Previously on The Bachelor: Abbie continued to be awful, and the slightly less awful other women continued to try to convince Matt that Abbie was awful, and Matt continued to not be convinced, in the best possible proof that The Bachelor is a game designed to demonstrate that the better someone is at playing it, the worse a human being they are.
Tonight on The Bachelor: I’m so very tired.
After the last rose ceremony, the women sit around and act fake at each other. Elly claims everyone is shocked that Kristin is gone, which is a clear lie: every day when the women woke up they were shocked Kristin was still there. Abbie, being a born detective, notes that Elly dislikes her, which she describes as “upsetting”, another lie as Abbie is incapable of being upset by anyone without a penis.
TAFKAAG pops in to tell them that it is nearly time for Hometowns, that special time of the series when the women’s families bite their lips and try not to describe the living hell that they have been unwillingly forced into. He also leaves them a card for the final group date. Elly loves group dates because she’s a people person. Abbie hates group dates because whenever she goes on one Matt acts like women other than her exist.
This group date involves a strange woman. Her name is Dr Nikki Goldstein, and she is a sexologist, a profession she entered after she was found to be unemployable by an expert panel. Abbie says she’s excited because she wants to be a sexologist, in case we weren’t entirely sure yet whether Abbie was the absolute goddamn worst.
Dr Goldstein tells the women that the first part of today’s date will involve hugging, and uses the word “oxytocin” in order to keep up the “I’m a real doctor” pretence.
“I’ve done a bit of hugging in my time,” says Chelsie, boring as ever. Meanwhile Emma is as excited to hug Matt as she was previously to kiss Matt, or share a meal with Matt, or steal Matt’s underpants.
Matt is blindfolded so he won’t know who he’s hugging, because after all this time apparently he has no idea how tall or thin any of the women are. The first Bachelorette he hugs is Helena. “I felt something,” she says, and what she felt was something hard and insistent jabbing her in the hip.
Abbie hates watching Matt hug other women, so now she knows how we feel watching her. Chelsie’s hug passes quickly because it’s as boring as she is. Emma hugs Matt in the way you might imagine a spider would hug its eggs.
Elly hugs Matt in a very passionate and loving way. Of course she does. Elly is basically a hug in human form. Abbie assures herself that the chemistry between Matt and Elly is not sexual, but “emotional”. Like she’s his sister or something I guess.
Abbie goes last, and even though it’s a hugging challenge, she gropes him like she’s in Amsterdam. Dr Goldstein uses her comprehensive medical training to identify that this is somewhat sexual.
TAFKAAG asks Matt which hug he liked the best. Matt selects number four, which was Elly, which is great because it makes Abbie unhappy. “I’m a little bit surprised because I don’t see a spark between Matt and Elly,” she says. Abbie wouldn’t see a spark between Matt and another woman if they were rolling on the ground screaming for someone to beat the flames out.
The next part of the date is Matt staring into the women’s eyes. Chelsie is incredibly good at this task because it is a boring one. Emma notes that Matt has chemistry with everyone, but he has more chemistry with her because their relationship is deeper and more obsessive and based on a mutual love of stupid accents.
“It seems like she’s having a conversation with her eyes,” says Dr Goldstein as Matt and Emma stare at each other. The doctor’s presence continues to be devoid of value.
Helena comes out, looks at Matt, and goes away.
Elly and Matt stare. Elly tries to convey how strong her feelings for Matt are. Abbie declares that she sees no spark between them. “I can do better than that,” she says, but it’s going to be difficult, because in this task she’s not allowed to shove her hand down his pants.
Abbie sits in front of Matt, bats her eyes, bites her lip, and basically gives him an ocular lap dance. All the other women are scandalised by what a freaking ho she is. They’re extremely worried that Abbie’s act will win Matt over, because Matt might be thinking with his dick. He’s certainly not thinking with anything else.
It is time for Matt to decide which woman is the best at hugging and looking at him. He picks Elly. Abbie immediately begins suffering in her jocks. “I’m shocked…I just don’t see the chemistry,” says Abbie, lying out of habit. “I’m feeling quite defeated,” she says, to cheers around the nation.
Elly’s victory means one-on-one time with Matt, and just for a change, they sit on a couch surrounded by candles. Fresh. She tells him that she gets a little bit choked up around him “in a good way”. Will Matt pick up on her subtle hints that she enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation? In an extremely roundabout way, Elly suggests that she might want to spend the rest of her life with Matt. Seems a bit much: the rest of her life is a really, really long time. Matt admits that his feelings have also grown, particularly his pants feelings.
But it’s now time for Elly to ruin the mood by bringing up Abbie. She continues to worry that Abbie is there for the wrong reasons, the wrong reasons being a desire to win The Bachelor. “She just wants to be famous on social media,” Elly avers, though to be fair, who doesn’t?
Matt doesn’t like Elly bringing up Abbie all the time. “This sounds like ‘I think this’,” he says, and he is not here to find a woman who thinks things – and even worse, says them. “Now I need to find out the truth,” he declares. He won’t like it when he does: the truth is that he’s a dick and everyone on the show is scum.
The next morning Elly expresses sympathy for the other women regarding how sad they are that Matt likes Elly better than them. It seems unfair that Matt likes a woman more than them for no other reason than that she is more likeable.
Anyway, Abbie is going to get a single date so that Matt can ask Abbie whether it’s true that she sucks, and then once again accept whatever she says. The single date will involve Matt and Abbie pretending to move in to a house together, which is a weird idea for a date but by the standards of this show could not be more ordinary.
Elly is glad that Abbie got the single date because she thinks Matt will use the opportunity to find out the truth about Abbie. This is pretty naive on Elly’s part, because it’s more likely that Matt will use this date to do what he does every time he’s with Abbie: stain his jeans.
Abbie is incredibly impressed that Matt can drive a truck and that he has arms and legs and can tie his shoes. They arrive at the fake home into which they will be fake moving. “Even though we’re pretending to move in, it feels like something that could happen one day,” says Abbie in a cutaway that has no purpose. Matt suggests setting up the bedroom. Abbie hopes this means she’s about to get penetrated.
Back at the mansion all the women are dumb enough to think this single date will result in Matt seeing Abbie for who she really is. If it hasn’t happened by now, girls, it’s time to recognise that this man is dead from the neck up. “If there are people in here who don’t have feelings for Matt, that’s going to be disastrous if they end up together,” says Emma. This is a bit of an exaggeration: Matt’s just going to be really sad, and that’s not “disastrous”. To be honest it’d be pretty funny.
At the fake house, Abbie crawls inside a doona cover to show off her playful side and hopefully get Matt to jump her. They lie on the bed together and Abbie gropes him again. “I think letting Matt know how bad I am at making the bed worked out well for me because I got to kiss him,” she says. Yes, that sentence was said on a real television show. Then, “I’m slightly humping him,” she goes on, frustrated that she remains untainted by his fluids at this stage.
“I think the doona was a clever move by you,” Matt giggles, but he’s wrong: it wasn’t clever.
Matt is eager to bang Abbie as soon as possible, but he can’t yet because it’s time to sit on a couch. He needs to know whether she’s a big fat liar, so he’s decided to ask her if she is one, knowing that she’s sure to tell him the truth. He asks her whether it’s true that she’s on the show to build a social media profile. “Yes of course I bloody am,” Abbie’s facial expression screams loudly at him. Sadly, her mouth says something quite different.
“This is ridiculous – I thought we were past backstabbing each other to get a chance with Matt,” says Abbie, in the funniest line of the series so far. Abbie bitching about other women stabbing her in the back is like Daryl Somers accusing someone else of being stuck in the past.
“I’m heartbroken,” Abbie lies to Matt. “I have real feelings for you,” Abbie lies to Matt. “I don’t even want to be involved in Instagram,” Abbie lies to Matt. “I can see a real future with you,” Abbie says, which is true, it’s just that the future mainly involves them being photographed together on red carpets.
Abbie is sick of the other women trying to get Matt to dislike her, and has identified Elly as the one who has been poisoning the well. Outraged that Elly is acting, basically, exactly like Abbie, she snarls, “Don’t fuck with my man.”
It’s cocktail party time. Elly is nervous that Abbie will come back to the mansion upset, which is like being nervous that the sun will come up tomorrow, because sister, it is coming. Emma reassures her that she did the right thing in telling Matt. Come to think of it, Emma’s been pretty cagey this whole time. She keeps urging other women to snitch to Matt and keeps her own hands clean.
Abbie and Matt arrive back at the mansion, Abbie looking joyous and tricking Elly into thinking she must not know what she said to Matt. “I’m not going to give her the joy of knowing she ruined my date,” Abbie says. “Elly is so fake,” she adds, knocking off the previous statement as funniest line of the series.
Matt takes Helena away for a chat that isn’t worth televising, while Abbie tells Chelsie that Elly’s been tattling on her. Chelsie does an amazing impression of a woman who gives a shit. Inside, Emma tells Elly that she thinks Matt didn’t say anything, which is either incredibly naive or Emma playing the long game again.
Abbie has declared that she has no intention of talking to Elly, but Elly for reasons unfathomable to any rational person wants to talk to her. She takes Abbie aside and tells her that she bitched to Matt about her. “I don’t want to have this conversation, because it’s going to make me quite upset,” she says. Elly tells her that some of the things Abbie has said in the house have made her question her intentions. Abbie repeats that she doesn’t want to have this conversation. “I am disgusted by Elly,” she tells the camera – again, now knowing how we feel watching her – vowing that if they both survive the rose ceremony she will no longer have any contact with her.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and probably for Matt to send Helena home because he’s a dumbass. Elly is confident about her connection with Matt. Abbie believes Elly is trying to sabotage her because she feels threatened. Meanwhile, Emma says, “I want a rose like you would not believe.” We would, Emma. Seriously. We would.
TAFKAAG arrives to blather a bit about hometowns and how important they are and how one of them is about to have her life ruined.
Matt comes in, warming up his facial muscles to make sure his grin is at its most moronic.
Matt gives a rose to Helena, which is a bit of a bloody turn-up. Maybe this rose ceremony will be more exciting than we thought…
He gives a rose to Abbie, because he’s still, deep down, a frigging idiot.
Elly is now in a state of panic. Has Matt decided that snitches do, indeed, get stitches?
Matt gives a rose to Chelsie because, I dunno, he wants to borrow her test tube or something.
So it’s between Emma and Elly: will he pick the one who is obviously the best, or the one who is obviously one rejection away from a shooting spree? He gives the last rose to…
You absolute DICKHEAD.
He’s sending Elly home. He’s sending ELLY home. If there were any doubt that Matt is a knobend of the highest order, it has now been dispelled. May sadness and catastrophe blight your life, Matt, you bloody peanut.
Elly is in tears. She kisses Matt goodbye even though she should actually kick him square in the nuts. The other women are shocked: even they didn’t know how dumb Matt is.
Matt takes Elly outside and tells her that it’s been an incredibly hard decision for him. “I have to make a decision based on the strength of connections,” he tells her, the woman with whom he clearly had the strongest connection. Elly tells him she hopes he’s happy at the end of this, by which she means he hopes he dies in a ditch.
Inside the house Abbie tells the others that she thinks Matt kicked Elly out because he believes her, Abbie, over Elly. The others gutlessly stay quiet.
“I wish you all the best,” says Matt, the massive creep.
As she rides away, Elly is shattered. “What the fuck?” she demands to know. Took the words right out of my mouth, Elly. “I stand by what I said,” she goes on. We all do, Elly. Screw that guy.
Tune in tomorrow, when Matt visits Abbie’s family at their home in Hell, and Helena has a meltdown that we’re supposed to think will result in her walking out but won’t because if it did we wouldn’t be seeing it on the promo.
The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger
The Bachelor Australia SE07E11 Recap: Dinner For Schmucks
The Bachelor Australia SE07E12: Dumb And Dumber