Previously on Game of Thrones: Dany laid waste to King’s Landing and thousands of unbelievable crybabies went online to soil themselves in anger and stupidity.
This week on Game of Thrones: it’s all over.
I’m not sure I can handle it.
But let’s see.
Tyrion is walking through what’s left of King’s Landing. He seems depressed. I guess it’s all the death that’s getting him down. Seeing the corpses of children seems to particularly bum him out. You’d think he’d have hardened up a bit over the years really. It’s a shame he can’t look on the bright side: most of the dead people were probably not that nice.
King’s Landing is not, admittedly, looking at its best, unless you’re a fan of the burnt-skeletons-and-rubble school of design. Tyrion bumps into Jon and Davos, who aren’t exactly bundles of sunshine themselves. Jon offers to send some men to accompany Tyrion as he walks towards certain death, but Tyrion tells him he’d rather undergo certain death on his own.
Meanwhile, Grey Worm is sentencing prisoners to die, just in case they missed the memo last week. Jon runs up and tells him you shouldn’t kill prisoners. Grey Worm says killing prisoners is basically what he’s all about now. He says the battle isn’t over until every enemy of the queen is defeated. Davos points out that these sad men on their knees look fairly defeated. Grey Worm is just mad for killing, though, and Jon has to let him do it, otherwise the Unsullied and the Northmen will have a big fight and everyone will die anyway. Jon goes off to see Dany and Grey Worm gets lopping.
Up in what I guess used to be the Red Keep but is now the Charred Ex-Keep, Tyrion wanders about in search of his siblings. He finds them hanging out under a gigantic pile of bricks. He starts to cry even though neither of them were very nice people, and Cersei in particular tried to kill him, like, loads of times. He is a very forgiving man, is Tyrion, and it’s nice that brotherly love can overcome even homicidal hatred.
Elsewhere in the wreckage, Arya is walking about. I thought she’d buggered off, but apparently she didn’t go very far. At the broken gates of the city, the Dothraki are assembled, feeling pretty chuffed at the way they killed all those people. Finally, someone who appreciates how much fun this has all been. Arya watches Jon make his way through the massed troops to the top of the steps, where Grey Worm is waiting, apparently having finished his executions and being a much faster walker than Jon is. Drogon flies overhead and the Dothraki are like, ha, that’s awesome.
Then Daenerys emerges, in a classic shot where Drogon is behind her and spreading his wings so it looks like SHE has wings, and everyone is like ahhhhh, symbolism!
Dany addresses her army, telling them they have all been good boys and killed all the people who she wanted them to kill, and now she is the Queen of everything. The Dothraki cheer and wave their sickles in joy. Dany tells Grey Worm he’s a cool guy and he can be in charge of all her armies from now on. He nods, reasonably satisfied with how his career is going but still not completely over his girlfriend being decapitated quite recently.
“But the war is not over,” Dany cries, and it’s like…really? I was fairly sure the war was over. Last week it really did look as if the war was over. But no, apparently the war is not over, because Dany wants to “liberate” the people of all the world: Winterfell, Dorne, some other places that we haven’t sene before. Presumably, she wants to “liberate” them the same way she “liberated” the people of King’s Landing: burning their homes and massacring them all.
Tyrion approaches Dany. She tells him he is a traitor because he freed Jaime. He tells her that she slaughtered a city, which in some ways is an even worse thing to do than freeing a brother. He takes off his Queen’s Hand pin and throws it away. All the watching troops are like “Oooooooohhhhhhhh!” and Dany orders Tyrion be taken away by her guards. As he goes he gives Jon a look: a look that says, “this is some real bullshit right here, dude”.
Dany also gives Jon a look: a look that says, “Goodbye, you huge jerkwad”. And then she walks away. Suddenly Arya appears by Jon’s side, giving Jon the third look he’s been given inside a minute. Arya notes that Dany is going to kill them all. She’s right too.
Jon visits Tyrion in a dungeon, a place that Tyrion is, by this stage in his life, quite used to being. Tyrion thinks it’s probably fair enough that he’s about to be burnt to death, given it’s his fault that Varys was burnt to death. Also he strangled his lover, killed his father and betrayed his queen, although to be fair that last one was very much the right move.
Jon tells Tyrion that the war is over, which is a weird thing to say after Dany said, specifically, that the war is not over. But that was in subtitles, and Jon doesn’t speak subtitles, so he still thinks the war is over, the poor idiot. Tyrion got the gist, though: he knows the war isn’t going to end until Dany murders everyone. Jon insists that Dany isn’t her father, which is, in a strictly genealogical sense, true. Tyrion notes that his whole family were psycho killers, but Dany has killed more people than them all put together, in one day. Jon says it’s easy to judge people for murdering thousands, but Dany had had a pretty stressful day. Tyrion points out that Jon wouldn’t have killed them, would he? Huh? HUH? WOULD HE?
Tyrion does a very good speech about how Dany has basically been slaughtering folks for years, and everyone cheered her on, so she now reckons slaughtering people is ace. It was written, obviously, before those wankers started their stupid petition, but it’s a pretty good response to them. You didn’t see this coming? Idiots.
Jon tells Tyrion that love is the death of duty. Tyrion tells Jon that duty is the death of love. It’s all very Oscar Wilde. Tyrion wants Jon to off Daenerys, before Daenerys offs Jon. Jon says that if she wants to off him, that’s fair enough because she’s the Queen. Good god, Jon is an almighty pussy.
Tyrion tries to argue with Jon on the basis that his sisters are absolutely going to cop it from Dany. Jon says his sisters will be loyal to Dany, because Jon is a colossal moron. He leaves, and walks broodingly off. Amid the ashes of the city, he runs into Drogon, who was having a nap under a pile of ashes. Drogon gives him a sniff but finds him uninteresting. Jon wanders away to ponder whether he should remain loyal to the Queen, or whether he should do what is obviously the right thing which only a complete twat would refuse to do, honestly Jon wake up to yourself.
Meanwhile, Dany has found the Iron Throne itself, still intact even though the Throne Room has been completely trashed. She walks up to it slowly, appreciating the extremely cinematic nature of the moment. She regards it with wide, psychotic eyes. She touches it. She takes a deep breath. She turns. She sees Jon, who has arrived to harsh her buzz.
Jon tells Dany that executing prisoners is not cool. Also, that burning children to death is not cool. Dany reckons it’s Cersei’s fault for not being friends. Jon asks Dany to forgive Tyrion and stop, like, killing everyone for god’s sake. “The world we need won’t be built by men loyal to the world we have,” says Dany, crazily. Jon reckons mercy is good. Dany agrees, with the caveat that you can’t have mercy until basically everyone is dead. She asks Jon to be her partner, both in killing everyone and in red-hot incest. It’s a good offer, and Jon knows it.
“You are my Queen,” Jon says, “now, and always”, and with that he kisses her passionately, holding her close, embracing the woman he loves more than anything, and…
STABBING HER IN THE GUTS.
He did it.
He totally did it.
He stuck a knife right into the Mother of Dragons, and he killed her dead.
He gave up love and hot sex with his aunt, for the sake of all the people in the world who would rather not be burnt to death or have their heads cut off by mad horsemen.
He did what needed to be done. Like Ned Stark said, he who pronounces the sentence should wield the sword, and Jon Snow has just bloody well gone and DONE IT.
Drogon shows up, and this does not look good for our kid. The dragon sees his mum dead, and is very upset. Like…SUPER upset. He does some mournful dragon crying and nudges Dany’s body like a sad puppy and it’s emotional. He looks at Jon. He opens his mouth.
But he doesn’t burn Jon. Instead he sends his fire straight at the Iron Throne. Somehow, deep in his dumb dragon heart, Drogon knows that the real cause of his mum’s death is that frigging chair, and he melts it like the Ark of the Covenant melts Nazi faces. Then he picks Dany up and flies away, while Jon, tear-stained and guilt-ridden, watches.
What can you say about a 23-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful, and brilliant? That she loved dragons, and thrones, and murder, and Jon Snow?
RIP Dany. You were a genocidal maniac, but you were OUR genocidal maniac, and we loved you.
In his dungeon, Tyrion lies on the floor, remembering happier days, in more cheerful dungeons. The door opens. It is Grey Worm. Tyrion is marched in chains to the courtyard, where he faces a panel much like those assembled for the ABC’s political debate program Q&A.
On the panel: Arya; Sansa; Davos; Bran; Brienne; Yara; some guy from Dorne; some other guys. It’s a cast reunion, like they have on Survivor. Even Sam is there! Hi, Sam! Sansa asks where Jon is. Grey Worm says he’s their prisoner, because of the whole Queen-murder thing. Sansa says if they hurt Jon Snow, her Northern army will bitch slap them. Grey Worm says that his Unsullied army will bitch slap her right back.
Yara chimes in to say that Daenerys was her Queen and she doesn’t much appreciate Jon stabbing her like that, so as far as she’s concerned the Unsullied can do what they want with him. Arya says that if Yara keeps talking shit about Jon, she will cut Yara’s throat: the two women having no love for each other despite the natural bond that comes with your names being anagrams.
Davos steps in to calm everyone down. He says maybe it’d be nice if everyone stopped killing each other. He offers Grey Worm The Reach, for the Unsullied to settle and build new lives for themselves, although obviously not for that long since raising children is an unlikely goal for them.
Grey Worm replies that he does not want the Reach, he just wants to kill Jon. Tyrion says that it’s not up to Grey Worm: only the king or queen can decide what’s to be done with Jon. Veteran character actor Rupert Vansittart points out that they don’t have a king or queen. Tyrion says well they better bloody pick one then. Everyone looks tense: obviously Sansa and Yara and the Dorne guy and veteran character actor Rupert Vansittart and the other guys all WANT to be king or queen…but it seems gauche to say so out loud.
Edmure Tully, the guy who got married at the Red Wedding and who nobody ever liked including his own father because he’s a dickhead, stands up and starts to make a long and verbose speech. Sansa tells him to sit down and zip it. Everyone laughs on the inside.
Suddenly, Sam floats a radical idea: what if, instead of just a small group of inbred toffs deciding who the king is, all the people who were actually going to be ruled over got a say? And then, just when it seems like Sam is about to invent democracy, all the others laugh their inbred heads off and Sam sits down, humiliated.
Tyrion is the only one there who doesn’t want to be king. Davos asks him who he thinks should rule. Tyrion says that what unites people is “stories”. “There’s nothing more powerful in the world than a good story,” he says. It seems like he’s about to suggest George RR Martin be king. But no, he actually thinks Bran should be the king, because he’s got a great story: chucked out a window, can’t walk, but then turns into a magic dude who can get inside birds’ brains.
Tyrion is overlooking the fact that Bran is now a creepy dead-eyed weirdo who doesn’t care about anything, of course. Sansa points out that he’s also overlooking the fact that Bran doesn’t want to be king, and he can’t produce an heir because his junk broke when Jaime gave him the old window-shove. Tyrion says that’s actually good, because people who want to be king suck, and kings’ sons suck even more, eg Joffrey.
Tyrion suggests that the monarchy be no longer hereditary, but that the future kings and queens be chosen right here, by the heads of Westeros’s great houses, as is happening right now. See, this is how you do it, Sam. Incremental reform, rather than spooking people with radical social realignments. Tyrion has won them over.
Bran says he is willing to be king, presumably because a raven told him to or some stupid thing. All the assembled lords say that’s OK with them, except for Sansa, who says screw you guys, the North is going to be its own thing. Nobody minds this because frankly the North smells funny anyway.
Everyone hails Bran the Broken, king of the Six Kingdoms. Only six, now, because Sansa is so uppity.
Bran chooses Tyrion to be his Hand. Tyrion doesn’t want to be. Bran doesn’t care. Grey Worm wants Tyrion punished. Bran couldn’t give less of a shit what Grey Worm wants. He’s off to a flying start.
Later, in the dungeons, Tyrion visits Jon and tells him that he’s going to be sent to the Night’s Watch, just like old times. The Unsullied want him dead, and the Starks want him not-dead, so the Night’s Watch, being like death, but colder, is a reasonable compromise.
“I don’t expect we’ll see each other again,” says Jon. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” says Tyrion, who has every intention of pissing off to the Wall as soon as he gets the chance, because spending your life looking at Bran’s creepy eyes is just more than anyone can stand.
Everyone is leaving. Jon is off to the Wall. The Unsullied are sailing to Naath, which is where Missandei is from, because Grey Worm hears it is nice there and the people are probably crying out for a big gang of surly eunuchs to come hang out with them.
Jon says an emotional goodbye to Sansa and Arya. Arya reveals that she is not returning to the north, but rather has decided to sail west, to where the maps stop. So presumably she’ll be fish food in a few weeks. Jon also says goodbye to Bran, but it’s not an emotional goodbye because Bran is incapable of feeling emotion.
In a quiet room, Brienne of Tarth is going through the record books. She begins editing Jaime’s entry in the knightly archives, Westeros’s version of Wikipedia. She thinks it’s important that Jaime get credit for all the cool stuff he did, as well as the frankly terrible things. “Died protecting his Queen” is the final sentence she writes, which is very gracious of her, because she could’ve written, “had his world rocked by Brienne of Tarth’s sweet bod”.
In the Small Council room, Tyrion arranges the chairs. It is now a very small council indeed, because Tyrion is the only one in it so far. Oh, but here come the others: Davos, Sam and Bronn. Bronn! So he got a happy ending. In more ways than one, knowing him.
Sam presents Tyrion with a book. It is the history of the wars that began with Robert’s death. It is called “A Song of Ice and Fire”. “I helped him with the title,” says Sam, and the whole cast turns to the camera, winks, and does jazz hands. Sam reveals that Tyrion is not mentioned in the book at all, so it’s a terrible book that needs some serious revisions.
Bran and Brienne arrive. The Small Council is complete. Oh, and Podrick is a knight now, which is nice. Everyone hails King Bran and says they hope he doesn’t die too soon. Pod wheels Bran off to look for Drogon using his magic brain. The council engages in a robust debate over whether funding ships or funding brothels should take precedence. It’s all quite jolly.
Up north, Jon arrives at Castle Black. Tormund is waiting for him. The Wildlings are waiting for him. And…yes! Ghost is waiting for him! He gives Ghost a pat. Are you happy now, internet whingers?
On board a ship bound for god knows where, Arya looks proudly towards her future as a corpse at the bottom of the sea.
At Winterfell, Sansa walks by her subjects, who kneel before her, and crown her Queen in the North. All the northern people waggle their swords and shout.
Back at the Wall, Jon rides north, with Tormund and the Wildlings. The gate closes. He rides on. So I guess he’s a Wildling now. Good for him. It’s what Ygritte would have wanted.
And…that’s it. Jon is a Wildling. Sansa is a queen. Arya is a pirate or something. Bran is a king. Ned Stark would be proud, and/or horrified.
It’s all over. No more Game of Thrones. We stand bereft on the precipice of a new era in dull, dragon-less television. What are we supposed to do now? Watch Big Little Lies? Piss off.
Life goes on. But is it worth living anymore? Only time will tell.
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