The Bachelor Australia SE07E12 Recap: Dumb And Dumber

Previously on The Bachelor: Matt re-enacted hit movie The Room with a couple of guys who were on TV once.

Tonight on The Bachelor: an idyllic scene is interrupted by how stupid this entire exercise is.

On a farm somewhere, a duck is swimming on a pond and Matt is “really excited to be spending the day with Helena”, although he is keeping his excitement well-hidden by wearing the facial expression of a man who’s trying to remember whether he shaved this morning or not.

Matt meets Helena by a river, where she stands in a casual outfit that shows off her freakishly thin legs to best advantage. A few closeups of the car’s dashboard and a quick lecture from Matt on the many wonderful features that this top-of-the-line automobile possesses, and they arrive at their destination: a really creepy art installation.

Matt has set up a big board showing a timeline of the next ten years. He wishes Helena to join him in plotting the next decade of their relationship, an extremely normal thing to do on a second date.

Helena is hesitant about this exercise, because it is batshit insane. Matt demands she tell him everything she plans for the next ten years. She finds the pressure difficult to handle. He tries a different tack, getting out a globe and telling her to point to everywhere she wants to go. Helena isn’t big on that angle either.

Helena is overwhelmed. She was willing to go on a show where she competed with twenty other women for the attentions of a man she’d never met before in front of the entire nation, but somehow The Bachelor has managed to make itself too idiotic even for its participants to handle.

Whether Matt would whip out the planning board and force his date to forecast the next ten years with him outside the reality TV format is hard to say, but we can guess that yes he probably would, because he is, without any doubt, a cooked unit.

Helena joins a producer for a heart-to-heart chat: never a good idea because the producers are only there to trap you into screwing yourself over. Just ask Rachael. But she needs someone to talk to, and God knows Matt’s not the person for it, given that it seems impossible to talk to him without being forced to set a date for the birth of your first set of triplets or commit to buying funeral insurance.

Helena confides in the producer that she’s just realised that this is a dumb show that makes no sense and she hates it, and she has to get out of there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Elly is wearing glasses, and Emma is bitching about another woman. She tells Chelsie and Elly that Helena is a terrible fit for Matt because she isn’t willing to make a commitment or cut herself to prove her love. Elly and Chelsie demonstrate their kind and tolerant natures by listening to Emma’s weird accent without getting violent.

A shock development suddenly reveals itself as we discover that Matt and Helena’s date isn’t over. I assumed she’d fled into the woods, but she has apparently come back to give this knobend another chance. The second part of the date does not involve globes or disturbing attempts at psychological control, instead featuring a giant full moon and a copper bathtub – Matt knows he does his best work in water.

Matt wants to know how Helena feels about him. “Creeped out” is the answer, but the bathtub seems to be helping. Helena confesses that the situation she finds herself in is weird and awful. “I’ve never had my heart broken,” she tells Matt, managing to make it sound like a threat. Matt tells her that he’s not sure where he stands with her, and that’s terrible because they have spent upwards of an hour and a half together by now so why the hell isn’t she ready to get married?

Helena pulls the right rein, telling Matt she thinks she “could fall in love” with him. That’s what they all say, and it’s never clear exactly what they mean. I mean, I COULD fall in love with Bronwyn Bishop. If it’s all about theoreticals. Anyway Matt gives Helena a rose because even if she’s a little hesitant at least she’s not Kristin.

Next day at the mansion Elly tells Emma that she is angry at herself for giving Abbie the date card last episode – as she frigging well should be – and angry at Abbie for being an ungrateful lying hideous little shrew. Emma admits that she too suspects that Abbie is not here for the right reasons – taking possession of Matt’s precious bodily fluids – and she is going to tell Matt.

It’s time for a group date, or to put it another way, it’s time for another idiotic PE class on acid.

TAFKAAG explains to the women that art is an emotional thing and important in many ways and a lot of other dumb stuff and the upshot is that they are going to do an art class and then paint a self-portrait. But not just any self-portrait: they have to paint themselves as a drag queen. And there is a drag queen there to help them, because being a drag queen allows the expression of different sides of your personality and blah blah blah.

Frankly this group date has too many moving parts. They should’ve just played indoor cricket.

The challenge starts, and Abbies immediately sits next to Matt. This irritates Elly, and that’s understandable, but honestly, Elly, for once in your life grow a freaking backbone. Sit next to him yourself! The only reason Abbie keeps grabbing the initiative is that everyone else lets her.

They all begin painting. Abbie and Matt begin to banter and giggle with each other and everyone else starts discreetly vomiting in their handbags. Abbie’s behaviour is, as usual, completely transparent, and Matt is, as usual, completely oblivious.

As the date proceeds, one thing becomes clear: nobody can paint. And then another thing becomes clear: this is pointless. There’s an art teacher and a drag queen and everyone is drinking wine and Chelsie is panicking and Abbie is practically shoving her hand down Matt’s pants and it’s all a bit too much.

It’s especially too much for Chelsie, who has to take a moment for a deep and meaningful conversation with the drag queen, who advises her to own her incompetence. Chelsie is inspired by the motivational techniques of this stranger in clown makeup, and opens up about her previous unhappy relationship. “I think Matt deserves to see a beautiful, gorgeous, confident woman,” says the drag queen, but this is a bit much – Matt constantly gets to see those, and he’s done nothing to deserve it at all.

It’s time for everyone to unveil their portraits. They are all dreadful, but the variety of the cast is shown by the fact they are all dreadful in different ways. Elly’s, for example, is baffling, while Abbie’s is terrifying, and Kristin went for boring, while Helena’s is just pathetic. Chelsie, meanwhile, has, on the drag queen’s advice, embraced her inner mediocre nothingness. Emma’s is unremarkable except for the fact that all her paints were sourced from her own body.

Matt decides that the winner of the dumb paint challenge is Chelsie, because she showed a side of herself that he hadn’t seen before, ie the talentless artist side. Elly is pissed off that she didn’t get the chance to tell Matt how much Abbie sucks. Abbie is pissed off that she didn’t get the chance to show Matt how well she sucks.

Matt and Abbie sit on a couch amid candles, just for a change. The one-on-one time with Chelsie is every bit as tedious as the phrase “one-on-one time with Chelsie” sounds. They talk about painting and feelings. Chelsie has strong feelings for Matt. Matt has strong feelings in his pants. And so forth. “I can see myself falling in love with you,” says Chelsie, following Bachelor tradition by not explaining what the hell that means any more than Helena did.

Matt gives Chelsie a rose because he’s pretty sure he’s in there.

It’s time for the cocktail party, and everyone is extremely tense. They all want to talk to Matt, and they all want to slit Abbie’s throat. Abbie tells the other women that she will be talking to Matt tonight, and that she doesn’t think that he’ll talk to everyone. He’ll probably just talk to Abbie, because he really likes Abbie and talking to Abbie is super important.

Emma says that Elly should be allowed to speak to Matt first because she’s been wanting to for a while now. Abbie is deeply upset, because after demanding that Elly give her the date card in the last episode and insisting that she go before everyone else every single time, she resents the way Elly is “always trying to put herself first”.

JESUS CHRIST.

Abbie tells the camera that she thinks it’s fine to be selfish at this point of the competition, which is why she’s disgusted at how selfish Elly is being. Then Matt shows up at the cocktail party and Abbie takes Matt away for a chat even though everyone had agreed that Elly would go first. Consensus is reached among the other Bachelorettes, and that consensus is: Fuck Abbie.

Emma is furious at Abbie, to the point where she momentarily casts aside her unsettling obsession and sticks up for her fellow Matt-chaser in Elly. She urges Elly to interrupt Abbie and Matt and break their cosy little chat up. And praise the lord, Elly found her spine, and she does just that.

“Matt, can I talk to you about something important?” Elly asks, and Abbie looks nervous. She knows what something important is: it’s a story about a real stone-cold bitch. Everyone smiles happily at each other and doesn’t pull knives or anything.

Matt agrees to talk with Elly, on another couch. Elly tells him she has something she’s been wanting to share with him. “What I need you to know is that I really like you,” she begins: strong opening. “I’m a person you can rely on, and I’m a very protective person,” she goes on. Yes, yes, get to the point.

Ah, here it is. “I don’t think Abbie has the most pure intentions,” she tells Matt, which is literally the most polite way anyone could describe Abbie.

Matt finds it interesting that Elly thinks Abbie isn’t there for the right reasons, because that’s also what everyone else thinks. So he has a lot to think about: is the bleeding obvious true? Is what is staring him right in the face accurate? Is he a big grinning imbecile?

Emma gently chides Abbie for snatching Matt away ahead of Elly. Abbie doesn’t give a shit. “I don’t really feel bad,” she says, which is a neat summation of her entire life philosophy.

Abbie sits down to talk with Elly. Elly admits she thinks it would’ve been nice if Abbie had let her see Matt first, after she gave up the date card last time. She tells Abbie that stomping all over people isn’t a good look. Kristin shyly suggests that maybe after Elly gave up her time with Matt for Abbie, it might’ve been nice for Abbie to return the favour. Abbie continues to not give a shit. “I’m here for Matt,” she repeats over and over again, having not considered the possibility that if she acts like a bitch to everyone else, Matt might end up finding out about it. It is on camera after all.

Rose ceremony time. Elly is down in the dumps because Abbie sucks. Abbie is irritated because Elly exists. TAFKAAG shows up and lets them know that someone is going home to cry into their New Idea tonight. Kristin is worried it might be her because Matt has no interest in her whatsoever.

Matt gives a rose to Emma because we’re riding that train all the way to the end of the line.

He gives a rose to Elly because obviously.

Matt now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Abbie is a dodgy character who should be sent home. Accordingly, he gives her a rose.

Matt is the stupidest man alive. That is all.

This means that Kristin has to leave, and Matt will never complete his Mandarin training. Kristin is devastated, as she truly believed that she had what it took to stand around in the background of a TV show for a few more days.

Tune in next week, when Matt continues to be a complete halfwit.

The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger
The Bachelor Australia SE07E11 Recap: Dinner For Schmucks

Read previous Bachelor recaps here.