Previously on The Bachelor: Abbie snitched and Monique almost got ditched, but Matt decided Julia was just too boring to keep around.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Matt decides the concept of “a second chance” is just too complicated.
Matt is sitting by a river, wondering if he should fill his pockets with stones and walk in. He is devastated that Monique has lied to him, but wants to give her a second chance because after all, check out the body on her.
He has invited both Abbie and Monique on the group date, in order to pit them against each other in a fight to the death. Abbie and Monique continue to snipe at each other in their cutaways. Abbie insists she’s done nothing wrong. Monique continues to find the fact that Abbie is 23 years old somehow offensive.
TAFKAAG is waiting in a field with Matt when the Bachelorettes show up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to engage in some incredibly pointless activity. The conversation turns to weddings. “Weddings in general are very important to me,” says Emma. Weddings in general? Doesn’t matter who?
Today, whoever proves themselves “most compatible” with Matt will win some one-on-one time. How to prove your compatibility? Obviously, by trying to catch a bouquet fired from a giant slingshot. There is no explanation how the ability to catch a bouquet relates to compatibility, nor why Matt feels the need to subject the women to this.
“This game’s going to be a lot of fun, but it’ll also be a good way to keep an eye on Monique and Abbie,” Matt says, apparently willing to mouth any old bullshit to make these stupid dates seem meaningful.
Abbie catches the first two bouquets, leaping high and elbowing other women out of the way in a physical manifestation of her general attitude. Monique isn’t really trying to catch them, possibly because she doesn’t want to get sweaty, possibly because she has some semblance of dignity.
The next two bouquets are caught by Vakoo. “Things are getting pretty intense,” says Nikki, who is still on this show. “Girls are getting bruises, getting knocked over.” It is, indeed, an incredibly stupid exercise, but at least this idiotic women are taking it seriously.
“Really impressed with Abbie,” Matt says, “but I’m pretty disappointed with Monique. It seems like she’s not even trying to win.” He seems to have gotten this backwards: the far more impressive course of action is to not try to win this objectively moronic game. Matt solemnly observes that Monique has to work to win back his trust, but right now she’s not even trying to catch the bouquets that he is shooting at her from a giant slingshot, which is for some reason the method by which Matt’s trust is earned. This is the point at which it becomes quite likely that Matt has some kind of brain parasite.
Back at the mansion, Rachael, Helena, Mary and Chelsie discuss what a skank Abbie is. Rachael knows Monique was just joking, but Monique kind of shot herself in the foot by not saying she was joking but instead denying she ever said it at all. It was a tactical blunder that could hand victory to Abbie a la Warren Ryan’s decision to replace Steve Roach and Paul Sironen in the 1989 grand final, which is what everyone is thinking.
Back at the insane group date, the five women who were best at catching bouquets turn up wearing wedding dresses as the whole show devolves into a Pasolini-esque fever dream. Emma is quite jealous of the women who get to wear bridal gowns, because if Emma had her way she’d never wear anything else.
“Weddings aren’t really anything to me,” says Emma, which is handy because this show is doing its best to remove the significance of weddings from us all.
The wedding dress wearers are to be quizzed on relationship-y things. If they give an answer that matches Matt’s, they get to snip someone else’s bouquet, and if they don’t, their bouquet gets snipped, and when their bouquets run out, they get drowned or something., I don’t know, it’s hard to concentrate for very long when TAFKAAG is talking.
The first question regards where Abbie sees herself in five years. She says “married with kids”, which everyone knows is a bare-faced lie, but it’s the same as what Matt says so I guess LYING IS ACCEPTABLE NOW IS IT.
The second question sees Abbie give the right answer again, ironically saying that “honesty is the most important thing”. She answers the third, fairly stupid question right too.
Since everyone knows Abbie is a big fat liar, they all gang up on her and set to work snipping her bouquets. “This is so funny to watch,” says Sogand, and she is correct. With only one of Abbie’s bouquets left, Cassandra breaks the habit of a lifetime by speaking aloud, gets an answer right, and snips the last one. Everyone cheers Abbie’s failure. Sogand and Monique do a little dance which is, sadly, pretty awful.
The quiz comes down to Vakoo and Kristin. Luckily the last question is not in Chinese, so Vakoo wins. She is very excited. “I feel like I’m on my first date, but fifty times more intense,” she says, so she’s bound to give a good impression of herself, being so relaxed.
For a change of pace, Vakoo and Matt sit down on a couch, surrounded by candles. “Me and Vakoo always have a laugh,” Matt says, without any evidence whatsoever to back his assertion up. “Up until now, Matt has seen my funny bubbly side,” says Vakoo, “so tonight I’m hoping to show him I’m more serious.” To this end, she spends the entire time giggling manically and fails to say anything at all. Every time Matt says anything, she just explodes with laughter, spitting wine everywhere. “I’m really pleased we get a chance to get to know each other,” Matt says. Vakoo giggles uncontrollably. “Can I get you some cheese and a cracker?” Matt says. Vakoo giggles uncontrollably. “I wanted to ask – ” Matt says. Vakoo giggles uncontrollably.
Luckily, when Matt asks her what she wants out of life, Vakoo manages to control herself long enough to give a rambling, meaningless answer. “I think we’re at different stages of our lives,” says Matt, and he’s right: Vakoo is at the giggling stage of life, while Matt is at the televised infidelity stage. Matt kisses Vakoo on the cheek and doesn’t give her a rose. “I think that’s a bad sign,” says Vakoo. No shit, Sherlock. You should’ve worn a wig, that would’ve tipped him over the edge.
Next day at the mansion, Nikki asks what everyone thinks the plan for today is. Everyone responds with shock that Nikki is on the show. Emma is desperately hoping for a single date, and wondering why the voodoo dolls she made of all the other Bachelorettes don’t seem to be working.
Matt pops up in the mansion in a bright orange jumper to symbolise his proud Dutch heritage. He asks Chelsie to spend the day at his “place”, by which he means Channel Ten’s place. He tells her to bring her bathers, dashing her hopes of nude swimming.
Emma is disappointed. “I feel I’ve been very patient,” she says ominously, visions of bunnies boiling in her mind’s eye. Abbie is also pissed off because Chelsie has a good body and Abbie knows that this is one of Matt’s favourite things. Abbie will probably have to snitch on Chelsie now.
Matt knows he and Chelsie share a love of dumb nerd stuff, but he’s looking to discover some physical chemistry too, so presumably he’ll be whipping it out at some point today.
At the Bach Pad, which is the name people, with a straight face, call the house Matt is staying, Matt takes Chelsie to the kitchen and forces her to bake. “I love baking, and I’m man enough to admit it,” Matt says with a buffoonish grin, like he’s confessing to reading Dolly or something.
Matt and Chelsie have a lot of fun cracking eggs and throwing flour at each other and it literally nauseating to watch. The impression they are trying to convey, that this is spontaneous flirtatious food-fighting, is as brutal an insult to the audience’s intelligence as television has ever inflicted. There might as well have been a shot of an autocue reading “THROW FLOUR: GIGGLE”.
The pair decide to get into the pool in order to wash off the batter and finger each other. “Chelsie has an incredible body,” says Matt, confirming Abbie’s worst fears. They have a nice long wet kiss which the cameras linger on for longer than necessary. Matt has decided they definitely have chemistry, by which he means she’s hot and she let him feel her up.
Back at the mansion, Elly is happy that Chelsie got a single date, and she tells Abbie and Emma so. Emma and Abbie do not share her enthusiasm. Abbie doesn’t think Matt and Chelsie have any chemistry, and believes they will not kiss. Suffer in your jocks, Abbie, they kissed HEAPS. Abbie finds it pretty difficult to imagine that Matt would be attracted to anyone else after all the pool-humping she’s already done with him. Meanwhile Emma wonders whether to do it while Chelsie sleeps, or to slip something into her coffee.
Back at the Bach Pad, Chelsie and Matt sit on a couch and drink and drink and drink. Matt asks Chelsie what she wants out of life. Chelsie’s answer is just as vague as Vakoo’s, but Chelsie is blonde so Matt finds it fascinating. “I didn’t think the Bachelor would be someone who could understand what on earth I’m rambling on about half the time,” Chelsie says, possibly giving Matt too much credit. Chelsie’s speech is slurring by this stage, so the wine’s working.
“I believe that if you’re the smartest person in the room,” Matt says, oddly, “and with Chelsie I’m definitely not the smartest person in the room.” I think what he’s saying is: Chelsie is in the wrong room. Get the hell out, Chelsie.
They smooch some more, and Matt gives Chelsie a rose, if for no other reason than to hammer home just how much he dislikes Vakoo.
It’s cocktail party time. The women have assembled in their finest at the mansion. In the garden a gigantic fan and an enormous pile of manure have been set up specially for the occasion.
Abbie is furious that Monique is still there, and she repeats the phrase “dog c***” just to emphasise how noble she was for snitching on Monique without thought of personal gain.
Sogand is angry at Abbie for being a sneaky little sow. She hopes Matt can see through Abbie, but this is pretty damn optimistic of her, because this is Matt we’re talking about.
Matt is tortured. He says that it’s not what Monique said that troubles him, it’s the lying, which is the kind of thing someone says when it is definitely what Monique said that is troubling him. He asks Monique to come with him for a chat, hoping to convince her to cease sitting on her throne of lies so he can marry her or at least see her naked a few times.
Monique thanks Matt for not kicking her out and says she hopes they can move forward and put the unpleasantness behind them. Matt doesn’t want to put the unpleasantness behind them. Matt wants to pull the unpleasantness close to his bosom and fondle it gently. Monique says she’s sorry. Matt asks what she’s apologising for. Monique says, you know, the vibe, the whole thing etc. She says she can’t say she actually called him a dog c*** because she “still doesn’t think” she said that. Big mistake, Monique. That’s liar talk.
Matt has a sad, disapproving look on his face, like a man who has just eaten a microwaved 7/11 chicken roll. Monique tells him she remembers the conversation with Rachael where they had a good old laugh about lots of things that definitely did not involve dog c***s. “What was the nature of that conversation?” Matt asks pointedly, like a young Perry Mason.
“It was something along the lines of, I don’t know, like…I just can’t remember,” says Monique, speaking, if you recall on the subject of a conversation which five seconds ago she declared she could remember. Her memory: it sort of fades in and out, you know.
Matt is disgusted. He knows Monique is lying, and no amount of amazing breasts can make up for that. “To me, that’s a huge copout,” he says. He points out that everyone else corroborated the dog c*** story and her amnesia is strangely convenient. He says he really likes Monique and her lies are hurting him on the inside, in his tummy and so forth.
He tells Monique straight up that he believes she called him a dog c*** and that the trust between them has been crushed. “I had feelings for you!” he cries, much like Obi-Wan yelling “You were the chosen one!” at Anakin Skywalker. He doesn’t know how he and Monique can go on, with her lying dog c***ing all over the place.
“You don’t want me here anymore?” Monique asks, apparently happier to just give up the whole game rather than simply say, “Yes I said it and I’m sorry, I was joking.” Proud woman. Matt tells her that it would be for the best if she left. He walks her to the car and makes arrangements for her clothes to be sold.
Monique rides away in the car, soliloquising about what a psycho bitch Abbie is. I hope she writes a book about it.
TAFKAAG visits the other women to tell them that Monique has been welcomed to Dumpville. The women are gobsmacked. Sogand is devastated. Abbie does a fairly unconvincing impression of a woman who isn’t wetting herself with happiness.
By the way, those ads for Tradie underwear are pretty sexy, eh? Good stuff.
Anyway, rose time. Sogand believes she’s on the chopping block because Abbie has won and Sogand was on Team Monique. Would Matt be that vindictive? Does Matt even know anything about what’s going on?
Chelsie has a rose. There are twelve roses left. One Bachelorette will leave.
“I’m feeling really defeated,” says Vakoo, but she is looking bloody fantastic. “There’s more of me to show Matt,” she says. Not in that dress there isn’t.
Matt gives a rose to Emma, because at least the Monique doll worked.
He gives a rose to Helena, because she kept quiet and kept her head down.
He gives a rose to Mary, because she is a great talking head.
Worth mentioning that every time Matt says a woman’s name, he breaks into this wide creepy grin that he obviously thinks is attractive but just makes him look like he’s offering candy to children.
He gives a rose to Abbie because she has won.
He gives a rose to Nichole, because we haven’t seen her tonight yet.
He gives a rose to Brianna, because at some point he is determined to know one fact about her.
He gives a rose to Rachael, for fear that rekection might make her face melt.
He gives a rose to Elly, because she is The One.
He gives a rose to Cassandra, because her bolt-cutter technique is impeccable.
He gives a rose to Nikki, and we still don’t know why.
He gives a rose to Kristin, because he’s planning a trip to Hong Kong and wants tips on the best restaurants.
He gives a rose to Sogand, because he wants Abbie to torture her a little longer.
This means Vakoo must go home, despite the fact she is smoking hot and a lot nicer than most of the other women left. In the end, as attractive as Vakoo is, Matt’s deep hatred of the sound of female laughter told against her. She must now leave, condemned to a bleak future of finding a much better man to be with.
Tune in tomorrow, when Abbie climbs all the way up herself.
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