Previously on The Bachelor: Matt sent home one of the last two remaining non-white women.
Tonight on The Bachelor: You won’t believe this…
It’s important, every now and then, to remind oneself of the one essential and indisputable fact about The Bachelor: everyone on it is a dreadful human being. You know this is true because if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be on The Bachelor. The reason it’s important to remind oneself of this is that sometimes an episode comes along that makes you SO ANGRY and you need to calm yourself down by saying it’s OK, it’s OK, they’re all awful, none of them deserve happiness, this BLATANT INJUSTICE doesn’t matter.
This is one of those episodes.
Anyway, it’s morning at the mansion and the llamas are grazing on the lawn, wondering when they will be turned back into humans. The Bachelorettes come downstairs to discover an enormous package. It contains the paraphernalia for a baby shower: looks like this is the episode where the women find out they are all pregnant to Matt.
Actually it’s nothing so fun. What’s happening is, two former Bachelor couples are coming to visit, and both of them are expecting babies, so the show figured it would be a fun chance to give the Bachelorettes some busy work. Matt is hoping that the visit from Sam and Snezana and Matty J and Laura will help give him a better perspective on how to waste a day. It’s also a great opportunity to screen some flashbacks to previous seasons which help pad the running time.
The ex-Bachelors and their foetus-holding partners show up at the Bachelor pad and engage in awkward banter. Sam hopes that he can help Matt relax and deal with his situation and also that he is getting paid for this crap. A conversation about the ins and outs of the Bachelor experience follows, boringly. Matt tells them that it’s great that they’re pregnant, because what he’s mainly looking for in the show is a receptacle for his mighty sperm.
The ex-Bachelors will be hanging with Matt and advising him on how to engage in a vile mockery of human affection while staying centred. Their women will be meeting with the Bachelorettes and sussing out which ones are filthy liars. They will select one Bachelorette to dine with them all that night.
TAFKAAG comes to the mansion and tells the women that they will be meeting Snezana and Laura. The women squeal like stuck pigs, incredibly excited to be meeting what, for them, count as celebrities. Emma is especially excited as she knows Snez and Laura will have good advice on how to steal bodily fluids from the man you want.
Snez and Laura meet Kristin and question her on just why the hell she is still here. Kristin tells them that she’s started a business to provide an alternative approach to Chinese language education, which is a pretty unsettling way to start a conversation. She tells Snez and Laura that she hopes they will consider signing their yet-to-be-born children up to her weird Chinese course. Snez and Laura don’t know what the hell is going on.
They meet Elly and learn that Elly is The One.
They meet Chelsie and learn that she is a chemical engineer which makes it difficult for her to open up emotionally. “Everything is so perfect, I’m like what’s the catch?” Chelsie says. The catch, of course, is that Matt is terrible.
Chelsie reminds Snez of herself, in that she is on the television show “The Bachelor”. The two women advise her to grow a pair and tell Matt she wants to do him.
They meet Abbie and hear her usual spiel, about how she’s incredibly up for marriage and babies and it’s all she wants and don’t listen to those other bitches. The women suspect Abbie is just saying what they want to hear, because like everyone else on earth, they are smarter than Matt.
Meanwhile Matt, Matty J and Sam stand in the yard and re-enact the football-throwing scene from Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.
Back at the mansion, Sogand tells Snez and Laura that Abbie is a skank who needs slapping. Snez and Laura wish she would just chill.
Meanwhile, the men continue to re-enact The Room.
The women meet Helena, who strikes them as the only one of the Bachelorettes who is neither obviously fake nor clearly insane. Helena is not the sort to just say what they want to hear, and they like this. Her honesty is refreshing and her voice is mysterious and deep, so she’s the complete package.
Next, they meet Emma, and she is out of her freaking mind. They remind themselves to install extra security measures in their babies’ rooms.
The men are now in the kitchen doing something non-specific. “Have you been pashing everyone?” Sam asks. Matt plays coy, but heavily implies that yes, he has been lying to multiple women in order to cop a feel. Sam notes that The Bachelor is hard because “most guys don’t break up with 20 women in their life”. But then, most guys aren’t as gross and sleazy as these three. He notes it’s extra difficult because the women “are all friends with each other”. What? Are you shrooming? Have you seen this show, bro?
It’s the end of the day and time for Snez and Laura to select a dinner companion for Matt. Chelsie thinks it’ll be her because she has so many feelings to share with Matt. Emma thinks it’ll be her because she is out of her frigging mind. But actually it’s Helena because she’s better than them.
Matt is slightly surprised that the women have chosen Helena: he assumed they would choose Abbie so she could jack him off under the table. Still, he resolves to make the best of it. Everyone spends the whole dinner aggressively interrogating Helena on what she wants and how she feels and how quickly she is willing to accept Matt’s seed. Helena answers as honestly as she can without actually telling them all to shove their heads up their arses. She tells Matt that he’d fit in well with her family, because they’re all creepy sleazes too.
Matty J is suspicious of Helena’s youth. At 25 he wasn’t’ ready to settle down with a reality television contestant yet, so how can she be? What he misses is that though Helena is only 25, she is as jaded and cynical as a woman twice her age.
Back at the mansion, the women drink sponsored tea. Emma explains she thinks it’s a missed opportunity inviting Helena on the dinner date. They missed the opportunity to invite Emma and see the bag of Matt’s hair she’s been collecting. Emma also thinks Helena is too young and has too little life experience: unlike Emma, Helena has not been the subject of multiple restraining orders, so she doesn’t know what it’s like to have adult relationships.
Meanwhile, Sam tells Helena to tell Matt how she feels because feelings are nice. That sentence actually sums up about 95% of the conversations the ex-Bachelor people have had on this show.
The next day Matt is staring at water, wondering what it would feel like to drown. He has asked Emma on a single date, because he is basically just a cat playing with mice. “It feels like I haven’t seen in forever,” Emma says, wondering why he’s been so distant since they got married.
Matt and Emma make some chocolate together. Chocolate with “aphrodisiacs”. The aphrodisiacs are unnecessary, of course, because Emma is desperate to be impregnated and Matt will bang anything with a pulse. They spread chocolate around and grope each other and honestly it is the most nauseating thing ever to appear on Australian television.
Matt uses the chocolate thermometer to take Emma’s temperature. “You’re hotter than chocolate,” he says. “I’m taking that as a compliment,” says Emma, but it’s not a compliment. It’s just some words put together for no real reason.
They keep on spreading chocolate. They keep on groping each other. Emma keeps latching onto Matt’s face like an alien baby on John Hurt. It’s hard to believe it’s actually legal to televise this kind of filth. “I feel like literally the luckiest girl in the world,” says Emma, delusionally. The incredible cruelty of this situation is becoming more and more apparent: sooner or later Matt is going to have to break it to Emma that she is a dangerous nut who frightens him, and then Emma is going to be sad and blow up a school bus.
Matt and Emma have a picnic under a tree. “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world,” says Emma, milking her catchphrase for all she’s worth. Matt explains to Emma that he wants romance and fun, a risky declaration given how unusual it is for someone to want romance and fun. But believe it or not, Emma wants romance and fun too! Talk about kismet! “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world,” says Emma. Fucking hell, Emma.
Emma tells Matt that she hopes to have many, many children, much like a spider. She wants to start having them as soon as possible. Matt takes this to mean she’d like to have a baby soon after the end of the show, but actually she means she wants to get pregnant right now under this tree. Matt gives her a rose, just to keep her dangling a bit longer. They kiss again and everyone vomits.
It’s now cocktail party time, and it is THE WORST THING EVER. I am SHAKING WITH ANGER right now.
After Emma has come home and disturbed everyone with her creepy obsessiveness, TAFKAAG comes in and presents the women with two blank date cards. Matt is keen to discover which of the women has “initiative”, and so whichever two women seize the day and grab those cards will get some one-on-one time with Matt tonight.
Sogand grabs one card, because she is sick of this shit. Elly grabs the other, and fair enough too. She is, after all, The One.
Abbie does not like the fact that Elly grabbed the date card. Abbie believes she hasn’t had enough time with Matt and has many things to say with him, even though Abbie has had hours and hours of time with Matt and has told him everything she possibly could and also brought him to climax on several occasions.
Abbie comes to Elly and explains that Elly doesn’t deserve the card, because she, Abbie, deserves the card. She thinks it’s very selfish of Elly to want time with Matt: the selfless thing is for Abbie to want time with Matt. “I’m not taking no for an answer,” she says, but she’ll have to take no for an answer if no is the answer. And obviously no will be the answer, because Elly has the card and why on earth would she ever give the card to Abbie? How ridiculous to even imagine such a thing would happen!
Seriously. Abbie sits down and gives Elly a long stream of bullshit about how she has important things to say to Matt and she needs the card more than anyone else because she just hasn’t said all she needs to say.
And Elly GIVES HER THE CARD!
Are you KIDDING me, Elly? You goddamn IDIOT.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
Elly is a moron and frankly, she deserves to lose now. She has invited her own destruction.
So you can see now what I was saying earlier: important to remember that everyone on this show sucks, otherwise this will make a vein pop in your head.
Elly goes to the other women, who tell her she’s stupid as hell. Elly reflects and realises she’s stupid as hell. A consensus is reached: Elly is stupid as hell. Nobody has ever been as stupid as Elly. This is a landmark in the history of stupidity.
Abbie is happy as Larry: not only does she get time with Matt, she gets to make another woman deeply unhappy, which is what she does instead of eating food. Elly is shattered at the revelation that she’s dumb as a box of hammers. The other women console her while also making clear that they consider her a twit.
Matt takes Sogand off for their minor date. Sogand tells him that she feels like she hasn’t properly expressed to him how she feels. Matt tells her that she should properly express how she feels. Sogand tells Matt that after their single date she felt very strongly about him but she didn’t tell him for reasons that she would prefer to keep confidential at this stage. Matt wants to know why Sogand didn’t tell him how she felt. Sogand wants to sit in awkward silence for a bit. Sogand gets her way. After all, having taken the initiative and grabbed that card, it’d be a shame not to waste it.
Matt takes Abbie away. Abbie tells Matt how awesome it is to have a date card in her hand. She then notices how the cheese platter has changed. Abbie is incredibly excited about the new cheese. There are raspberries too! This is the greatest night of her life!
Meanwhile, Elly and Emma discuss their hatred of Abbie and Elly’s malfunctioning brain.
Abbie is still going on about the cheese. She returns to the other women and tells them about the cheese and how exciting it was to eat the cheese, and how the raspberries have changed her life. Elly is mightily pissed off: “I find it disrespectful that she’s come back and she’s waffling on about a frigging raspberry,” she says – but you reap what you bloody sow – Abbie’s bizarre raspberry monologue is on your head.
Matt shows up and gives Abbie a rose because he’s a knob. Sogand is depressed. She should be.
Rose ceremony time. Emma, Helena and Abbie have roses. Only three roses are left. One woman will go home. “I’m absolutely bricking it,” says Elly, but despite her stupidity, she should feel pretty confident because of her trump card: she’s white.
Matt gives Kristin a rose, because he is very interested in alternative methods of teaching Chinese. That’s the only possible explanation for why she’s still here.
He gives Chelsie a rose, for scientific solidarity.
And he gives Elly a rose, because DUH.
And so Sogand goes home. After declaring he wanted to see who would show initiative, and after seeing that Sogand showed initiative, Matt has rewarded Sogand’s initiative by sending her home. In the end, Sogand fought a good fight, but over the last few weeks she simply had not tried hard enough to be white, and it’s the lack of effort that Matt can’t abide.
Matt walks Sogand to her car and tells that it’s been “genuinely wonderful getting to know you. At least, getting to know that you exist. What’s your name again?” Sogand has a brilliant chance to whisper in Matt’s ear as she leaves, “Abbie is full of shit, don’t trust her”, but tonight is Stupid Night on The Bachelor, so she doesn’t.
Tune in tomorrow, when Matt declares that he will have sex with whatever woman can climb to the roof of the mansion, and Elly kneels down and tells Abbie to stand on her shoulders.
The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger