Oh my GOD. We’re already up to the second episode and we’re still looking at the same old women? How about something NEW for a bloody change, The Bachelor? What kind of stale, tired show keeps the same cast two episodes in a row?
Haha, don’t worry! The Bachelor isn’t one of those boring shows that doesn’t introduce eight new people into it before you even know the names of the ones from the start. No, The Bachelor is the show that says hey, that first episode went pretty well, why not chuck a big buttload of NEW women in? After all, isn’t eighteen women a rather meagre number for a man to be dating at once? Twenty-six seems more realistic.
The originals have no idea what’s coming as they sit around the mansion listening to Emma spiral further into the abyss of obsession. TAFKAAG shows up, let out of his enclosure for the day, with a date card. He leaves the card and goes away, living up to his pledge to never allow himself to be in the presence of other people for more than a minute at a time.
The card contains a clue about someone who speaks a different language to Matt, so immediately Kristin assumes it must be her, because she speaks Chinese and she’s been to China and she knows a lot about China and she lived in China and she can speak Chinese because she’s been to China to learn about China and the Chinese language which she speaks. This also means we have to hear the racist incidental music that I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to sit through every time Kristin is on screen for the rest of the series.
We spend a hell of a long time speculating on who the date card might be for, considering all they have to do to find out is read the rest of the card.
Anyway it’s for Sogand. “Don’t touch my husband!” cries Mary, who is really carving out a niche for herself as a wacky, zany, irritating bint. Then Kristin says something in Chinese.
Matt has prepared a helicopter for Sogand, by which I mean, Matt has been instructed by the producer to stand near a helicopter and wait for Sogand. “I’ve never been on a chopper,” says Sogand, prompting Matt to make a joke so weak Sogand doesn’t even know it’s a joke. Into the helicopter they get, and Matt promises Sogand more surprises. Assuming that the helicopter is a surprise in the first place, that is: if I were a Bachelorette I’d pretty much expect a helicopter every time.
“I do feel, going into this date, that I may develop feelings for Matt pretty quickly,” says Sogand, making it sound like this is a deadly risk of some kind. Not FEELINGS.
Back at the mansion, Emma asks the other women whether they think Matt will kiss Sogand. The other women think he will definitely kiss Sogand. Emma is disgusted at the very idea of Matt kissing a non-Emma being. It’s bad enough these other women have barged onto her show, now they are kissing her Real Husband? It’s enough to make a woman put rat poison in everyone’s Rice Bubbles.
Meanwhile, in a forest somewhere, Matt and Sogand stumble across a dress and a suit growing wild. They decide to put the outfits on, not knowing what strange adventure they are embarking on.
A few seconds later it is night time, as it took Matt and Sogand five hours to get dressed. For the date, Matt has decided to pretend he hired an orchestra. They play ominous, deathly music while Sogand sits and wonders what horrific fate she is about to meet here in the woods. “I actually cannot speak right now,” she lies.
“This is the most romantic thing I’ve ever done,” says Matt, who can’t conceive of anything more romantic than receiving an email telling him what the producers have organised for today’s date. Matt informs us that Sogand is “so much fun” and “makes me laugh”, which is helpful of him because neither of these things would’ve been evident to anyone watching. He declares his intention to dig deeper into Sogand’s psyche, so as to better facilitate the brutal psychological grip he intends to exert on her. Sogand reveals that she broke up with someone once, and Matt is blown away by this unprecedented tale of woe. Sogand tells Matt that he’s a decent guy despite being handsome, as the conversation becomes so shallow that nearby fish begin dying.
Matt pulls out a rose and asks Sogand if she’ll accept it. Foolishly she says yes. They kiss. From somewhere in the distance, Emma’s scream of fury echoes over the mountains.
Sogand says Matt is definitely someone she could fall for, a savvy statement as it’s difficult for Bachelorettes who say they think the Bachelor smells like poo and reminds them of Jeffrey Dahmer to stay on the show.
Sogand arrives back at the mansion wearing her new dress. Nichole looks long and hard at her, planning exactly how she will light the fire that consumes Sogand’s family home.
The women ask Sogand if she kissed Matt. Sogand says yes. Everyone screams like gibbons. Emma becomes suicidal. The more Sogand vaguely describes things that happened, the more Emma becomes convinced that Sogand is, deliberately and with malice aforethought, competing in a reality show.
The next morning, the women set off for a group date with Matt. Meanwhile at the mansion a stretch Hummer shows up and eight new women get out. WHOA WHAT A TWIST. “With these new girls, the old girls are gonna be shook,” says one of them, stretching the definitions of “new” and “old” to breaking point. For god’s sake, they’ve been there two nights.
In an unidentified location, the originals are shooting bows and arrows in an exercise the purpose of which has at no point been defined.
Back at the mansion, TAFKAAG informs the women that they are on the Bachelor and if they want to stay on The Bachelor they will have to not get kicked off The Bachelor. The women nod, understanding the intricate rules.
Meanwhile, Chelsie has in some way won at archery and gets a rose, because Matt considers skill with the bow a non-negotiable for any potential partner. Having completed the oddly non-specific group date, the women return to the mansion, where TAFKAAG informs them that a bunch of new woman have shown up and they will have to start sharing toothbrushes.
Vakoo swears. Mary says something or other. Emma sharpens her shiv. Rachael is so angry she looks blankly at the camera. Mary says something else. Emotions are running high.
There’s three quarters of an hour of the episode to go and the cocktail party has already started. Dear god. The originals sit around getting pissed and waiting for the newbies to show up. “I’m absolutely dreading this,” says Elly, who has never before had to sit and watch a man she barely knows get to know a bunch of women she’s never met, except for two nights ago when that’s exactly the thing that she did.
Matt stands and waits for the new women, who for some reason are arriving in cars even though they already moved into the mansion earlier that day. This has been poorly planned.
The first new arrival is Julia, who is a children’s entertainer and looks it. She says she’s looking for her best friend. “And I want to be his cheerleader,” she adds, never having quite cottoned on to the way human relationships work.
Julia has brought a ukulele, and plays and sings an intensely boring song to Matt. “Oh my god, your voice!” Matt exclaims, and yeah…I hear ya brother. “Oh my god!” he says again, and you know, it’s getting kind of rude now. Julia’s idea to sing and play the ukulele came from her work as a children’s entertainer, as she finds whenever she sings to the children, they all want to commit to a long-term relationship with her.
The second new arrival is Monique. “Look at the boobs!” Mary cries. “She got the boobs!” Nichole affirms, being so mesmerised by Monique’s breasts that she loses the ability to use grammatical English. “Shit. I don’t got the boobs,” Nichole adds, sadly, and it’s kind of true. I mean, she does got the boobs, but she don’t got the boobs the way Monique got the boobs.
Monique is a lingerie designer, which means she is on this show to plug her business and no other reason. “I’m a hugger,” she tells Matt, leaning in to demonstrate her inbuilt flotation devices. She tells him she’s a lingerie designer, and Matt impresses everyone with his self-restraint, not fist-pumping even a little bit. Monique goes on to tell Matt that she used to work in a mine and she loves boxing, and then she hugs Matt again just so he’s absolutely sure he’ll be safe in the event of a collision.
As they watch, the other women opine that Monique is a dead ringer for Nichole. I don’t know why they do this, because she’s…not. I mean it’s not that just that Nichole don’t got the boobs, they also have different faces and stuff. Maybe it’s because they both like punching people?
“Tonight is crazy,” Matt accurately says. “Meeting eight new women is one thing, but doing it in front of the eighteen original girls?” Damn…he is SO CLOSE to realising how ridiculous this show’s basic premise is.
Anyway, the next new woman is Sam, who is neither a singer nor a pantie-making boxer, and consequently shuffles on and off the screen without so much as a close-up. After her comes Jessica – don’t we already have one? After Jessica comes Renee, who tells Matt that he smells amazing: a smart move as deep down all men are convinced they smell terrible and need constant reassurance on this point.
While this is all going on, Mary is making snide comments in an extremely loud voice and it seems unlikely that Matt and the new women can’t hear every word she says. Meanwhile Emma has ground her teeth down to tiny nubs. “The idea that Matt’s going to be spending time with eight more people is exhausting to me,” she says, but then you get the feeling that she would be exhausted by the idea of Matt going to the toilet without her.
After Renee comes Tara, who seems kind of…slow. She has brought a stethoscope to listen to Matt’s heart and feel him up. “She’s using the stethoscope as an excuse!” Emma snarls, like she’s uncovered a conspiracy that nobody else suspected. Yeah, no shit, Emma. We’re all aware Matt’s not due a checkup.
After Tara comes an absolutely horrible person in a cheerleader outfit. Her name is Nikki and she looks like a young Lily Tomlin without any of the comedic talent. She performs a specially-prepared cheer for Matt, and the show’s editor quite cleverly edits around the mass outbreak of projectile vomiting that literally everyone in the cast and crew must surely have suffered as they watched. Nikki has made one thing clear: Emma and Nichole could team up to slit Matt’s throat and feed him to their prize pigs, and they would still not be the worst people on the show. Nikki has set a bar it will be very very hard for anyone else to clear.
Sogand isn’t jealous of the new woman. “I’m Matt’s favourite Persian princess,” she says. LOL, guess what? The next new arrival is Persian! Wow, brilliant foreshadowing there producers!
“She can’t be Persian,” Sogand sobs. She was assured before entering the mansion that all other Persians in Australia had been deported. She watches in horror as the new woman, Danush, handfeeds Matt Persian sweets, in an amazing display of one-up-Persianship. “Oh my god she’s Persian!” Sogand gasps, the sweets sealing the deal.
It’s a massive blow for Sogand, who in the absence of any attractive personal qualities was counting on winning the competition via her ethnicity alone.
With all the women, new and old, now in the mansion together, TAFKAAG shows up to justify his salary and inform them that a lot of them will be going home tonight. “There’s 25 women in the mansion tonight, and as far as I’m concerned there’s 24 too many,” says Emma, showing just how on the ball she is, because there are actually 26.
TAFKAAG beats a much-desired retreat and Matt enters to face the slavering throng. Monique begins by immediately asking to take Matt away for some one-on-one time. “She’s a snake,” says Nichole, scarcely believing that a woman would be so underhanded as to ask to talk to a man. Sneaky bitch.
While Matt and Monique are chatting, Sogand declares her intention to distract Danush so she can’t have any time with Matt. She then begins laughing hysterically and probably someone should call an ambulance or put a stick between her teeth or something. Sogand sits Danush down and begins laughing hysterically at her too, hoping to unnerve her so much she runs away.
Emma is panicking because she hasn’t spoken to Matt yet and she’s afraid that he might’ve forgotten that he promised to marry her in a dream she had last night. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but they’ve had their entrance,” says Emma, who finds it appalling that women would act competitively, on The Bachelor of all shows.
Abbie is much more relaxed. “I’m not going to stoop to the level of petty petty stuff,” she says. She’s confident that even if she doesn’t speak to Matt tonight, he will still remember how hot she is. Emma can’t find it in herself to be so sanguine. “They need to respect the connection I have with Matt,” she says, running her switchblade slowly down her cheek.
It’s time, praise be, for the rose ceremony. Everyone is very tense, except for Abbie due to her aforementioned hotness, and Monique due to her aforementioned boobs. TAFKAAG enters looking sombre, as if he’s about to tell the women that a bus full of puppies just drove off a cliff. “More of you will leave tonight’s rose ceremony than have ever left before,” he says. There are seventeen roses to hand out, plus the ones Sogand and Chelsie already have, meaning that six of them will leave tonight.
Hang on…six of them? There were eighteen…then eight more came…and two roses were given…now seventeen roses will be given…which leaves…
Seven. It leaves seven.
So why are there only six of them going?
Are we being played for suckers here?
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, THE BACHELOR? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?
It’s a deep mystery, one that perhaps will never be solved. Unless of course we Google it and find out that Vakoo had conjunctivitis and couldn’t be at the ceremony, but is still in the mansion.
Wow, that was anti-climactic. As anti-climactic as the rose ceremony? Let’s find out.
Matt arrives. He gives a rose to Julia, because she reminds him of The Wiggles.
He gives a rose to Monique, because hey, we know why. We’ve seen ’em.
He gives a rose to Helena, because her almost-accent is sexy af.
He gives a rose to Nikki, because he is attracted to objectively dreadful people.
This is significant because three new arrivals getting roses means Matt is definitely sending originals home. Indeed, if it weren’t for the fact that they brought the new women in in only the second episode, this might almost be a moment of mild drama.
He gives a rose to Elly, because she is the Best.
He gives a rose to Nichole, because you don’t kick out the bitch this early.
He gives a rose to Renee, because they shared a beautiful three seconds together earlier.
He gives a rose to Mary, because without her there talking constantly the show would be half an hour shorter every night.
He gives a rose to Jessica, because she has sweet tattoos.
He gives a rose to Emma, because he wants to see what his skin looks like as a lampshade.
He gives a rose to Rachael, because at some point during the series she is going to eat a live mouse and he wants to be there when she does.
He gives a rose to Kristin, because he wants to learn more about the Terracotta Army.
He gives a rose to Rihanna or possibly Brianna, because only by keeping her around will he learn what her name is.
He gives a rose to Isabelle, whoever that might be.
He gives a rose to Cassandra, who has been at work all day and only just got back.
He gives a rose to Jessie, because he is attracted to mutes.
Abbie is panicking. She was sure her hotness would see her through, but what if it’s been neutralised by the power of dramatic irony?
He gives the final rose to…
Of course he does.
That means the end of the road for Danush, who didn’t count on the fact that Persian sweets taste horrible; Tara, who we know nothing about but get the sense she was a bit weird; Georgie, who was English or something; Hannah, who did that stupid Love Actually thing so deserves everything she gets; Tash, who…I dunno; and Sam, who was one of the new ones but not one of the news ones anyone noticed.
Farewell, ladies, we’ll remember you fondly as six women who we’ve already basically forgotten.
Tune in next week when the women play football and are forced out with osteitis pubis.