Previously on The Bachelor: A great darkness was banished from the land, and the hope of a new life was born for those of good heart.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Psychological torture hits the mainstream.
It’s a beautiful day in wherever the mansion is, and all the bachelorettes are basking in the afterglow of being freed from Cat, Alisha and Romy, not to mention no longer having to fear a sudden outbreak of Brittney’s personality. TAFKAAG appears in a non-threatening manner to deliver the news that their journey towards finding love is “well on the way”: in fact love is hidden somewhere on the grounds and whoever finds it wins immunity at the next tribal council.
Also, there is to be a single date: Nick has requested a viewing of Brittany’s “wild side”, which is making a lot of assumptions. Cass is devastated that she isn’t getting a single date while Brittany gets a second one: Cass can’t understand why Nick still doesn’t appreciate her even after all the miniature models of him she has made out of her own hair.
The date will take place on the harbour, because as a selkie, Nick risks drying out if he cannot return to his seal form every three hours. In fact Nick is taking Brittany on a harbour cruise, after which he promises to take her somewhere “they’ve brought a piece of the outback to the city”. An urban roo shoot? Possibly – they go to the Australian Wildlife Park, where Nick starts looking trigger happy.
Things get awkward when the happy couple spots a pair of mating lizards, and Brittany senses that Nick is taking notes on technique. They move on to the koala enclosure for a seminar on the dangers of chlamydia. Nick disappears into the bushes and emerges with a snake around his neck. He places it around Brittany’s neck, which in Nick’s culture means they are married. He brings in another snake, and Brittany starts to fear that she has been lured into some kind of supervillain lair.
Next, Nick and Brittany visit a huge saltwater crocodile, who shows no interest in them whatsoever. Nick has “arranged” (ie received a phone call informing him that a producer has arranged) for Brittany to feed the crocodile. To do this she will need to make her peace with God and dive into the water, sacrificing herself to the great reptile god.
Oh, actually all she does is dangle a fish on a stick, as a metaphor for the dangling of sexual favours meant to entice Nick to leap out of the water and swallow a bachelorette. The crocodile eats the fish and all is well. Nick and Brittany move on to drink champagne in front of judgmental kangaroos. Nick asks Brittany what she wants from life. Brittany says she wants to travel for a few years and then settle down and have kids in Byron Bay. Nick says what he wants most of all is to travel for a few years and then settle down and have kids in Byron Bay. Their life goals align so perfectly that it’s almost disturbing, and everyone feels faintly dirty. Brittany tries to ask Nick how he feels about her, but Nick is sick of the sound of her voice, so he kisses her to shut her up. He assures her that he wouldn’t have brought her on a second date if he didn’t genuinely believe she had the potential to be runner-up to Brooke.
Brittany declares herself “on top of the moon”, because she doesn’t speak English, and Nick gives her a rose. Nick can see something evolving with them, but he may be getting her confused with the snakes. “I felt like I could’ve stayed there all night,” he says, but sadly the staff of Wildlife World have discovered the break-in and they are ejected.
It is time for a group date, or as it is more properly called, “a group ordeal”. Again it’s on the waterfront so Nick has easy access to his feeding grounds. TAFKAAG introduces the bachelorettes to Steve, who is a “human lie detector”. Steve has trained with the FBI and he is here to quiz the women and find out exactly which FM breakfast show they plan to get a job with once the series is over.
“You guys are laughing, why are you laughing?” asks TAFKAAG. Not wanting to tell him that his fly is open, they say that they are scared. Which, you know, I guess is pretty funny.
Jamie Lee is first to be questioned. “My palms are sweaty,” she confesses, as she sits down, vomit on her sweater already, Mom’s spaghetti. Steve begins with a series of very boring questions, but quickly moves on to more serious questions that are also very boring.
In her interview, Brooke tells Steve that she has issues with trust. Steve doesn’t comment but you can tell he despises her weakness. Steve says he respects Brooke’s reluctance to answer – she is a worthy adversary. Brooke admits to the camera that she has something she wants to tell Nick but she’s afraid. Instantly the truth becomes clear: Brooke is Nick’s mother.
Steve says he had trouble with Deanna because she was “deadpan”. That’s what it takes to stump an FBI-trained “human lie detector”, apparently. He seems to think all the women are holding back, which he finds baffling. The idea that people aren’t always eager to share their deepest secrets with aggressive interrogatory strangers is one that has yet to occur to him.
The exception to this is Cass, who can’t stop telling Steve everything about the grand romance she believes herself to be enjoying with Nick, to the point where Steve begs for mercy.
“Today’s group date is not about finding out who’s lying,” says Nick, who coincidentally is lying when he says this. Steve will now quiz Nick and the bachelorettes together. First he sits down with Sophie, who can’t decide whether work or love is more important, particularly now that she is on a show where they are the same thing.
Next Steve talks to Nick and Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee admits that she would like a family in the future: it’s uncertain whether she means she wants to be a mother or she’s speaking from a Lil Orphan Annie perspective.
Tenille joins Nick and admits she keeps people at arm’s length because she’s afraid of being hurt. Nick, suffering flashbacks to all the All Black wingers who have kept him at arm’s length in the past, is unimpressed.
Deanna comes in next but nobody really notices.
It’s time for Brooke to sit down next to her fiance and submit to Steve’s blatant rudeness once more. “Where’s your head at the moment?” Steve asks Nick, to which the answer is “underneath a hilarious circus prop”.
Finally, here is Cass, to explain that the most important thing in a relationship is night vision goggles. Throughout her answers Nick looks on the verge of laughter, hinting at the fact that this show is actually an elaborate Candid Camera-style prank on Cass, to be revealed in the final episode.
Steve says he believed Cass is “besotted” with Nick, proving that all his years of training have equipped him to be as perceptive as every single person who has watched more than three minutes of this show.
Nick has a private chat with Steve, who he describes as “the one to suss out who’s giving you the raw prawn”. Nick is taking powerful hallucinogens and believes himself to be the ghost of Maurie Fields. Steve explains to Nick that some of the women have feelings for him but some of the other women don’t want to show their feelings. Nick’s mind is blown by Steve’s matchless powers of perception. Steve’s final observation is that Cass is kind of a loon. Nick says he appreciates that Cass is so honest with her feelings. He appreciates literally nothing else about her, but her honesty he is fine with.
Having received the news that Cass is nuts about him, he gets on well with Brooke, and Deanna is very dull, Nick heads to the cocktail party to see all the women, including the ones who didn’t meet Steve, making the whole exercise fairly useless.
Cass grabs Nick and demands to know what Steve said about her. Nick leaves out the vivid circular hand motions, but lets her know that Steve thinks she is very honest. “Thank you for being honest,” Nick tells Cass, who still hasn’t noticed that Nick only ever thanks her for being honest and has never once actually told her he likes her. Cass forces Nick into a hug, which lasts several hours and cuts off blood supply to his extremities. Alarm flares in Nick’s eyes as he realises this hug may be fatal.
Nick grabs Brooke for a private chat about getting a joint bank account. Brooke, a bright girl, believes that a conversation with Nick is a good opportunity to tell Nick something. Nick gushes over how honest and genuine Steve said Brooke is, and he’s so overt about it that if I didn’t know better I would almost suspect a producer of telling him that a major secret is about to be revealed. Luckily there’s no chance of such shenanigans on a show like this, and Nick’s surprise is definitely 100% genuine when Brooke tells him the earth-shattering news that…
She’s had a couple of relationships with women.
Wait. That’s it?
That’s the bombshell we’ve been waiting for?
Who gives a shit?
Nick nods, trying to remember whether he’s supposed to pretend to look understanding or betrayed. “We are just souls inhabiting a body,” he says, which seems a bit incongruous with the whole “raw prawn” thing. In the end Brooke and Nick agree that Ten’s promotional campaign has been extremely misleading as to the magnitude of tonight’s revelation.
It’s rose ceremony time, and Deanna is not too stressed because she believes that Nick got an insight into her personality, and she is pretty sure that Nick like sullen, unexpressive women.
One woman will leave the mansion tonight, or at least have to hide out in the bushes for the rest of the series.
Brooke gets a rose because that’s hot.
Cass gets a rose because Nick dearly wants to thank her for her honesty a few more times before telling her to leave him alone.
Shannon gets a rose, good for her, she’s a real stayer.
Dasha gets a rose because THAT is also hot.
Sophie gets a rose because life is short, live on the edge.
Emily gets a rose because he promised her a single date and he really regrets doing that but he guesses he better do it or he’ll look like a douche.
Jamie Lee gets a rose because she’s a tiny little pixie.
Tenille gets a rose because as cold and inaccessible as she is, at least she’s not Deanna.
Tragically for Deanna, Deanna IS Deanna, and so obviously she has to go. It shows how superficial men can be, that they always go for the woman who is in any way interesting over the deeper, more rewarding virtues of a woman who doesn’t know how to move her facial muscles.
Tune in tomorrow, when there is carnage at the racetrack while Nick wax off.