Previously on The Bachelor: in one of the most inept visualisations of a Spice Girls lyric ever seen, three became two.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Matt ruins everyone’s lives.
As the sun sets over a herd of elephants sweeping majestically across the…
There’s a herd of elephants sweeping majestically across things. And some hippos. And some giraffes. We’re…in Africa?
Yes, TAFKAAG pops up on the set of The Lion King to announce that the finale of The Bachelor is taking place in South Africa. He offers no reason for this. Apparently after that one series where the Bachelor was from South Africa, the producers decided all Bachelors must, innately, be South African, so South Africa is their natural habitat.
Not much ever happens in the finale of The Bachelor, so I guess the trip to South Africa will fill some time. Matt hops on the plane and says South Africa is the top of his list of places to visit. In other words, he’s never been there and has no actual connection to the country of any kind. So it’s a natural place to go for the finale I guess.
We have flashbacks of all the time Matt and Abbie have humped each other, and then flashbacks of all the time Chelsie has been cute. This just drives home the difficulty of the choice Matt is about to make: does he choose the woman with whom he has the most in common, or does he choose the lifelong pelvic fractures?
The good thing about The Bachelor as a show, of course, is that there’s a built-in failsafe: either the guy picks the girl you want him to, or the fact he picks the wrong one proves he deserves her. It’s a handy system for a show on which everyone is awful.
Matt ponders his future as he jogs meaninglessly across the African savannah, hunting wildebeest for breakfast. He decides he needs to ask his best friends for advice: Kate, who we’ve met before, and popular comedian Hung Le, who…no, I mean Jason, who we haven’t met before but who really looks a lot like Hung Le. I guess was unavailable to give Abbie the stink-eye back then.
Kate and Dave discuss Matt’s terrible life choices. Kate tells Dave that she will be surprised if she sees Abbie here, because she’s a stone-cold hoochie. Dramatic irony: you can’t beat it.
Matt shows up and there’s hugs all round as he enjoys the company of the only two people on earth who wish him happiness. He tells his friends they’ll be seeing Chelsie and Abbie. Kate is gobsmacked. Abbie? Really? HER? She remembers well telling Matt explicitly that Abbie ain’t no good, and that bastard just went and ignored her. Typical man, am I right? Now Kate knows how Elly feels. Except not really, because Elly got to get Matt completely out of her life, so Kate’s much worse off.
Kate suggests to Matt that Abbie isn’t much into having kids, a problem for Matt who has enormous quantities of excess sperm and desperately needs somewhere to deposit it. Matt is slightly perturbed, and leaves to stare over a field or something. Jason believes Kate is the best bullshit detector he knows, although it might just be that because she’s friends with Matt she’s had more practice than most.
Abbie is outside, looking forward to meeting Matt’s family and impressing them with what an adorable little quirkster she is. Little does she know that she’s not going to meet Matt’s family – Matt’s family finding the very idea of appearing on this nightmarish show humiliating beyond imagination – but is instead about to be blindsided with a big faceful of Kate. Little does she know initially, anyway: Matt tells her and Abbie fights to keep the smile on her face and not spit on anyone.
It is time for Abbie to meet Kate and Jason. She starts by telling them that she told Matt she loved him. This impresses Kate a lot less than Abbie hoped it would. “How about you and I go have a bit of a chat?” Kate says, in the manner of someone asking a stool pigeon to meet him in the shower block.
Apart from the men, Kate immediately tells Abbie that she’s surprised she’s here, because she and Matt have different goals in life: Matt wants a wife and a family, while Abbie wants to be a sexologist which is not actually a job. Abruptly, Kate stands and asks the crew for a break, and walks away. A dramatic moment, or a toilet break?
Not a toilet break.
Kate tells the crew that Abbie is lying her buttocks off, and she needs to reclibrate her interrogation strategy. Returning to the Bachelorette, she goes in for the kill. “What do you think you have in common with Matt?” she asks.
“What a good question!” Abbie asks, in a way that you don’t need a bullshit detector to smell. “I think me and Matt just make sense,” she goes on, determined to say nothing whatsoever. “We see the fun in a lot of things, and the positives in a lot of things.” So far she’s answered the question as effectively as if she’d referenced her and Matt’s mutual love of converting carbohydrates to energy.
Kate twists the knife further. “What do you like to do for fun?” she asks, sensing her enemy’s fear.
Abbie says she likes socialising and that she is a member of a book club that is dedicated entirely to alcoholism. This is the wrong answer: Kate has seen Matt’s heart broken by women who were all about fun, and she wants to know that the woman he ends up with will never let him have any fun at all.
Kate moves on to the elephant in the room, which is quickly shooed back out onto the savannah. She then addresses the unspoken subject: the fact that everyone knows Abbie doesn’t want kids and is a liar. Abbie tells Kate a long story about her single mother and the three jobs she worked at seventeen and how she wants stability. “What does that mean?” asks Kate, causing Abbie to develop some kind of major blockage in her throat.
Kate tells Abbie that she’s worried she’s caught up in the glamour and the hype, which is pretty impressive because most of us took at least two full episodes to figure that out.
Alone, Abbie says that Kate is horrible. The producer suggests she might just be protective. Abbie retorts that she is “possessive”. Blaring music plays and streamers and confetti fall from the ceiling, as the crew celebrate Abbie’s 100th calling of the kettle black this series.
Kate and Jason debrief. Kate tells Jason that Abbie still sucks. “We’ve seen Abbies before,” says Jason, and ain’t that the truth. We have ALL seen Abbies before. Apparently Abbie is very similar to Matt’s previous girlfriends, and not just because she’s white.
Morning in Africa, and as the rhinos graze and the network executives panic about the expenses accounts, Chelsie has arrived for her baffling safari. Matt meets her and they have a nice chat like people who genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have a lot in common as opposed to people who barely know each other but do like to have sex together.
Chelsie meets Kate and Jason. “What do you like about Matt?” asks Kate dourly: she’s known Matt for twenty years and she knows there’s very little to like about him, so this is a pretty important question.
Chelsie replies that Matt is fun and adventurous and a nerd and makes her feel a way she can’t describe. Pretty unsatisfactory, but coming off the low base of Abbie, it’s impressive. Jason is convinced: he’s seen Abbies before but he’s never seen a Chelsie, even though she too is white. Jason takes Abbie away for a chat deep in the African bush, while Kate tells Matt how nice Chelsie seems: the “compared to that other skank” remains implied.
Jason starts by asking Chelsie whether she wants children. Chelsie tells him first she’d like to have a boyfriend and win a Nobel Prize, and then when she’s done that, in three years or so, she reckons she’ll be ready to sacrifice all happiness on the altar of maternity. She tells Jason that Matt makes her happy and she’s in love with him. Jason believes that Chelsie is genuinely in love because of the adjectives she uses, and as an experienced emotional semantics analyst, he can tell.
Right now, Chelsie seems to have it sewn up, but there’s no guarantee he will follow the guidance of his friends. After all, people have been telling him to ditch Abbie for weeks, but his insistence on storing his brain in his scrotum has held him back from taking advice.
Matt asks Kate and Jason what they reckon, Chelsie-wise. They tell him that Chelsie is wonderful and that if he doesn’t pick her, all his friends will ghost him. “Don’t be scared of ticking all your boxes,” says Kate, but Matt’s not scared of box-ticking: he’s just scared that Chelsie might not jerk him off in the pool as often as Abbie.
Kate and Jason are seriously scared that Matt might choose Abbie. They lecture him on his history of being a huge idiot and suggest maybe he’d like to think above the waist for a change. It’s possible, they gently hint, that picking the woman you actually like might be the right way to jump.
It’s time for one more date with Abbie. She walks into the African wilderness, wearing approximately half of a gorgeous outfit. She is excited because she is about to start her life as Matt’s “only girlfriend”. “Today there’ll be a lot of pashing and some dryhumping and tomorrow hopefully will be the end of the longest dry spell in history.” Not in history, Abbie. Just because you’ve never gone three hours without it before doesn’t mean everyone’s like that.
After some of the predicted pashing, Matt and Abbie lie beneath a tree and discuss Kate’s opinion that Abbie is a stupid kid. “I’m almost certain Kate just doesn’t like me,” Abbie says in a cutaway. Well, DUH! Maybe if you don’t like not being liked, you should be more likeable.
Matt assures Abbie that he is his own man and makes his own decisions. Abbie is relieved, because from experience she knows that the minute a moron starts listening to smart people, he dumps her. The tension is broken and so it is time for Matt and Abbie to get in a helicopter. The moment we’ve all been waiting for.
They fly around in the helicopter for a while, looking at open plains that theoretically could contain animals similar to the ones shown in the stock footage intercut with the shots of the helicopter. Matt gets excited when they see a crater caused by a meteorite 20,000 years ago, and Abbie shows how deep their loving bond is by making a halfhearted attempt to fake vague interest.
They fly around a bit more and that’s basically it. Flying etc.
Afterwards, in the darkness, they sit by a roaring fire, built from the broken dreams of previous Bachelor contestants. Matt tells Abbie that she’s an incredible woman and he’s grateful for the opportunity, which Abbie instantly recognises as the kind of thing you say to a woman you’re about to humiliate on national television in a day or so. She therefore brings out her trump card: tears. Moistening her eyes, she expresses her fear that this might be the last time she ever sees him, which would massively impact on her follower count. “I don’t want to tell you what to do,” she lies.
Having unleashed the tears, Abbie makes a desperate play, coming straight out and telling Matt how much she wants marriage and kids. This is likely to work because Matt seems congenitally incapable of not believing Abbie. Crying more and more, Abbie gushes in an effusive yet weirdly non-specific way, alluding vaguely to feelings but not getting down to concrete details, like what date will their wedding be and what sort of gender reveal party should they throw.
Then they dryhump each other a bit.
Then they talk a bit more. Jesus Christ they talk a lot on this show. Especially considering they never actually say anything. Abbie tells Matt that his choice will be between his head and his heart, and she thinks she has his heart. This is a really bitchy thing to say, but the music on the soundtrack tries to create the impression that it’s actually romantic somehow.
Elephants, lions and a magnificent variety of beautiful African birds frolic in footage shot at a completely different time from this episode. Meanwhile Chelsie stands near some trees like she got chloroformed and dumped in the woods. Matt shows up meet her, fortunately, meaning the show doesn’t take a dark turn.
Chelsie immediately leaps up onto Matt, wrapping arms and legs around him and kissing him for about seventeen minutes, as if to say, “You think you got game, Abbie? Suck on THIS”.
Matt and Chelsie seem to be wearing the same outfit. Good for them.
Matt is taking Chelsie on a safari to see some animals. This must be a thrilling experience for them, although it should be noted we never see the humans and the animals in the same shot, so it remains an open question whether any wildlife were seen by them at all. However, there is an amusing interlude when the guide tells them about the sexual frustration of impala and Matt and Chelsie have a good laugh about how people and antelopes are basically the same.
They continue to drive across the plains, pointing and gasping at previously-shot footage. There are some lions, which is undoubtedly cool, but wouldn’t it have been cooler if they’d got out of the car and Matt had wrestled one of them? In any case, seeing lions is cooler than going in a helicopter, so Chelsie wins another round.
Back at the lodge, Matt and Chelsie get in the pool and wash the stink of horny impala off their skin. Chelsie, who was advised by Jason that she should tell Matt how she feels because otherwise he won’t, like, know, tries to do just that. “You are more than I could ever have dreamed of,” she says, spoiling the effect by adding, “in a human being”, thereby suggesting that she may have, like, dreamed of one day meeting a goat or a horse or something that’s as good as him.
After trying out about eight different ways of saying, “I’m in love with you”, Chelsie finally bites the bullet and says, “I’m in love with you”. It’s a lovely moment if you momentarily forget that this is The Bachelor. They engage in some vigorous frottage in the water, while nearby the hyena clan waits for its chance.
Chelsie says she doesn’t want to imagine a future without Matt and that she’s scared she’s left it too late to tell him how she feels. No need to worry, girl: Kate and Jason got your back.
It is the day of judgment. Matt stands by a waterfall, wondering whether it might not be better to just go over it. He goes for a leisurely swim, hoping to find wisdom in the water or get advice from a kindly eel. He thinks better with his shirt off, and spends a long time looking at nothing as is his wont.
Chelsie stands and waits, reflecting on how much she loves Matt and how devastating it will be if he rejects her because of her inferior lap-dance technique.
Abbie stands and waits, reflecting on how certain it is that she has won and how impossible it is for Matt to even think of choosing a woman other than her. “It couldn’t possibly not be me,” she says. Indeed, she’s pretty sure no man has ever preferred any woman to her, and they never will.
Matt looks at the Ring Of Vague Commitment that he will be giving to someone or other. “Previously I’ve gone with my head,” he says, against every scrap of available evidence so far. “This time I have to follow my heart.”
Matt meets TAFKAAG, who has scored a free African holiday based on very flimsy qualifications. The host kindly fakes interest in Matt’s welfare for several minutes, which is a nice touch.
As Matt waits on the appointed spot, a car approaches. We see Abbie in the car rejoicing over her imminent triumph, and Chelsie in the car sobbing over her imminent heartbreak, but we don’t know who’s in the car that’s arriving first. It’s crucial which Bachelorette it is, because we know the first one to arrive is the one who’s getting dumped: it’d be such a bad look for Matt to pledge his love to one woman, celebrate with a fairytale kiss, then wait around to tell the next chick to beat it.
And so the car inches further on, and it stops, and out steps…
Matt, what have you DONE?
The music goes all sad and Holocaust-movie-ish. Tragedy looms.
Chelsie walks up to meet TAFKAAG. She tells him she’s nervous. He asks why. Literally he asks why. That’s the best he could think of. “Why?” Jesus Christ.
TAFKAAG and Chelsie chat for a bit about what an ace guy Matt is but how much it sucks to get dumped, and then TAFKAAG tells her it’s time to go put her head in the noose. She walks slowly towards the spot where Matt waits to break her heart and shatter her dreams. “It would completely break me if Matt didn’t want to be with me,” she says, just to emphasise what a vicious bastard this show is. She walks towards Matt, and then…
ABBIE GETS OUT OF ANOTHER CAR!
CHELSIE HASN’T BEEN DUMPED YET AND ABBIE IS HERE!
AND THERE’S AN AD BREAK!
After the break Abbie walks up to TAFKAAG and tells him she slept quite well, news he takes with quiet equanimity. “What’s your head telling you?” he asks her, fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of the brain and mind. Small chat over, Abbie walks towards Matt…
But are we about to switch again?
Matt seems to be about a thousand miles away from Abbie, in like Tanzania or something.
No more switches: Abbie arrives. She’s the first to reach Matt.
That means…she’s OUTTA HERE.
Obviously, Matt takes about an hour to actually say this, and he prefaces it by telling her how wonderful she is so as to really rub it in, but eventually he says, “My heart belongs with someone else”, and it is so beautiful to see. I mean, BEAUTIFUL. Like…HILARIOUS.
The look on her face!
Abbie switches from dewy-eyed adoration to what-the-fuck anger in nought point six seconds. “Can you explain WHY?” she snaps. Matt can’t explain why. Or rather, he can, but he’d rather not add insult to injury by enumerating Abbie’s many character flaws.
“Completely heartbreaking,” Abbie says. She can’t believe that Matt would damage her brand like this. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters,” she adds, acidically, and then stalks off through the long grass, kicking scrub hares aside as she goes. “Get the f— away from me,” she snarls at the crew.
Matt stands, sobbing, as Abbie sits in the car and thinks about how little she cares. “I feel fine,” she says breezily. “I’m honestly not upset…I couldn’t even cry if I tried…maybe I don’t love him!” Took you long enough.
“You seem angry,” says the producer. “I’m just embarrassed,” says Abbie, amusingly. Then she starts crying, which she said she couldn’t do even if she tried. Just lies and more lies with this woman. She notes that she’ll get over Matt because she’s so resilient, but luckily she doesn’t need to be resilient because she’s not even upset. She never even wanted to win, she just went on the show for the free ice-cream.
Now it’s time for the real stuff. Chelsie shows up and…well we know what happens. Matt tells her he chose her She’s completely stunned because she has no self-esteem. They laugh together joyously about how happy they are and how miserable Abbie is right now – that’s something that really brings people together. They kiss. Etc. It’s lengthier than that, but no more interesting. Oh, he also gives her the ring, which means nothing.
And so Matt and Chelsie lived happily ever after until they broke up and one of them went on Dancing With The Stars and the other one went on Survivor.
Tune in later for The Bachelorette, where exactly the same stuff happens but with the sexes reversed and the contestants being a lot more open about only being on the show to boost their web design business’s profile.
The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger
The Bachelor Australia SE07E11 Recap: Dinner For Schmucks
The Bachelor Australia SE07E12: Dumb And Dumber
The Bachelor Australia SE07E13: The Killing of a Sacred Deer
The Bachelor Australia SE07E14 Recap: Up In The Air
The Bachelor Australia SE07E15 Recap: Carry On Dick