Previously on The Bachelor: Abbie dry-humped Matt.
Tonight on The Bachelor: THE WALKOUT. Not the Walkout from last time, this is the REAL Walkout. Although be warned: by “The Walkout”, all the show means is that at one point someone literally just walks out of a room. Then they walk back in.
This is a very long episode in which a lot of very dull stuff happens and everyone is incredibly impatient because we know the only important thing is THE WALKOUT and Matt saying how pissed off he is. But we’ve got some housekeeping to get through first I guess.
The Bachelorettes are sitting around the mansion, Abbie gloating about how far down Matt’s throat her tongue went, and Emma showing off her increasingly weird accent. TAFKAAG shows up and tells the women that he doesn’t have a date card, making his existence utterly meaningless. He tells them to head out to the country, where Matt will be waiting for them. All the women shout and scream with delight, because none of them have ever been outdoors before.
The Bachelorettes arrive on the Central Coast in their sponsored cars, talking on the way about the cocktail party and how much they hate Abbie for being a big man-kissing slag. In her car, Abbie continues to tell the others about the millions and millions of kisses she did all over Matt’s face. In another car, Monique talks about how angry she is that Matt is kissing women who aren’t even her.
“If Matt wants to hook up with girls, he can do it on the outside,” Monique says, on a show whose basic premise is “a guy hooks up with girls”. Maybe she got confused and thinks she’s on Survivor.
At the sponsored hotel, TAFKAAG produces a date card and then runs away in terror. The single date has gone to Abbie, because Matt thinks there might be a few inches of her he hasn’t groped yet. “I’m absolutely livid at Matt,” says Monique, who finds the idea of a man choosing to date a woman who he wants to date utterly revolting.
There follows a basically uninteresting date between Matt and Abbie, involving them stomping on fruit in buckets. But the subtext is that throughout, Abbie is plotting her next move in the battle against Monique. “Monique has been calling Matt names,” she growls, as she contemplates the nuclear option.
Back at the hotel, Monique expands on her feelings of anger and betrayal at Matt, for kissing Abbie without even considering the fact that Abbie isn’t someone else. Emma is furious at Monique for saying these things behind Matt’s back, something she informs us of from her handy position behind Monique’s back. Emma’s accent is not slowing down as it careens towards total incomprehensibility.
Meanwhile, fruit stomping adventures over, Matt and Abbie jump on a candlelit couch that happens to be nearby and Matt demands to know what the hell is up with Abbie. Abbie explains that she had a troubled childhood and never had a positive father figure, which is why she is so attracted to TAFKAAG. Matt appreciates Abbie opening up for that twelve seconds of superficial honesty, and gives her a rose to reward her for whining about her father. They celebrate by getting into the pool for some reason.
Then Abbie decides to drop the bomb. She tells Matt that Monique has been talking smack about him, quoting her as having called him a “disrespectful pig” and a “dog c***”. Matt responds quite calmly, because deep down he knows he kind of is both of those. Still, he doesn’t like it much. “It really hurts that it came from Monique,” he says, having been pretty much prepared to hear it from Mary or Rachael. Abbie lets Matt know that she’s only telling him because he deserves to have all the information and it’s not in any way because she’s a nasty little dobber just trying to get rid of her biggest competition.
The next morning, Matt is feeling sad and troubled, and is therefore forced to stand shirtless by the window and stare into the distance while drinking coffee. He is confused as to why someone would object so strongly to him dating women while on a show where he has been employed to do nothing but date women, and let’s be honest, that confusion is shared by the viewers.
But even in a turbulent emotional time, there is group dating to be done. He gathers some of the women who haven’t been causing shirtless window sessions into a “circle of truth”, where everyone sits on the grass and talks about their feelings. It’s awful. Helena enjoys the circle enormously because she is a very honest person and finds grass comfortable. Chelsie, on the other hand, is very shy and has to make an enormous effort to admit that she didn’t want to jeopardise her career to come on the show but she has “put love first” and committed to the televised obliteration of the very concept of human affection.
Matt is hoping he can coax the women into telling him what the hell is up with Monique, but they don’t want to. Even when the question is asked, “when is it OK to not tell the truth?” they don’t mention it. Even when he asks, with agonisingly transparent awkwardness, “would anyone else like to say anything about a time when someone has lied?” they clam up. Suddenly TAFKAAG appears from inside a bush and demands that Matt choose a woman to sit on a couch with tonight. He chooses Chelsie because why the hell not I guess.
Upping the show’s candle budget by another three or four million dollars, Matt and Chelsie sit down, get pissed and talk about nothing in particular. It’s incredibly tedious and there’s no point to it besides delaying the part of the show we’re all waiting for. They giggle a lot, basically. And she gets a rose.
We’ve sat through a LOT to get to the point of this episode, so thankfully now it is finally time for…
Another single date???
What the HELL? Jesus Christ.
Kristin shows up on the golf course where the women are inexplicably playing to present a date card which states “the world is our oyster”. Everyone assumes that it will be Emma, because both of her parents are oysters, but in fact it’s Helena, and we have to sit through another date. Two single dates in one episode. This is bullshit.
Anyway, off go Matt and Helena, for a fun date where they learn how to make pearls and nothing entertaining happens apart from the revelation that Helena’s legs are sixteen feet long and the same circumference all the way up.
At the end, Matt gives her a rose but he doesn’t give her a snog, which disappoints Helena, and fills Matt with regret as he never met a woman he didn’t pash before. His mind just isn’t on the job because he’s still worrying about Monique calling him a dog c*** which he fears he might actually be.
Frigging FINALLY we get to the cocktail party, where all the women are busy loathing Abbie. So strong is Cassandra’s hatred for Abbie that for the first time ever, she speaks. Abbie tells the other women that she told Matt what Monique said. This makes Elly nervous because she hates drama, making her totally unsuited for this show.
Matt arrives and sweeps Abbie away just to check that her dobbing was accurate. He then sweeps Monique away for some romantic recriminations.
Matt tells Monique what Abbie said, and demands to know what the hell. Monique reacts with shock and dismay, swearing blind that she would NEVER use the words “dog see you next Tuesday”, which is Matt’s quaint phrasing. “I don’t speak that way at all,” Monique says. “You could ask half the girls here.” This is quite a suspicious remark, given it means that the OTHER half of the girls would say she DOES speak that way.
Matt doesn’t know what to think. Is Abbie lying? Is Monique lying? Why would Monique say these things? Why would Abbie say Monique said these things if she didn’t say these things? Why is Monique now bitching about the fact he’s kissing other women when that is the premise of the show? What happened to the llama?
Matt grabs Abbie and asks her to join him and Monique for a depressing conversational threesome. The other women watch with sadistic interest. Elly feels sick.
Monique and Abbie sit down. Monique calls Abbie “babe” in as vicious a manner as it is possible to call someone “babe”, and asks why the lies. Abbie says Monique totally called Matt the big C. Monique says she never. Abbie says she totes bloody did. “I would never say in a serious moment Matt’s this or that,” says Monique. See how she slipped in that “in a serious moment”? Yeah. What a giveaway. Abbie recalls that Monique made the slurs during a discussion with Rachael. “I’m gettin’ Rachael,” Matt says, deciding he might as well make a party of it. With Matt gone, Abbie and Monique continue the “you said it”/”I never said it” game for a few minutes, then Monique buggers off.
Determined to get to the bottom of this, Matt goes into full Murder on the Orient Express mode, and interviews everyone except the one person who could give him a definitive answer: the boom mic operator.
He asks Rachael what happened. Rachael thinks Abbie is a dirty little liar, and will not hear a word against Monique. Unfortunately she still hurls Monique under the bus, by admitting that Monique did say the alleged words. “But it was a joke,” Rachael insists, which doesn’t really fly because Monique denied saying it at all. But still…remember that “in a serious moment”? Mmmhmm…
In the kitchen Monique tells Nikki what Abbie told Matt. Nikki can’t believe Abbie would say that, or that she’s still on the show.
Abbie fills Elly in. “I heard what she said and I heard the way she said it,” Elly says. She tells some of the others that Monique denies saying it. They can’t believe it because they know Monique did say it. Or maybe they don’t. Until we hear from the boom man we just can’t know. “This is the juiciest cocktail party ever,” says Mary, confirming our suspicions that she’s not actually here to win Matt, she’s just the commentator. “I’m just gonna sit back and watch with my popcorn,” she goes on. Yes, we know: that’s what you’ve done all series.
Cassandra asks Elly if she heard Monique say it in a joking way. Elly says it wasn’t in a joking way. Emma sniffs that Monique is being dishonest with everyone, pronouncing “entire” in a very odd way that distracts us from whatever point she’s making.
“My head’s a mess,” says Matt, which we already knew. He interviews Nichole, who says “things were said” that made her come to his defence. But she can’t remember exactly what was said, “which I find odd,” says Matt.
He interviews Emma, who says Monique was “very very vocal” and “started saying offensive comments”. She confirms “disrespectful pig” and “dog c***”. Though anything Emma says has to be taken with a grain of salt, because Emma wants every other woman on earth dead.
He interviews Sogand, who heard the c word but says that this is just how Monique and Rachael talk, supporting the “joke” hypothesis. “I haven’t seen anyone laughing tonight,” Matt says, but really you had to be there.
He interviews Elly, who says it didn’t seem like a joke, but Elly grew up on a farm so she might not get sophisticated city humour.
Matt gathers all the women together to talk to them, and reveals that in fact it was Oswald, Lord Fossdale’s feckless nephew, who murdered the old man for his inheritance! Also, he tells them that tonight has been a huge waste of time. Welcome to our world, Matt. He’s pissed off, and the women feel ashamed of themselves. “I think everyone needs to check themselves,” says Helena, even though really only a couple of them need to check themselves.
Sogand is angry at Abbie for tattling, and strongly opines that snitches get stitches. Rachael suddenly appears wearing a frightening shade of lipstick that make her astounding collagen pillows even more disoncerting, giving the impression she has haemorrhoids of the mouth. She is furious at Abbie for deliberately causing drama. Monique tearfully says to Rachael that she doesn’t even use the word “pig”. “No one does, it’s 2019,” Rachael agrees, which is weird. When did people stop saying pig? Is that a thing? Monique never says she doesn’t use the word c*** though.
It’s rose ceremony time. One Bachelorette is going home. Will Abbie’s plan to get Monique sent home work? Or will Matt decide that Monique’s boobs are too good to give up over a petty disagreement about dog c***s?
Abbie, Chelsie and Helena already have roses thanks to the unacceptable date glut tonight, so there are twelve roses left. “If I was Matt, I would be like, send Abbie and Monique home so we can get rid of the bullshit,” says Mary, ignoring the fact that a) he can’t send Abbie home; and b) the bullshit is the only reason anyone watches this show.
Matt gives a rose to Kristin, because bilingualism rocks.
“I think Monique is definitely going home tonight, she’s shown a really ugly side to her,” says Emma, AKA “the pot”.
Matt gives a rose to Mary, because who else is going to provide special comments?
He gives a rose to Elly, because she is The One.
He gives a rose to Sogand, because multiculturalism rocks.
He gives a rose to Emma, because she isn’t going home until she’s committed at least one assault.
He gives a rose to Vakoo in recognition of how hard she works at selecting a new wig each night.
He gives a rose to Brianna, because she looks vaguely familiar.
He gives a rose to Rachael, because Botox rocks.
“He’s gonna send me home for sure, and this 23-year-old is happy about it,” says Monique, who is oddly fixated on Abbie’s age.
Matt gives a rose to Cassandra, as a prize for having her first lines ever.
He gives a rose to Nikki, for reasons best known to himself.
“You’re fine,” Rachael whispers to Monique, lying shamelessly.
He gives a rose to Nichole, because if she’s going to go home, it’ll be on a night when she causes her own damn drama.
There is one rose left, and Matt is agonising. Should he choose Monique, the woman who called him a dog c***, or Julia, the woman who he has never met. “I believe everyone deserves a second chance, but they have to earn that second chance,” he says, passing lightly over the fact that giving a rose to Monique would mean not giving Julia even a first chance.
“It’s definitely me going home,” says Monique, “but at least I’ve stayed true to myself (in calling out dog c***ery wherever I see it), and if he wants to send me home just because of a 23-year-old drama queen that’s up to him.” Again, it’s hard to see what Abbie being 23 has to do with anything, but whatever.
Anyway, he gives the rose to Monique, choosing vicious insults and great boobs over being incredibly dull. “The truth comes out,” says Rachael, meaning…I don’t know. The truth that Matt IS a dog c***?
Julia leaves the mansion and fades gracefully into obscurity again, while Mary observes from the press box that Abbie “better run”.
Tune in tomorrow, when believe it or not there is drama.