Previously on The Bachelor: Matt proved himself undeserving of happiness.
Tonight on The Bachelor: the hot flush of shame burns the cheeks of the nation.
It’s Hometown Night, which means the Bachelorettes’ families get to fully experience the grotesque mockery of all ideas of love and romance that their loved one has decided to put herself through for an opportunity at celebrity. Matt will meet the families of each of his poorly-selected top four in turn, and they will swallow the vomit rising in their mouths and smile at him as if his presence does not make them weep inwardly for the travesty of humanity their lives have become.
So it’ll be fun.
The first Hometown is Abbie’s. Apparently Abbie’s hometown is a luxury hotel, because that’s where they meet. Before meeting her family, Matt desires some mutual masturbation in a pool, so they hop in and get each other off, before hopping out and getting massages. Or rather, getting a couple of masseuses to stand awkwardly behind them while they get each other off again. Throughout the entire exercise Abbie has her bikini bottoms wedged far enough up her arse crack to risk major infection.
After the soft porn, it’s time to meet Abbie’s family. Abbie’s mother is just like Abbie, except older and leatherier. She makes it clear from the outset that she wants Matt for herself. There’s also Uncle Rob, who greets Matt by telling him how attractive he is. It would seem that wanting to bang Matt runs in Abbie’s family.
The family have great fun lunching with Matt and keeping schtum about Abbie’s Instagram account. Her mother takes Matt aside for a chat. Matt asks her if it’s true that Abbie totally wants to pop out some babies as quickly as possible. Mum, who has been well coached, says yes of course she does, she has been saying ever since she was a little girl that although she doesn’t ever want children, if an astrophysicist on television asked her to have some, she would do immediately.
Then Uncle Rob asks Matt for a chat, and starts with one simple question: “What makes you so special?” It’s a good question and one which the entire viewership has been asking since episode one. Matt admits that there is nothing special about him and he is basically a very ordinary and unremarkable person. Uncle Rob is impressed by this, as he believes that his niece does not deserve anyone special, and he is confident that Matt can provide Abbie with the dull, uneventful life that he has always wanted for her.
Matt and Abbie part company after another quick fluid exchange.
The next Hometown is Chelsie’s. Chelsie’s family is as interesting as she is, which is bad news for us all. Chelsie has an extremely protective sister who strongly suspects that Matt is just like all the others who keep prancing into Chelsie’s life and breaking her heart. Matt explains that he likes Chelsie because despite the impression she gives every time she opens her mouth, she is extremely intelligent and she knows big words and stuff. Chelsie’s family seems satisfied with this as honestly they just want to offload her any way they can. After a quick call to Uncle Rob to confirm that Matt is, indeed, nothing special, they give him the seal of approval, although Chelsie’s sister is still concerned because she knows Chelsie has a history of being a right twit.
Matt and Chelsie part company after agreeing to never do anything entertaining.
Next is Emma, who early on in the Hometown reveals the stunning truth about herself: she is Irish.
Really? Irish? I have never heard an Irish person who sounds like that. She must be from a very remote part of Ireland where everyone is crazed with lack of human contact.
Anyway, Emma’s family are all in Ireland, and after she called and asked if they’d come to Australia to participate in the dating show she’s on, they laughed and hung up. So no blood relatives will be joining the fun today. Instead, she will be introducing Matt to her strange blonde friend and her mute husband. But before that, Emma lives up to expectations by doing something incredibly odd and dumb.
After meeting Matt by the water, Emma gestures to a mobile dog wash coming up the street, and introduces Matt to her two dogs, both of whom are praying that she never does find love, because they know their free ride is over the second Emma gets some real babies. Matt refers to the dogs as Emma’s fur babies, and you know that’s how Emma refers to them too. You just know. She calls them that on social media. She takes them to parties where it’s totally inappropriate to take pets and whenever someone mentions it she gets angry and screams that everyone else gets to bring THEIR children and she storms out and buys ice cream that she forces the dogs to eat.
That’s what she does.
After meeting the dogs, things get even more unsettling when Matt meets Emma’s blonde friend, a New Zealander who met Emma at the Annoying Accent Club. She knows that Emma falls in love very quickly and is concerned that maybe that has happened in this case. She knows all the signs, ie that Emma is in the same room as a man. While Matt explains that he and Emma have really hit it off and he considers her quite an amiable acquaintance, Emma describes their wedding and shows the others the itinerary for the round-the-world trip they’re leaving for the next day. Just as she begins knitting a hat for their baby, Matt has to leave.
Matt confides in the viewer that he is afraid that Emma’s feelings are way ahead of his own, because he only learnt Emma’s name this morning, while Emma has already carved a picture of his face into her thigh with a compass. Emma says goodbye, and reminds him to hurry back because they are going househunting tomorrow.
Finally, Matt comes to Helena’s Hometown, an eerie place that is exactly like the world we live in except that everyone there has an innate congenital dislike of Matt. Apart from Helena’s mother, who finds him quite engaging and in any case is sick of her daughter’s pussyfooting around and wishes she’d just get laid already.
Helena also has a protective sister, Ali, and by “protective” I mean “opposed to Helena forming a relationship with anyone ever and quite willing to commit acts of violence to prevent it”. She greets Matt with a smile and a determination to end him.
Matt also meets Helena’s father, who the family call “Boris” because he resembles a member of the Russian Mafia. Why the Russian Mafia, Helena does not explain. I mean he’s not Russian, so why couldn’t he be a member of the regular Mafia? Anyway, he’s not really like a Russian Mafia guy, because he has a South African accent, so he’s more like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2. Also, he looks a lot like Gene Hackman, and if you don’t think it’d be intimidating meeting Gene Hackman while trying to date his daughter, you have never seen a movie with Gene Hackman. Now imagine if Gene Hackman was the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2. Terrifying.
Matt decides that dads like footy, so he decides to break the ice with Boris by bringing up the subject of footy, which he does by saying the word “footy” and waiting. After a long wait, Boris replies by telling Matt that he’s more into rugby union. It’s all in the subtext though: when he says, “I’m more into rugby union”, you can tell what he means is “I am already fantasising about cutting you into pieces in my bath”.
Meanwhile Helena discusses Matt with her mother and Ali. Her mother likes Matt, but Ali sounds a note of caution by observing that Matt is a man, and should therefore be exterminated.
The family sit down to a nice dinner, which goes well – Boris even smiles as he reminisces about his days as a Thompson gunner in the Congo – until Matt makes a fatal mistake. Discussing their first meeting on the red carpet, he says he doesn’t think Helena spoke French on that occasion.
Helena is shocked. “I spoke French THE WHOLE TIME!” she wails, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but sure, yeah, she did speak a bit of French. She cannot believe that Matt has forgotten that she spoke French. She goes outside with mum and Ali to burst into tears. She thinks Matt’s failure to remember her bilingual abilities demonstrates that he thinks she is “nothing”. This seems to ignore the fact that she is in the final four women who he has specifically selected over all the others, including Elly who was frankly much lower maintenance.
Helena’s mother tells her that her reaction shows that she cares very deeply about Matt and that she shouldn’t let a silly little thing like this stand in her way. Ali tells her that she should let a silly little thing stand in her way, and any man who forgets that you spoke French is a cad and a bounder and probably some kind of international drug smuggler.
It is the end of the evening. Matt says goodbye to Helena’s family, and goes outside to say goodbye to Helena. Helena tells him that if he can’t remember that she spoke French, he can just go to Hell, and that their relationship ends right here. Matt, who is, broadly speaking, a normal sane person, is incredibly confused. Helena goes inside, leaving him to wander around the street for what seems like about an hour while crew members stand around awkwardly wondering when they can go to the pub.
Inside the house, Ali consoles Helena and assures she made the right choice, because the most important thing in any relationship is trust and also making a big deal out of objectively unimportant bullshit. Helena agrees: she just cannot be with a man who would forget her speaking French once.
Outside, Matt gets in the car, then gets out. He looks around for a boombox and a Peter Gabriel cassette, but not finding any handy, he simply knocks on the door and asks Helena for a heart to heart.
Sitting down, Matt tells Helena that he’s sorry he forgot she spoke French, and that he really really wants her to stay in the competition so he can dump her in a few days’ time. Helena, momentarily isolated from the relationship kryptonite that is her sister, smiles, and realises that if he is trying this hard to keep her around, he must have real feelings for her or else just be a bit mental. She tells him that hearing him say he didn’t think she spoke French on the red carpet was “like a red flag to a bull”, which is an incorrect idiom and makes no sense in this context, but anyway. She says she will stay around because he’s pretty cute.
Matt, overjoyed, says his goodbyes and walks out in the street to tell the camera how happy he is that Helena is staying. Inside the house, Helena tells the camera that she’s made a terrible mistake, and interrupts Matt’s to-camera piece to tell him, “I can’t do this”. She doesn’t specify what “this” is, but one thing it isn’t is causing unnecessary drama over nothing, because she can definitely do that.
To be fair to Helena, The Bachelor is a terrible idea and maybe she’s starting to realise that. She tells Matt she has to leave because it’s all too hard and her father has put a hit out on him. Matt takes her by the arms and tells her that he needs her in his life, because none of the other Bachelorettes look that good in shorts. He asks her, “what do you want?” She replies, “I want you”, but she’s still not sure whether the best way to get him is to stay around and try. Maybe the best way to get him is to never see him again.
She agrees that she wants to keep going, but is non-committal on the question of whether she’s going to show up in Sydney for the next rose ceremony. Matt is exhausted and confused, and the crewmen have started drinking.
It’s rose ceremony time. Abbie, Emma and Chelsie are there, wondering whether Helena is going to show up. It seems like maybe she’s decided to stay home after all. Then, after forty minutes of waiting outside, the producer tells Helena she can go in now, and she joins the others. TAFKAAG shows up to earn his fee for the week, and introduces Matt.
Instantly Helena asks Matt if she can have a word with him outside, and we’re all like oh god here we go again. She takes him into the garden and the other three gape in shock. Emma is disgusted that this has happened. “I’m sorry but that is not OK,” she says about eighteen times. She is sure that Helena is illicitly talking Matt into choosing her, and considers this very dirty pool. Helena had her chance in her Hometown to talk him round, this is pencils-down time.
Helena is in fact only saying sorry for all the drama and thanks for having her there. What Emma doesn’t know is that if Matt hadn’t already made up his mind to give Helena a rose, he’d hardly have gone to all the trouble of talking her out of quitting twice.
Helena comes back in. Emma is salty as hell and is displaying a face of savage anger we haven’t seen on her before. Abbie suggests to Helena that it might’ve been better to speak to Matt at a time other than right at the start of a rose ceremony, but it’s pretty well established that Abbie’s credibility when talking about other women’s adherence to principles of fair play is well below zero.
Matt re-enters and prepares to grin.
He gives a rose to Chelsie because she nurtures his boring side.
He gives a rose to Abbie because she nurtures his penis.
He gives a rose to Helena because otherwise what would’ve been the point.
And so Emma departs, to stick pins in her homemade Matt doll and sing nursery rhymes to herself while staring in the mirror and running lipstick across her eyebrows. She is certain that Matt has rejected her because Helena cheated and poisoned his mind at the last minute. She may never know that Matt actually rejected her because she’s frighteningly obsessive and he never liked her much. On the drive back she declares that she will never apologise for the fact that she “loves being in love”, but maybe she should. Loving being in love is one thing: not actually caring who you’re in love with at any given time is another.
And so there were three. The seductress, the scientist and the…whatever Helena is.
Tune in next week, when Abbie and Matt shoot a porno while Helena faffs about a bit more.
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The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger
The Bachelor Australia SE07E11 Recap: Dinner For Schmucks
The Bachelor Australia SE07E12: Dumb And Dumber
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