Previously on The Bachelor: Matt was incapable of doing anything himself so he got some woman to do it for him.
Tonight on The Bachelor: a shocking development for everyone except for people who watch the show, who already knew what was going to happen.
TAFKAAG shows up at the mansion and begs for money before telling the Bachelorettes that this week is all about “dangerous romance” – Matt will be subjecting the women to some danger in the hope that a few “accidents” will cut down on the number of rose ceremonies he has to go through.
Four women – Nichole, Mary, Rachael and Nikki – have yet to have a single date with Matt, so there’s a certain amount of tension when Elly wins her second single date. Elly acts surprised. “How predictable,” says Rachael. “Piss off,” says Mary. Rachael is basically on the money when she refers to it as “the Elly and Matt Show” – it’s so obvious that Matt favours Elly over all others that he might as well get it over with and award her third place right now.
The women make some merry jokes about whether Elly’s planned the wedding yet, and whether they should all pack their bags, and they all laugh as if they’re not serious and don’t all want to cut a bitch.
Matt is standing in a field looking thoughtful, like a man trying to remember his own phone number. He has planned – ie allowed Channel Ten to plan – a date involving fire dancing, the ancient art of accidentally burning your face off. “It’s all about getting into a dangerous situation,” says Matt, momentarily making Elly suspect he is about to propose riding bareback. Instead he leads her to some fire dancers who are dancing with fire. As you might expect from a fire dancer.
Elly and Matt are impressed by the fire dancers. “Struth almighty,” says Elly, unaware that this is not a phrase. The fire dancers, who are called Brittany and Hannah, and who Matt might be well advised to ask along to the mansion, teach Elly and Matt how to fire dance – or at least, how to hold burning sticks with a less than 90% chance of self-immolation.
Matt puts on some leather protective clothing. “I’ve never had a fetish until now,” says Elly, and indeed an idiot fetish is quite a rare thing. Elly was joking but Matt takes her seriously because whether it’s lies or jokes, he has no capacity to recognise a statement as untrue.
The training is extremely exciting unless you happen to be watching it on television, in which case all you can do is yell at the screen, pleading for something to go horribly wrong.
Speaking of horribly wrong, back at the mansion Mary and Nikki are discussing how awful living at the mansion is. Chelsie joins them and reminds them that Chelsie is still on the show. Nikki and Mary tell Chelsie the great Bachelor secret: Rachael has a crush on a man who is not Matt. Is it TAFKAAG? Stranger things have happened. Not many, but they have. Mary is distinctly unimpressed by Rachael’s behaviour. “It makes sense that Rachael’s lips are so big,” she says, “because they are full of secrets.” Mmm, yes, that’s…wait, what? Full of secrets? The hell? First “struth almighty” and now “her lips are full of secrets”? What kind of pod people are inhabiting this show?
Later that night, Matt and Elly hold some burning sticks and walk slowly around each other for a bit and seem to enjoy themselves, so who are we to question them? The editor slows the footage down and slaps on some inspirational music, to make it clear how ridiculous they look.
Later Matt and Elly sit on a couch and Matt forces Elly to eat marshmallows as a tribute to the first time they met and the fact that they are engaged. They talk long into the night about how perfect they are for each other and how they can be together as soon as Matt has finished sticking his tongue in various other women. He gives her a rose and she goes all gooey. Not necessarily in that order. “I love hearing you laugh,” says Matt. “I can’t not laugh.” So he finds her comical, does he? Rude.
“Elly embodies all these incredible qualities I’m looking for in a partner,” says Matt, referring to the fact that she is both white and willing to accept his seed. If he doesn’t pick Elly at the end of the series it just proves this show is a lie. If he does pick Elly, it’s still a lie, but at least they’re making some effort to hide it.
“It’s a little bit scary how quickly I’m developing feelings for you, because I’m not someone who usually falls hard and fast,” says Elly, having learned by heart the lines that everyone on The Bachelor says. “I might be in a bit of trouble,” she adds. Ah, so they have been riding bareback.
At the mansion, Abbie and Rachael have a discussion about the skank lifestyle and how to make the most of their natural douchiness. Rachael tells Abbie that she is pursuing a member of the crew and he’s just dreamy. She refers to the crew member as “Plan B”, and she considers him a more realistic goal than Matt, because the crew member doesn’t know her.
While they’re having quality bitch time, Mary and Nikki are discussing the best way to destroy Rachael.”I would be pissed off if I went home and she stayed,” says Mary. “She has a Plan B!” Mary has no Plan B: if she doesn’t marry Matt she will have to go back to prison. Nikki advises Mary to tell Matt the truth at the next cocktail party. Nikki would do it herself, but she has volleyball practice tonight.
It’s time for the group date. Sogand, Kristin, Nichole, Helena and Chelsie have been invited along to help Matt manifest an awkward metaphor. By a deserted beach, TAFKAAG explains that they have to write down fears that hold them back from relationships, stick it on an actual suitcase, and then throw it away. You see: getting rid of emotional baggage via the medium of ACTUAL baggage? See what they did there? IS THAT NOT CLEVER?????????????
For his emotional baggage, Matt writes down “Fear of heartbreak”, because the producers wouldn’t let him write “black people”. Helena finds his fear of heartbreak endearing, because she gains sustenance from human weakness.
Nichole has written “fear of ending up with someone who doesn’t push me out of my comfort zone”, being a massive suck. It could be worse: if Abbie had come on this date she would’ve written, “fear of being too beautiful” or “worried in case he hates how great in bed I am”.
Chelsie writes “trust”, because she’s just that boring. Kristin writes “Self-doubt”, having struggled with whether to admit that what she really fears is meeting a man who finds interminable conversations about China boring. Sogand writes something, but it’s not worth televising apparently.
TAFKAAG then reveals that they won’t just be ridding themselves of emotional baggage: they will also be jumping out of a plane. And look: why the hell not, I guess. Matt needs to find some way to kill these women, this seems as good as any.
Four women are excited to be going skydiving. One woman is not. Kristin is terrified of jumping out of planes, which marks her as the only rational person present, because jumping out of a plane is an objectively terrible idea.
“How are you feeling?” Matt asks, pretending to care. “I’m fine,” Kristin lies. He can tell she’s not fine, due to his finely-tuned emotional antennae: he can always tell when a woman who is sobbing and quivering in terror in front of him is feeling slightly nervous.
The plane takes off. Matt hopes to convince Kristin to overcome her fear of hurling herself into the empty air at a great height, as he believes it will be good for her and even if it isn’t it will be quite funny. Seeing all the attention Matt is lavishing on Kristin, Helena considers pretending to be scared, but she simply cannot bring herself to be dishonest: her love of aerial suicide is too strong.
Chelsie jumps. Sogand jumps. Nichole jumps. Helena jumps. None of them hesitate, because life in the Bachelor mansion causes death to lose its sting. But Kristin is still terrified, and/or smart enough to realise how acting terrified will benefit her in the game. Also she’s strapped to a man who doesn’t talk but who does look pretty smug, which is not what you want in the guy you’re jumping out of a plane with. And Matt is making her go first, which seems mean.
Kristin doesn’t think she can do it, but then amazingly she does, so there you go. Good on you, Kristin. Her reward is a rose, obviously: the other women kick themselves that they didn’t pretend to be scared. Nobody gets a rose for WANTING to jump out of a plane. “I don’t know if I could’ve done it without Matt,” she says, which is true, in the sense that without Matt she wouldn’t have ever even considered doing it. Might as well say she couldn’t have done it without the Wright Brothers.
Matt observes that Kristin didn’t want to do it but did it anyway. “That approach to life is something I find incredibly attractive,” he says – nothing to him is sexier than a woman who does something she hates to please him.
It’s cocktail party time. Rachael looks around for Plan B so she can rub up against him a bit. The other women sit and talk about how disgusting Rachael’s behaviour is. Pretending to be interested in someone while actually being attracted to a different person? Who the hell does she think she is: Matt?
Matt arrives and asks Abbie for a chat. “Love the dress,” he enthuses, having noticed that you can see her boobs. Meanwhile Rachael has written her contact details on a piece of paper and is heading off into the wilderness to find Plan B and slip him something. Also possibly to find the llama.
Mary is incandescent with rage and also pretty happy, because she’s about to drop Rachael in the septic tank. Having had a deep and meaningful dry-hump with Abbie, Matt asks Mary for a one-on-one discussion. Isn’t that a coincidence? Just when Mary has a major revelation to make to him, he asks to talk to her! Amazing! You couldn’t have planned it better if you’d been a producer and specifically instructed him to go talk to Mary.
Mary explains that Rachael has been chasing the gaffer or the dolly grip or whatever, and Matt is blown away. He can’t believe that someone besides himself has been pursuing multiple relationships. When a producer shows him the note that was found in a crew member’s pocket, he sets out into the darkness to find Rachael and tell her to shove her lips where the sun don’t shine. It’s the dishonesty that irks him. “I was under no disillusion that not everyone’s gonna be into me,” he says, inadvertently revealing that he doesn’t know what “disillusion” means.
Rachael is standing in the garden talking to the camera about how she plans to hook up with the best boy after she leaves the mansion, and that she doesn’t feel bad at all that women who actually like Matt have gone home before her. She doesn’t give a rationale for not feeling bad about this: she just doesn’t feel bad, because she doesn’t possess the gene for guilt.
Matt appears, causing Rachael to jump and swear. He asks her what the hell is up with Plan B. Rachael tells him that it’s just a joke that she and the other girls have. Dude, why even bother? If “it was a joke” didn’t work for Monique calling him a c***, why do you think it’ll work for you literally giving another man your number? And if you don’t even like Matt – and look, we all understand where you’re coming from there – why are you even trying to stay?
Nevertheless, Rachael is furious at the Bachelorettes for stabbing her in the back and ruining her chances of ending up with the man she has no desire to end up with. “You fucken dogs,” she says as she gets into the rejection-mobile. But she’s not too upset. “I might find love with Plan B,” she says. Furthermore, “if Plan B doesn’t work out I’ve got Plan C, Plan D, Plan E…” So it’s really a happy ending for everyone, except the men of the world who are now subject to Rachael’s advances.
The women speculate on what’s happened to Rachael. “Maybe she’s riding home on the alpaca,” says Mary, which is a relief because up till now I was afraid I had been hallucinating. TAFKAAG arrives to tell them that Rachael copped it in the neck, and that one of them is about to also, as it’s rose ceremony time.
Getting rid of Rachael was easy for Matt, but this rose ceremony is tough for him, because now he has to eliminate a woman who genuinely wants to give an exclusive interview to Studio 10 with him. It all comes down to one question: which of these women is least like Elly?
He gives a rose to Abbie, because he remains dumb as an ox.
He gives a rose to Emma, because the mansion’s bunnies aren’t yet boiled.
He gives a rose to Helena, because she seems like a grown-up.
He gives a rose to Sogand, because he remembers her name.
He gives a rose to Mary, because he doesn’t want to be open about his white supremacist beliefs until after the show is over.
He gives a rose to Nichole, because sometimes it’s fun to let a fish dangle on the hook.
He gives a rose to Chelsie, because she is the blondest one left.
That means that, having not sent Nikki home because she was sad and devastated that he wouldn’t ever get to know her, he has now sent Nikki home without ever getting to know her. Maybe he just realised that he didn’t want to get to know her. Who could blame him?
Tune in next time, when Elly and Abbie compete for a job in a live sex show in Amsterdam.
The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far