. She looks smug a lot these days. Ever since she learnt how to put on other people’s faces, she’s been really full of herself. The kid doesn’t seem to be anyone particular, he’s just there to give us a kid’s-eye view of all the soldiers. With the soldiers come Jon Snow and Daenerys. Arya looks worried, then happy, then worried again because the Hound is there too, and Arya and the Hound have, you know, history.

In a carriage, Tyrion makes fun of Varys for having no balls. Varys dislikes this but is, so to speak, impotent. It’s good to see the imminent extermination of humanity has not robbed Tyrion of his sense of humour.

In the sky, obviously, are the dragons. The Winterfell folk are freaked right out by this, and start running all over the place like dumb peasants. Dany looks pretty smug. There’s a lot of smug about, to be honest.

Even Bran looks smug, and he’s not even really human anymore. Jon comes to Bran and gives him a brotherly kiss. Bran continues to look smug. “You’re a man,” says Jon. “Almost,” says Bran, passive-aggressively. Jon introduces Dany to Sansa. Dany tells Sansa she’s beautiful. Sansa looks at Dany like she wants to kick her in the nuts.

There is a council of war, during which the little girl who is also a boss tells Jon off for giving up his kinghood for Daenerys who is clearly far too blonde to be from the North. All the other lords make angry rumbling noises, but Jon stands up and tells them to shut the hell up because FFS there are zombies coming you dumbasses. Tyrion stands up too and asks the Northerners to take note of the fact that allying themselves with several other huge armies is probably a good idea if they don’t want the Night King to eat their faces or whatever he does.

Sansa is pretty pissed off and asks how they’re going to feed all the extra armies. “What do dragons eat?’ she asks in a really snooty way. “Anything they want,” says Dany.

BOOM! Sansa, you just got KHALEESIED!

Sansa and Tyrion meet for a deep and meaningful chat. Tyrion tells Sansa she’s a badass. Sansa tells Tyrion he’s an idiot, because he actually believes Cersei is going to help them, and Cersei is a stone-cold lying bitch and we all know it. Sansa has a point.

Meanwhile Jon is staring mournfully at a tree. Arya sneaks up and insults him. Jon and Arya have a nice cuddle and bond over their mutual inarticulateness. They show each other their swords, as brothers and sisters tend to after long separations. Jon tells Arya that Sansa thinks she’s smarter than everyone. Arya tells Jon that Sansa is the smartest person she’s ever met, which is a real sick burn on heaps of pretty smart people Arya has met. Like the faceless dude. He was pretty smart.

In King’s Landing, Cersei’s creepy old man sidekick tells her that the Dead have broken through the wall. “Good,” she says, fundamentally misunderstanding the situation: it’s not actually good at all! Silly old Cersei.

In the harbour, Yara Greyjoy is tied to a mast below decks on her uncle Euron’s ship. Euron comes down to taunt her with his crazy eyes and weird accent. He tells Yara he plans to fuck the queen, which is such an inappropriate way to talk to your niece.

Cersei has the armies of Euron and some other guy on her side. The other guy, disappointingly, hasn’t brought any elephants. We can all agree with Cersei that this is a great shame – elephants would’ve been good. When the other guy leaves, Euron asks Cersei if he can slip her the old Greyjoy broadsword. Cersei tells him to keep it in his pants. Euron doesn’t want to keep it in his pants. Somehow, Euron wins Cersei over with his winning combination of sociopathy and body odour, and they retire to the bedchamber.

Meanwhile our old friend Bronn is frolicking with three nude ladies, but is interrupted at the crucial moment by Cersei’s creepy old man sidekick. He tells Bronn that Cersei will pay handsomely if Bronn kills Jaime and Tyrion. This represents a moral dilemma for Bronn, who is quite keen on gold but also thinks Jaime and Tyrion are basically alright, when you get to know them. Also, he was really enjoying those three nude ladies.

In Cersei’s bedroom, Euron and the queen have just finished up. Euron wants to know if he’s better in bed than Jaime. Cersei is still worrying about the elephants. “I’m going to put a prince in your belly,” says Euron, who is a hopeless romantic.

Onboard the ship where Yara is tied up, a bunch of dudes get shot through the face. Theon has come to rescue his sister! Just goes to prove you don’t need a penis to, well, shoot dudes through the face. Freed from her bonds, Yara headbutts Theon, but having got that off her chest, they’re friends again and set off on a jolly adventure.

Yara wants to go back to the Iron Islands and take them back from Euron. Theon wants to go fight for Danaerys at Winterfell. Yara tells him he should follow his heart and also that what is dead may never die, which isn’t really helpful. Theon is off to Winterfell, meaning it was a very short jolly adventure. Still, Euron is going to be pissed.

At Winterfell, Davos Seaworth is busy being a fan favourite by explaining to Tyrion that it’s difficult to win the loyalty of Northern people. Tyrion finds this annoying, as you’d think the threat of being slaughtered by zombies would be enough to win a bit of loyalty at least temporarily. Davos suggests that if they somehow defeat the Dead, maybe it’d be good for Jon and Dany to rule the Seven Kingdoms together. Varys doesn’t think that’d work, but Davos has been reading a lot of fan theories online and is sure it’s the way to go.

Varys seems clinically depressed. Probably the testicles thing.

Daenerys complains that Sansa doesn’t like her. Jon says Sansa doesn’t know her. Daenerys points out that she’s the queen and Sansa better bloody well pull her head in. Bad news arrives: the dragons are off their food. The dragons don’t like the North, and who can blame them? Dany invites Jon to join her on a dragon ride. Jon is slightly circumspect. “What if he doesn’t want me to?” Jon asks. “Then I’ve enjoyed your company, Jon Snow,” Dany replies.

BOOM! Jon Snow, you just got KHALEESIED!

Jon and Dany set off on their respective dragons for a bit of a joyride. Disappointingly, the writers miss a major opportunity by not having them sing “A Whole New World” as they fly across the countryside. Jon hangs on for dear life, terrified of falling and of the slightly dodgy green-screen work. The dragons land near a waterfall. Dany suggests that maybe they should just live at the waterfall forever. Jon notes that it’s cold. Dany notes that it’ll be warmer if they do it right there, while the dragons watch. Jon is extremely uncomfortable with this level of voyeurism.

Meanwhile Gendry – remember Gendry? He was a whole thing, years ago – has made a dragonglass blade for the Hound, who says rude words at him but is cut off by Arya. The Hound is resentful of Arya for leaving him to die. Arya has no time for the Hound’s crap. She’s there to chat with Gendry and ask him to make something. I don’t know what it is she wants him to make. She’s drawn a picture of it but she’s not very good at drawing. Anyway Gendry will make it and then we’ll see.

Sansa has received the news that House Glover won’t fight with her. House Glover are total pussies. She tells Jon it’s because he’s not the King anymore and nobody in the North likes Dany. Jon points out that if Dany wasn’t with them they would be absolutely fucked. Sansa is all “Marcia Marcia Marcia” about Dany. She suspects that Jon bent the knee to Dany less because of the White Walkers and more because he’s getting some.

Jorah takes Dany to meet Samwell Tarly, epic fantasy fiction’s second-most heroic Sam. He asks Dany if he can have a pardon for stealing stuff from the citadel. Dany tells him that she killed his father with a dragon. Sam looks on the bright side: at least his brother will let him come home. Dany tells him that when she was killing his father, she also happened to char-grill his brother.

Sam is overcome with emotion: possibly grief but possibly joy. He goes outside to talk to Bran, which is a weird way to process bereavement. Bran tells Sam he has to tell Jon the truth about being a Targaryen and so forth. Sam has had a lot to deal with tonight.

Jon is in the catacombs looking at creepy statues when Sam shows up to be comically clumsy. Jon gives him a manly hug such as we have all dreamed of Jon giving us. Sam tells Jon about Dany’s Tarly-barbecue. It becomes apparent that Sam is actually not very happy about his dad and brother being murdered, even though they were huge dicks that were asking for it. Jon is sorry but, you know, shit happens.

And now Sam drops the bombshell: Jon Snow isn’t the bastard son of Ned Stark, he’s Aegon Targaryen, heir to the Iron Throne. Jon is outraged that Sam is calling Ned Stark a liar. Sam insists that it is true and Jon is the real king, although he’s only the real king because the Targaryens came along and killed everyone with dragons so, you know, how legitimate is anyone’s claim really? Westeros could really do with a parliamentary democracy.

Tormund Giantsbane and a few unhappy survivors of the Night’s Watch are tentatively exploring the wreckage of a castle in the wake of the Zombie Dragon’s attack. In the darkness they find an enemy and are about to attack, but nope, it’s just the other survivors: the magic guy who keeps coming back to life and that Night’s Watch guy who looks a bit like Dennis Waterman.

In a dark room, they find a dead kid nailed to the wall surrounded by a spiral pattern of dismembered limbs. It’s pretty gross. The kid is the kid from the start of the episode – I think: he was sent to summon House Umber to the aid of Winterfell but instead he’s been Night Kinged. While Tormund and friends discuss how gross it is, the kid comes to life and starts screeching – he’s a zombie kid! ARGH!

Zombies are dangerous but this one is nailed to a wall, so Tormund just sets him on fire and it’s fine. But still…that was freaky. The Night King has sent a clear message: he is capable of really gross shit and he’s coming to do that gross shit to y’all.

Cut to Winterfell, where Jaime Lannister has just arrived and is tense. The episode ends here, but we are promised that next week Jaime is going to be made even tenser.

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