Previously on The Bachelor: the girls’ families and friends tried to varying extents to hide their loathing of Matt.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Somehow this still is not over.
It’s sunrise in the great Australian bush. Matt is trekking through the woods, hunting backpackers. “I came here to find love,” he says, as if saying it for the hundredth time will make it true. He takes his shirt off for no apparent reason and reflects on how Abbie, Chelsie and Helena are all very different women: they each have hair a compeltely different shade of blonde.
Matt will be having three final dates, as before he chooses the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he wants to make sure he cheats on her at least twice more.
His shirtless bushwalk still unexplained, Matt drives in a sponsor’s product to meet Chelsie by the beach. “I know I’m in for a really good day,” she says, having been cced in on the itinerary by the producer. Chelsie greets Matt with a kiss, a fairly weak effort given later on Abbie will be greeting him with a blow job.
Chelsie reveals that her surname is McLeod, which thrills Matt to his very core and makes the rest of us go…wait…he didn’t know her surname? After all this time? That seems…odd. I mean he met her family. Just because only their first names flash up on screen for us, that doesn’t mean they can’t discuss surnames themselves does it?
Matt promises a Bachelor date with a twist, so Chelsie better watch her back and pray he’s not gay. Matt says he enjoys being with Chelsie because she allows him to let out the nerd inside him. This means he should probably choose Chelsie, because if he lets the nerd inside him out around Abbie, she’s going to cram him right back into his rectum, and if he lets him out around Helena she’ll burst into tears and say it’s all getting too intense.
While on the way from the beach to another beach, Matt and Chelsie discuss the speed of light and Matt performs a live commercial for the car manufacturer. When they finally arrive at the beach that is not the beach they were at before, they dick around pointlessly for a bit and then they get on a seaplane, obviously.
Yep, a seaplane. Today’s date is Raiders of the Lost Ark-themed. “This is blowing my head off right now,” Matt cries as they take off from the water, something he’s so far only said while on a date with Abbie.
They then proceed to fly around for a bit, something that would be absolutely awesome if you were on the plane but is not in any way entertaining to watch. Matt tells Chelsie the cruising altitude of the plane, which is something she’ll have to remember later because he’s going to make her crack a code he’s made up just to be annoying.
If they did anything else during the day other than ride in a plane, we’re not going to find out about it, because we cut straight from the plane to an ad break to a pool and some candles and a couch and booze. Matt notes that the setting is beautiful. “The only thing more beautiful is Chelsie,” he says, lamely. But note he doesn’t say “Chelsie and Abbie and Helena” – clearly the other two are less beautiful than or only as beautiful as the pool.
Then Matt brings out a safe and demands Chelsie break into it by decoding his strange nerd equation. All along he’s only been pretending to like her so he can use her mathematical skills to access the stash from his last heist.
Matt makes her figure out numbers from their three dates. She does so. It makes for some incredibly gripping television let me tell you. She breaks the code. She opens the safe. Inside is a human head. No, not really. It’s a small box containing a necklace featuring the chemical formula for oxytocin. This is a cheesy callback to their first cheesy meeting. “I can’t believe Matt gave me a necklace that incorporate something from the time we first met,” Chelsie says, revealing herself as a particularly incredulous person. “I’ve never received anything so thoughtful.” Jesus Christ. Never anything more thoughtful than a nerd necklace? What a life she’s endured.
As Chelsie and Matt’s date comes to a close, it becomes increasingly clear that this show is moving extremely slowly. Matt asks Chelsie if she’s happy. She says she’s happy. He says he’s happy too. Consensus has been reached. Matt tells her how much they have in common and that she ticks every item on a checklist of things he wants in a partner. The only possible obstacle will be that Abbie will go down on him while he’s driving, which puts her in pole position. Literally.
Chelsie is afraid because she doesn’t know where she stands and is scared of getting her heart broken, making her decision to go on the show an amazingly sensible one. She tells Matt she’s scared because she’s falling in love with him. Matt says he’s really happy to hear this, and knowing full well he’ll probably dump her shortly, kisses her passionately to make sure she’s being led on as far as possible.
The time has come for Abbie to stare winsomely across a body of water and talk about how much she wants to fuck Matt. She would be shocked if she didn’t make it to the final two, and so would we, because we know what a dickhead Matt is. We can only hope that her saying that is foreshadowing that she’s about to be kicked.
Matt, also staring winsomely across a body of water, approaches Abbie on a boat. They greet each other with a kiss and come to a mutual agreement that they both look fantastic. It augurs well for their future that their relationship is based on a solid foundation of horniness. They set off on the boat to pash on and finger each other.
We must bear in mind the old adage, “take the girl you like on a boat, but take the girl you LOVE on a plane”, but there’s no doubt that Matt enjoys Abbie’s company, and by company I mean breasts. He takes a major risk by telling Abbie how much he loves booster rockets, and Abbie demonstrates her tactical savvy by not replying, “I can’t wait to get my hands on YOUR booster rocket”. Instead she enthuses that she’s delighted she doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in his dumb nerd shit. Of course, she’s only pretending to be delighted she doesn’t have to pretend, but it’s a good sign that she’s so willing to fake interest in his personality for his sake.
Having reached their destination, they strip down to their bathers and have sex on the beach. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but…I mean, I think they might actually have had sex on the beach. Certainly there’s a lot of rolling around and groping and straddling and thrusting, and Abbie actually says “I’m horny”, proving her innate class yet again.
Then Matt takes Abbie onto a superyacht and the show turns into an episode of Getaway. Whichever company bought this slot is getting value for money. “I see a future with Matt immediately after this and so far beyond,” Abbie says, showing how much she’s matured, now willing to commit to banging one man on a yacht for the rest of her life.
The superyacht has everything, including a couch to sit on and drink. Abbie and Matt sit together and slurp at each other’s tonsils for a bit. “What’s on your mind?” Matt asks, a question that makes some huge assumptions if ever there was one. Abbie starts tearing up because she’s so sure that Matt and she are meant to be together, posting selfies on Instagram forever. “You’re everything that I want in a partner,” she says, having REALLY gotten into that booster rocket story.
“I love you,” says Abbie. Matt kisses her deeply but doesn’t say it back because he doesn’t. “It’s amazing to hear how Abbie feels,” says Matt, proving once again what a cool guy he is, that he knows two women are in love with him and he can only be with one and he’s reacting with pure joy at the massive ego boost this gives him. Abbie tells him she sees a future with him, but like everyone else who has ever said they see a future with the Bachelor, refuses to go into detail. They kiss again and the camera pans away before anyone gets on their knees.
They keep showing Abbie saying that she’s sure she’s getting a rose and she thinks Matt will choose her at the end. Please let this be foreshadowing.
It is time for Matt’s final date with Helena. This is a more awkward moment than the Chelsie and Abbie dates, because Helena has lately developed the annoying habit of telling Matt she’s leaving every three minutes, which can really interrupt the continuity of a relationship.
Driving a car stolen from the set of The Sullivans, Matt picks Helena up out in the country, as she’s nowhere near enough a sure thing to merit a date on the water. He tells her that he’s taking her to England, by which he means, apparently, that the car he’s driving is a Jaguar. That’s a hell of a letdown, Matt.
Driving around in the Jag, Helena is enjoying herself immensely, all the more because she has no idea how awesome the other women’s dates are and what a lame bit of cold piss this one is.
“I really like Helena,” says Matt, which is a fair way short of “you tick every box” with Chelsie or repeated penetration with Abbie. Still, Helena is still there, despite how hard she’s tried to tell Matt to rack off, so there must be some self-destructive fascination operating here.
Matt and Helena arrive at a tree-lined avenue and sit down at a little table set up there. Matt tells her that now he’s taking her to Argentina. So the theme of this date is going to generic places in New South Wales and pretending they somehow resemble somewhere better. Matt teaches Helena a few Spanish phrases, a good way to remind her of how hurt she was when he forgot that she spoke French.
Speaking of that, Matt raises the issue of Helena’s hometown and what a complete nightmarish clusterfuck it was and how much overtime the crew had to be paid due to how late it went. Helena explains that her mum really liked him, which is why she said she didn’t think he liked Helena much. Matt is confused, and he’s not alone. She tells him that she tried to push him away to see if he’d come back. “That’s not a good way to start a relationship,” Matt says, but it wasn’t how they started a relationship: they started their relationship by her speaking French and him immediately forgetting it.
Matt explains that he was thrown by the fact her family thought he was full of shit. Wait till he finds out what the rest of Australia thinks. Helena says she’s really glad she didn’t go, and she hopes they can move past it and, I guess, form a profitable business partnership or something. Matt has no idea how Helena feels about him, and if you compare the chemistry between these two with that displayed with the other two Bachelorettes, they are somewhere between “strangers on a train” and “people who accidentally received each other’s mail once”.
Matt demands to know what Helena’s feelings are. Helena is sick of telling Matt what her feelings are every time they’re together. “The last thing I want to do is put pressure on her to open up,” he says, despite the fact that this is the first thing he does whenever he sees her.
Having cut the “world tour” short at two countries, no meals and no physical contact, it’s rose ceremony time. Which woman will he send home? Will it be the one he thinks is the perfect match for him, the one who he finds it impossible to keep his hands off, or the one in whom he has no particular interest at all? So difficult to predict.
TAFKAAG shows up, still drawing a salary, and tells the women that it’s the last ever rose ceremony. Someone is getting her heart broken tonight, unless it’s Helena, in which case she’s just getting a lot of free time back.
Abbie keeps saying she’s absolutely certain she’s getting a rose. They’re toying with us here. Chelsie is nervous because of this strange thing you humans call “love”. Helena has no idea what’s going on and doesn’t much care to be honest.
Matt stares at the first rose, wishing he could marry it instead. He gives it to Abbie, so it wasn’t foreshadowing at all. Screw you, Ten.
And then the second rose goes to…
DUH. What did you think, he was going to find Helena’s constant rejection so intriguing he’d tell a woman he actually likes to piss off? I mean that would’ve been awesome, but c’mon.
Anyway, Helena must now leave. Her life will change in a huge way, as now she’ll have to start not giving a shit about Matt while he’s not nearby, instead of doing it with him in close proximity. “I don’t regret anything,” she says: she had a blast screwing with Matt’s head.
But imagine if he’d sent Helena home instead of Elly. Dumbass.
“I came here to find love,” says Matt again. Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Tune in tomorrow, when Matt makes a decision that could go either way but that he will definitely regret.
The Bachelor S07E01 Recap: A New Hope
The Bachelor S07E02 Recap: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The Bachelor S07E03 Recap: Any Given Sunday
The Bachelor SE07E04 Recap: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
The Bachelor Australia SE07E05 Recap: A Dog’s Journey
The Bachelor Australia SE07E06 Recap: Farewell, My Lovely
The Bachelor Australia SE07E07 Recap: The Most Dangerous Game
The Bachelor Australia SE07E08 Recap: A Bridge Too Far
The Bachelor Australia SE07E09 Recap: The Backup Plan
The Bachelor Australia SE07E10 Recap: Cliffhanger
The Bachelor Australia SE07E11 Recap: Dinner For Schmucks
The Bachelor Australia SE07E12: Dumb And Dumber
The Bachelor Australia SE07E13: The Killing of a Sacred Deer
The Bachelor Australia SE07E14 Recap: Up In The Air