Previously on The Bachelor: Brianna came down with a fatal case of nobody-cares.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Matt gets a woman to do all his emotional labour.
Kristin, whose name turns out, against all odds, to be Kristen, is waiting by the river for Matt to show up for their single date. We didn’t see a date card or anything: have they finally realised how tedious it is watching names be read out?
Anyway, Matt shows up in a kayak. “I’m really excited to spend the day with Kristen,” he says, sounding as pumped up as a man about to do his taxes. We get a quick flashback to their meeting to remind us which one Kristen is: she’s the one who never shuts up about China, remember?
Matt’s wearing glasses in this episode. I don’t think they’re his. He may have stolen them.
Kristen is already speaking Chinese. Dear god this is going to be a long day.
Matt and Kristen each take a kayak and paddle down the river. It’s a great idea for a date because Matt doesn’t have to come into physical contact with Kristen. He immediately abandons this great advantage by jumping onto Kristen’s kayak. Then they fall into the water. Kriste laughs a lot, but we’ve already established that there are jellyfish in this water. Someone might die. They climb back onto the kayak and fall off again. This can go on for the whole ep as far as I’m concerned.
Suddenly the kayaking is over and Matt forces Kristen to play a lifesize game of noughts and crosses. He calls it “hugs and kisses”, which is the kind of thing a sex offender would say. I won’t describe the game in detail because seriously can you imagine anything less interesting?
As a result of the game, Matt gives Kristen a foot massage. That’s it. Just a foot massage. Nothing more to say.
Back at the mansion, there are llamas and we still don’t have an explanation. Abbie is sitting chatting with Emma and Elly, the only two women stupid enough to not know that Abbie is a monster. Emma asks Abbie if Kristen is compatible with Matt. “She’s such a good person,” replies Abbie, a la Regina George from Mean Girls. Abbie doesn’t think that Kristen is compatible with Matt, on the basis that nobody in this show thinks anyone is compatible with Matt apart from themselves. Apart from Matt, who believes everyone is compatible with him.
Meanwhile Kristen is covering Matt with mud, and if they’re not compatible with each other, they are certainly doing a good impression of compatible people, what with all the incredibly aggressive groping and so forth. And kisses etc. Imagine how hot Matt’s going to get when he finds a woman he DOES have sexual chemistry with.
It should be noted that while they’re kissing, Matt’s face is still covered with mud. It’s pretty gross.
At the mansion, Nikki – still on a high from discovering that she has somewhere warm to sleep for another night -brings a date card. “I wanna go on a date,” says Mary, and to be fair to her, that is kind of the entire point of this exercise.
It’s a group date and Elly, Cassandra, Sogand and Abbie are going on it. Sogand is pissed off that Abbie is coming. Mary is pissed off that Abbie is going. Everyone is pissed off that Abbie is going, except for Elly who is oblivious to everything as usual.
We never did see how Matt and Kristen’s date turned out. Did Kristen even come home? Did Matt dump her in the river?
The group date is, like all Bachelor group dates, neither fun nor romantic. Matt introduces the four Bachelorettes to his friend Kate, a woman who he’s known for ages but never considered as a romantic partner because she doesn’t look enough like the sort of women who get accepted as contestants on The Bachelor. Next year, Matt will be part of Kate’s groom’s party. What Kate’s groom thinks about this is not recorded.
TAFKAAG, whose presence is unnecessary, explains that Kate will be interrogating the awful women her friend has gotten himself mixed up with, and deciding who gets a rose.
Kate tells us that Matt is “a really genuine, nice guy”, despite the compelling evidence that he is on the television show The Bachelor. She doesn’t want anyone to take advantage of him: why she didn’t tell him not to go on the freaking show, who can say.
Then it’s revealed that the four Bachelorettes also get to have a friend come and see them. They all squeal and cry and jump up and down like they’d assumed that going on the show meant they would never see their friends and family ever again.
TAFKAAG asks Elly’s friend what it would mean if Elly found love on the show. For one thing, it would mean that Elly would move out. Meanwhile Abbie reacts to the presence of her sister in a way that suggests she’d previously been told her sister was dead.
Kate and Matt chat in the kitchen of whatever house this is. “I’m so excited for today’s group date,” says Matt: a statement that by this point in the series has lost all meaning. While he and Kate discuss all the groping he’s been doing, the four Bachelorettes chat to their loved ones. Sogand tells her gay best friend that she doesn’t like Abbie. He says she seems like someone who needs to be the centre of attention. He can sum that up in five seconds, but somehow Matt hasn’t figured it out yet. Sogand’s friend says he wants to make sure Matt makes the right decision, which is weird because he doesn’t even know Matt, why does he care what he does? Sogand’s best friend is pretty sure Sogand is right for Matt, which is a bit of a turn-up.
It is now time for Kate to grill the women. First up is Elly. Elly finds it nervewracking meeting Kate, especially since she spends the whole interview holding a gun under the table pointed straight at Elly’s groin. Kate demands to know how old Elly is. Elly is 24, but she sees marriage and kids in her future, which is the correct answer because Matt is desperate to spread his seed throughout the earth. Elly starts to cry as she speaks about how important family is. Kate seems to find this charming and not as annoying as a normal person might.
Next is Cassandra. She admits to Kate that she is currently in Adelaide, making Kate wonder how she can also be sitting in front of her. Kate is bound to have doubts about whether Matt can possibly find happiness with a woman from Adelaide, but she’ll also be a little put off by the fact that Cassandra is so committed to a shady enterprise she refers to only as “my business”. Guns, drugs, protection?
Next is Abbie, who gushes all over Kate and covers her with her filthy lie juice. Sogand hopes Kate can see through Abbie. Kate will see through Abbie if she has a brain larger than a lychee, but she’s best friends with Matt, so who knows how much obliviousness has rubbed off on her. Abbie fudges when Kate asks her whether she can see marriage in her future, refusing to either rule in or rule out a life of drudgery and slavish devotion to a man. But then she says that in an ideal world she would be married in five years. Kate looks confused. Nobody else is confused, because we all know already that Abbie suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
While Kate grills the Bachelorettes, Matt is having a natter to their friends. Elly’s friend gives Matt her blessing: she definitely wants Elly to move out as soon as possible. Sogand’s gay friend says that Sogand believes one of the girls isn’t here for the right reasons. He doesn’t say who, even though he could, what does he care, he’s not a Bachelorette. Matt is deeply disturbed by the news: he wants to get to the bottom of this. He won’t, but he wants to.
It is Sogand’s turn to be questioned by Kate, and to drop some goddamn truth bombs. As soon as she’s given an opening, she lets rip. It’s a pretty big opening too. To be honest – and I know this sounds crazy – I feel like Kate might’ve been told what questions to ask. Sogand is happy to tell Kate that Abbie is a big lying slag. Kate now feels that maybe Abbie lied to HER as well, which is incredibly hurtful: she thought she and Abbie had a genuine connection. “I won’t be surprised if Abbie’s a complete fake,” says Kate. We’re almost there…
Kate makes her report to Matt. “I’m really excited to sit down with Kate,” he says. Has there been a single incident in this man’s life that he hasn’t been really excited for?
Kate tells Matt that she liked Elly, who is down to earth and genuine and here for the right reasons. Elly is getting that rose. She tells Matt that Cassandra is obsessed with her business and has literally no other personality traits. She tells Matt that “Abbie seems lovely” which is pretty significant phrasing. She notes that Abbie said that marriage isn’t a big deal for her, and then that it was, and that she’s dodgy af. And finally she tells Matt that Sogand thinks Abbie is a goddamn snake.
Matt looks shattered at this news, because even though he had suspected that Abbie might be a lying little skank, she’s still the woman who dry-humped him most effectively. He doesn’t want to believe that dry-humping was based on lies. It seems pretty clear that Matt is going to ignore his trusted friend’s counsel and keep trying to jump Abbie as often as possible.
It’s cocktail party time, and still nobody has explained the llamas. The women have passive-aggressive discussions about the group date. Tonight everyone hates Elly for having a rose. Kristen also might have a rose, but who would know, given we never saw her date end.
Oh, no, Kristen has a rose. Good. Closure.
Helena is feeling a bit insecure, after Matt deliberately avoided her mouth on their single date, and also she knows that she doesn’t have that special combination of sensuality and vicious narcissisim that Matt prizes highly.
Suddenly Matt pops out of a cupboard and demands Helena sit on a couch with him. He’s wearing his glasses here too. I feel like there’s a story here that we’re not hearing. These glasses have history. They look a lot like the ones Henry Kissinger dropped in the toilet in The Simpsons. Matt has regretted not slipping Helena the tongue, and now he takes his chance. Probably Helena is going to get a rose now, because she knows how to suck a man’s face.
Matt suddenly seems to be wildly in love with Helena. Imagine a show where once a man decides he wants to start a relationship with a woman, he gets to. This ain’t that show.
Tonight isn’t about Matt and Helena entwining tongues, though: tonight is about Abbie and Sogand throwing down. Sogand tells some others that she had a great time today: maybe she should consider hooking up with Kate. She thinks Abbie is going home tonight. She is vastly overrating Matt’s intelligence.
Sogand jokes that the women she’s with – Elly, Nichole and Emma – and her should be the final four, and calls out to the others that this is the plan. Rachael confides that she doesn’t like Sogand. “She’s two-faced,” Rachael says, and she finds this greedy, since Rachael hasn’t even managed to scrape together one. “She should know better, it’s disgusting,” she goes on, still steadfastly refusing to have a facial expression. She bitches to Abbie about Sogand. But doesn’t Rachael remember that she hates Abbie too? If there’s going to be an Abbie-Rachael alliance, I can’t even.
“I need a little drama in my life,” says Rachael, as she goes right ahead and hurls a grenade into the mansion, telling Abbie that Sogand has been snitching on her to Kate.
Abbie is in tears, although the tears are likely as fake as everything else about her. She can’t believe that Sogand thinks she’s there with the wrong intentions. “What intentions could I have?” she asks, to which the answer is obvious: getting a job hosting the reboot of Totally Wild.
Abbie goes into a wild panic, fearing that Sogand may have sabotaged her chances of lying her way to victory. Rachael is sympathetic to her concerns, or at least is keen to stir shit up for her own amusement, which is as close to sympathy as you get in the Bachelor mansion.
Abbie grabs Sogand for a private chat. Abbie demands to know what the hell. Sogand says she’d love to not have to concern herself with Abbie’s nonsense, but she was asked a question and answered. Abbie demands to know why Sogand brought it up with Kate. Sogand says that Kate asked her. Abbie complains that she has constantly tried to clarify her pathological lying, and Sogand just won’t accept it: what else does she have to do to cover up her ceaseless dishonesty?
Sogand tells Abbie that everyone is calling her a bitch behind her back. Meanwhile, behind her back, everyone is having the time of their lives eavesdropping. Abbie insists to Sogand that she’s an incredibly open person, literally can’t lie blah blah blah. We’ve heard it before.
Abbie is clearly terrified of being sent home. Sogand is sure Abbie WILL be sent home. Again, Sogand is placing faith in Matt’s judgment that isn’t even close to justified.
But let’s see. It’s rose ceremony time. Abbie is stressed. But her one trump card is Cassandra, who can’t shut up for one minute about her stupid business.
TAFKAAG shows up and says things that everyone already knows. One woman is going home tonight, condemned to eternal spinsterhood by the law of reality television. “I wish you all the very best,” TAFKAAG lies.
Matt enters, ready to test out how his idiotic rose ceremony grin looks with glasses. He surveys the women with a cold eye. You wenches been playin’ me, his face seems to say. Could be just the glasses though.
“Sogand’s not right in the head,” says Abbie in voiceover. Well, DUH – she’s on The Bachelor.
Matt gives a rose to Helena, because he can’t get enough of that Mauritian candy.
He gives a rose to Sogand, just to make Abbie feel less secure.
He gives a rose to Nikki, because he remembers how sad she looked last night.
He gives a rose to Chelsie. Wow, I’d forgotten all about her.
He gives a rose to Mary, because there’s something about her.
He gives a rose to Emma, because that little horror movie hasn’t come to a climax yet.
He gives a rose to Nichole, just to make her feel part of things.
“Last three girls was Abbie, Rachael and Cassandra, so I was like SHIIIIIIIIT!” Mary squawks. I’m going to make Mary saying “SHIIIIIT” my new ringtone.
“We;re all super excited, because finally Abbie is going home,” says Nichole in voiceover. This is a pretty clear indication that Abbie is not going home.
Matt gives a rose to Abbie, because of course he bloody did. You think he’s going to give up that sweet pool frottage just because a woman is a bit of a manipulative she-devil? Pfft.
All the other women are confused and dismayed even though they’ve known for weeks that Matt is a congenital idiot so the fact he’s acting like one can’t really be a shock to them.
He gives a rose to Rachael because, hell, I dunno – he wants to strip her for parts?
This means Cassandra is going home, which should please her really, given that all she actually seems to care about is her business. It’ll be quite a relief to get back to the shop, or the office, or the taco truck, or whatever it is.
And so, the full-frontal assault on Abbie fails, and the queen of douchebags lives to dry-hump another day. But we have to say goodbye to Cassandra, who none of us cared about even for a second.
Tune in next week, when Mary burns this mother down.
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