Previously on The Bachelor: Monique was too stupid to apologise so she had to leave.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Abbie continues to lie her perm off.
It’s morning at the mansion, and Helena and Sogand are discussing the dastardly machinations of Abbie. Helena doesn’t think Abbie is here “for the right reasons”. What the right reasons might be goes unspoken: to get a gig on breakfast radio? To go on The Project? Whatever they are, Abbie’s not here for them.
TAFKAAG emerges from his home swamp to bring a single date card. Whoever is on the card will have to wear a blindfold. “Ooh, fifty shades of Matt!” exclaims Nikki, in her capacity as the Absolute Worst.
The single date is for Emma, which is lucky because if she went one more day without a single date card she was going to go on some kind of spree.
Matt declares that he is looking forward to spending the day with Emma, but he’s nowhere near a good enough actor for that to sound believable, even when his voice is juxtaposed with a shot of him looking blankly into the sky like a man waiting for his racing pigeon to arrive.
Instead of a pigeon, Emma shows up. “I see Matt, and he is looking divine,” she says, psychotically. “This date is already everything I’ve ever imagined.” Emma, all you have done is walk up to a house and seen a man. What the hell is wrong with you?
It’s blindfold time. Emma isn’t sure whether it’s a “fifty shades” thing. All these women seem to think Fifty Shades of Grey is the story of a woman with a blindfold.
The truth is far more disappointing: Matt tells Emma that he wants her to experience some “sensory deprivation”. Inside the house is a table with six cloches. So it’s basically Masterchef. “I’ve picked out some amazing dishes,” lies Matt, who has never been in this room before.
The blindfold is applied, and Emma prepares for what for all she knows might be a black market organ harvesting. Luckily, Matt was, in a broad sense, telling the truth, and he feeds her something gross. Emma suspects it might be a spider, as it tastes a lot like all the spiders she’s eaten previously.
Back at the mansion, Mary says she doesn’t think Emma is Matt’s type, in accordance with the contractual obligation for every Bachelorette to say that she doesn’t think any other Bachelorette is the Bachelor’s type. Rachael agrees that Emma is nothing like Matt’s type, as Matt’s type is someone with enormous novelty lips.
At the blindfolded tasting house, Emma correctly identifies truffles, which she hates. But she would happily eat squid penis if Matt was serving it to her. It’s now time for Matt to put on the blindfold and taste something Emma feeds to him, even though as Matt chose all these dishes presumably he already knows what they are, RIGHT?
The dish Emma is feeding Matt is chocolate cake, which he doesn’t identify right away so he’s either a liar or a moron. Emma is enjoying feeding things to Matt. “It’s unbelievably romantic,” says Emma, apparently having been given the impression at some point in her life that the utter pinnacle of romance is shovelling cake into a blind man’s mouth. “I’m developing feelings for Matt,” she adds, which doesn’t mean much: Emma would develop feelings for a truck tyre if you told her there was a chance it might propose.
It is now time for Matt and Emma to sit on a couch and drink. Matt would like to explore their connection in a deeper sense: find out what medication she’s on and so forth. He asks her what she’s looking for in life. She tells him that what she’s looking for in life is Matt. “You do mean the world for me,” Emma says, as if she’s been taking intensive lessons in How To Terrify A Man You Barely Know.
“The fact that Emma is so open and honest about what she wants only makes me like her more,” says Matt. Well, Hitler was open and honest about he wanted, Matt. You need to base a relationship on a little more than that.
Matt pulls out a present for Emma. It’s a piece of wood with the waveform of the words she said at their first meeting carved into it. Emma is delighted beyond words by this weird and pointless gift. She bursts into tears. “I can’t believe Matt has gone to such an extent to give me something so beautiful,” she gushes scarily, wrong on at least two counts: 1. it’s not beautiful and 2. Matt did nothing.
“I genuinely feel special with you,” says Matt, not surprisingly as Emma is only seconds away from slaughtering a goat in his honour. He gives her a rose, which is a bad move because it’s only going to encourage her.
The most unsettling date in history over, the next day dawns and it’s time for the Bachelorettes to get together and subtly demonstrate their loathing for each other. TAFKAAG and Matt gather them together to watch them perform like trained apes for their entertainment.
Today’s exercise is all about the woman demonstrating their knowledge of each other’s personal qualities or something dumb like that. Matt says the quality he most prizes in a woman apart from a desire to worship at his feet is “Selflessness”. “I think I’m pretty selfless,” says Elly, falling into Matt’s cunning trap.
TAFKAAG demands that the women order themselves from most selfless to most selfish. This seems like just a convoluted way to ask a group of women to beat each other up. Nobody wants to go to the selfish end. “I think we’re all pretty selfless,” says Abbie, amusingly. Cassandra finally agrees to get it over with and go to the selfish end herself.
A very hilarious thing now happens, as TAFKAAG informs the five women who positioned themselves as most selfless will “selflessly step out of the game”. Fair play to you, TAFKAAG: that was a sweet move. It’s even funnier because one of the five is Emma, who was crawling up her own fundament with glee over how selfless she was.
But then TAFKAAG completely reverses his sweet move with a stupid move: the five “most selfless” women are now “safe” and all get roses. There better be another twist here, TAFKAAG, because this sucks balls. I mean, OBVIOUSLY the right way to go about this game would be to say that the woman who willingly put herself as the most selfish, Cassandra, gets a rose because by doing so she proved herself GENUINELY SELFLESS. That’s what should have happened. Kicking the five up-themselves women out was good, but giving them roses is lame as all hell.
Mary is very upset as she doesn’t get a rose and if she gets eliminated tonight she won’t get to continue her commentary career.
TAFKAAG shows the remaining women eight platforms. Matt is going to pose some questions, and the women are going to order themselves according to how much they believe they possess the qualities he asks about. Abbie is sure she is going to win because she is going to claim she has all the qualities Matt likes. This is an insanely brilliant strategy that no other woman could possibly have thought of.
The “selfless five” will vote after each round as to which Bachelorettes should get kicked out of the game. Which means Abbie just might struggle because everyone hates her frigging guts.
The first quality Matt mentions is “fun”. “Who is the most fun?” he asks. Cassandra immediately rushes to the number one position, certain that her ability to go weeks without talking makes her the most fun. Abbie is furious that she hasn’t been allowed to position herself as the most fun, and bitches loudly about it until Cassandra finally gives in and goes down to number seven. Cassandra is once again being incredibly selfless in her endeavours to prevent fisticuffs, but she is taking a big risk because Matt, being basically an idiot, is likely to take all this on face value. The Selfless Five, however, are incredibly unimpressed with Abbie’s bullcrap.
“I don’t care about anything but Matt,” says Abbie, “so these girls need to chill the f*** out.” She’s almost right: what these girls need to do definitely involves the phrase “the f*** out”.
The Selfless Five are asked to vote on whether Cassandra or Nichole is less fun, an astoundingly cruel exercise that TAFKAAG takes enormous delight in forcing them to go through. They all vote for Cassandra, who would’ve been at number one but removed herself for the greater good, which makes the Selfless Five some real bitches.
The next quality Matt is looking for is “intelligence”. This results in Nikki being removed from the game, which is a result nobody could reasonably argue with. After that comes “passion”. Every time, Abbie moves directly to number one, a tactic which only a complete imbecile could possibly fall for, so it’s lucky for her the Bachelor is Matt. The least passionate Bachelorette is apparently Sogand. Whatever.
The game continues, with nobody bringing up the fact that this is actually a challenge designed to discover which of the Bachelorettes is fastest when walking to a platform. The amazing thing is that somewhere a producer thought up this game and considered it a good thing to put on television that would in no way grossly insult the audience’s intelligence.
The final quality Matt likes is “honesty”. There are only three women left, because Nichole has disappeared with no explanation. It’s between Abbie, Mary and whatsherface, Brianna or something. Mary thinks she’s very honest, but she ends up placed last, with Abbie amazingly yet again at number one.
“Maybe I should swap with Abbie, because I’m very honest,” says Mary. “I’m, like, incapable of lying. I literally cannot lie,” Abbie retorts, displaying her whimsical sense of humour yet again. All the other Bachelorettes gape in astonishment, disbelieving that Abbie, who they know to be continually lying, is lying.
“I can’t believe this shit,” says Mary. Brianna offers to swap with Mary, which is nice but meaningless. The Selfless Five vote for Mary as the least honest for reasons that defy any explanation. Abbie is incredibly proud of herself. “Putting myself at number one was a no-brainer,” Abbie snickers, and yeah, it was. Which raises the question: WHY DIDN’T ANY OF THE OTHERS DO IT? Obviously what you want to do is go to number one, so why didn’t EVERY woman just rush for the number one spot instantly every time? This whole thing should’ve been an endless brawl for first place, it makes NO FRIGGING SENSE that Abbie walked into number one every time without anyone trying to shove her out of the way.
TAFKAAG congratulates Abbie and Brianna. “You’ve obviously learnt a lot about the kind of things that Matt is looking for today,” he says, which is possibly the stupidest thing anyone has ever said on TV, and that is saying something. “Learnt a lot”? They were told that Matt would name some qualities, and that the women who rated themselves most highly on those qualities would get a chance at winning one-on-one time with Matt. The only thing it’s possible for this game to demonstrate is how well a person grasps the concept of first place being better than last place.
Sorry to go on about it, but even by Bachelor standards, this “challenge” is a mind-blowingly stupid one, and everyone who watches the Bachelor should be feeling like Channel Ten is spitting in their face right now.
TAFKAAG asks Abbie and Brianna to go inside and write down what’s important to them. They will have to read it out to Matt later tonight. “This isn’t a competition at all,” Abbie smirks, believing Brianna and Matt “have nothing in common”. But then, Emma and Matt have nothing in common either, and he pashed her purely on the basis of her telling him he’s a golden god over and over.
The other women sit around and talk about their hope that Brianna beats Abbie – hopefully literally. “Abbie is more full of shit than the lactose intolerant people in here,” says Nikki, and everyone laughs despite not really understanding this. The producers seem to be trying to position Nikki as the joker of the group, because there’s really nothing else she could possibly be.
The women will be watching Abbie and Brianna deliver their spiels live on TV from inside the mansion. Abbie goes first. Abbie tells Matt that being passionate is important to her, and that intelligence is important to her, and that honesty is important to her. In other words, she is regurgitating the things Matt said during the challenge. If Matt had more sense than a bag of hair he would see through this, but he doesn’t. Not even when Abbie says “sometimes I’m too honest, I literally can’t lie”, something only a liar would ever say. Inside the mansion, the women roll their eyes and make wanking gestures.
Brianna gets her shot. Emma is concerned that Brianna won’t get a rose because she’s coming across nervous. And Matt, who loves honesty so much, will surely hate anyone being open about feeling nervous. “This is so awkward,” says Emma, but look who’s bloody talking. Brianna tells Matt she enjoys fun, eg playing Eye Spy. What the hell, Brianna? She also says there are other things but mainly just fun. Matt suggests Brianna might have skipped over some things, as she’s written several pages but has, essentially, just told him, “I like stuff”.
In the mansion, Sogand rants about Abbie’s dishonesty. Everyone wants Brianna to win the rose, as she’s had no time with Matt yet and it’s only fair that she does now. But then, if Brianna wants a rose maybe she could put in even a modicum of effort.
Anyway, Abbie and Brianna come in and Abbie has a rose and everyone is shattered. “The only thing that can make us happy is our Magnum ice-creams,” says Nikki, earning her keep for the week with that little mention.
At the cocktail party, Sogand continues to fume about Abbie’s dishonesty. “People aren’t stupid,” she says in stark denial of the facts in evidence. Helena nods her agreement while wishing she was somewhere else.
TAFKAAG arrives and taps a glass. “You taught Matt a lot about the qualities that each of you have,” he lies, having completely rejected Sogand’s “people aren’t stupid” hypothesis. He informs the women that tonight’s rose ceremony is not a regular rose ceremony: Matt will spend time with each Bachelorette, and whoever is left without a rose at the end of the night will piss off.
Matt enters the house, looking as charmingly gormless as ever. He takes Nichole, who has reappeared after her mysterious vanishing during the group date. Whatever they talk about, and however they fiddle with each other’s bits, she comes away with a rose.
Sogand can see Abbie laughing, and it pisses her off. You and me both, sister. She suddenly stands and stalks over to demand a conversation with Abbie. “Aw shit,” says Mary, getting herself in a strong position to view the action.
Sogand sits down and accuses Abbie of putting on an act. She points out that Abbie said she wasn’t ready to get married or have kids, but on a group date told Matt that she hoped to be married with kids in five years. Abbie denies having said she doesn’t want marriage or kids. “I’m KNOWN for being honest,” she tells Sogand, hoping that will be the end of it. Sogand tells her that her bullshit will come back to bite her. “This is a joke,” Abbie shoots back. To camera, she says that Sogand is losing her mind because she’s jealous.
It’s now time for an ad for Magnum ice-cream. Like the ones the women were eating on the show! Can you believe it?
At the mansion, Nikki is scared she won’t get a rose, and she should be, because she’s completely unbearable. “Sometimes I’m like how could this person actually like me?” she says. The other women reassure her, but I mean…she’s not wrong.
Matt is flinging roses around like an audience warmup guy handing out fun-size Flakes. Everyone seems to have a rose except Brianna and Nikki. Matt grabs the latter for a chat, hoping to find out what her goddamn deal is. Nikki decides to open up. “I do make a lot of awkward jokes, I know that,” she says. “Not a bad thing,” Matt says, even though it is. She tells him she wants him to be her life partner and have awesome sex. Surely that’ll get her a rose: if explicitly offering to bang a dude doesn’t merit a rose, what does?
Brianna is scared that she has ruined her chances of getting a rose by being such a boring pillock earlier on. Matt asks her to sit down with him for a chat. Brianna tells him the challenge earlier was difficult for her, because she’s not good with feelings. Hopefully not being good with feelings is another quality Matt prizes in a woman. Brianna tells him that she has no long-term goals and wishes only to go with the flow. Matt finds this disturbing, as he insists that any woman who wants to date him be willing to marry within the year. He asks what she’s looking for. Brianna says she doesn’t think more than a year ahead. Matt can’t tolerate this as he’s aware of how quickly his sperm are ageing.
“I’m at this point where I need to make lots of hard decisions,” says Matt, as a lead-up to revealing that one of the hard decisions he needs to make is that he never wants to see her again. “Sending Brianna home is not easy,” he says, but honestly it seems like it’s pretty easy. He packs her into a car, and she rides off into the night, to couch-surf for a few more years.
In the house, Nikki is looking forlorn. She’s looking so forlorn that…no…dammit…I’m feeling sorry for her! No! I was having a perfectly good time hating Nikki, and now she’s gone all emotionally vulnerable and her eyes are welling up and her lip’s quivering and I just want to give her a hug. God damn you, Nikki.
Oh, the relief, when Matt shows up with a rose for Nikki! She can’t believe it. Nobody can. But everyone is happy for her. On the other hand, they’re devastated for Brianna, who despite being fairly boring and annoying and unpleasant to be around, is much better than Abbie. Sogand is especially upset that Abbie’s evilness has caused another innocent to be dispatched. Things are coming to a head…
Tune in tomorrow, when things come to a head.
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The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely