Previously on The Bachelor: Matt and Sogand went on a date so boring they cut almost all of it out of the episode, and then a bunch of new women arrived including one in a cheerleader costume as the prophecies of the Necronomicon finally came to pass.
Tonight on The Bachelor: THE WALKOUT. What does that mean? I dunno.
Vakoo is back! Having dodged the rose ceremony due to illness, she catches up on recent events vis-a-vis the new arrivals and the cocktail party and Monique’s enormous boobs etc. She is also caught up on the fact that we have to refer to “old girls” and new girls” even though the difference between the two groups is only 24 hours.
The “new girls” sit around chatting about how great it is to be a new girl and how welcoming the old girls have been even though it is very noticeable that none of the old girls are there talking to them at this stage.
Rachael doesn’t like the new girls, saying “they don’t really bring anything to the table”, which is a case of the pot calling the kettle completely useless if ever I heard one.
Meanwhile, Matt is back in his hometown, Melbourne. He is at Flemington Racecourse, Melbourne’s animal-torturing capital. He is there to meet Elly, who has never been to Melbourne and will be amazed by just how many 7/11s can fit in one square kilometre. Elly is there because she won the Golden Ticket, which privileges the holder to one (1) day at a deserted racecourse.
Matt approaches Elly in a carriage drawn by four white horses, AKA the Authentic Melbourne Experience. “Welcome to Flemington Racecourse,” he says, like he lives there or something. He forces Elly into the carriage and off they go, riding about the well-manicured grounds. “I really appreciate a good lawn,” says Elly, confirming her status as a Keeper.
On the course, Matt introduces Elly to Gai Waterhouse, best-known for her marriage to a convicted felon. Gai shows them the Melbourne Cup, as Elly’s suspicions grow that the racecourse is haunted and Matt has brought her here to die.
Some might argue that if you wanted to give a person a real taste of Melbourne, you’d take them to the races on a day when the races were actually on, so they could experience what it’s actually like to visit Flemington Racecourse. But this would be churlish, as Matt is going the extra mile to give Elly the real experience of what it’s like to be part of the racecourse’s cleaning staff.
“You can’t go to Flemington without getting on a horse,” says Gai Waterhouse, a filthy stinking lie that we can see through immediately. Obviously you can go to Flemington without getting on a horse. What kind of chaos would the Spring Carnival be if everyone entering the gates had to ride a horse?
Anyway, Matt and Elly get on horses, once again going through the Authentic Melbourne Experience, as Melbourne is known as a town where everyone rides horses around gardens constantly. Elly enthuses about how much thought Matt has put into the date, proving that either she’s as dumb as everyone assumes country people are, or she is, lke Gai Waterhouse, a goddamn liar.
As their voices echo around the eerie empty racecourse, the oppressive feeling of the post-apocalypse crushing them beneath its weight, Matt and Elly sit down on a random couch to get pissed.
“I was very excited to show you a bit of Melbourne,” says Matt, an incredibly hilarious thing to say to a woman you’ve just taken for a horse ride around a racecourse that is closed. You could get a better sense of Melbourne life by watching a VHS of the Best of Kylie Mole.
Elly and Matt discuss careers. Elly tells Matt how much she loves being a nurse. Matt avoids telling Elly how much he loves working for NAB. Elly tells Matt that she doesn’t think relationships should be difficult. Matt thinks this is basically correct. Matt asks Elly if she’s been in love in the past. Elly tells Matt she was in a five-year relationship but she broke up with him because he refused to take her to empty racecourses.
“Not gonna lie, definitely had a little thought about kissing Matt today,” says Elly to the camera. Cut to Matt telling Elly again that he is glad he got to show her his hometown. Cut to audience laughing uproariously again because – I can’t stress this enough – the only bit of his hometown he has shown her is a racecourse that is not even open.
Then they kiss each other, a massive thrill for Elly, who now knows that she is one of a very special couple of dozen women who Matt is willing to kiss. Then Matt gives her a rose because not giving her a rose would be frankly rude.
“Today has been a bit of a fairytale,” says Elly, who read some boring-ass books when she was a kid.
Back at the mansion, Nikki, the weird cheerleader, says something stupid about planets and everyone laughs because they are vaguely aware that Matt is a planet doctor or something. Little do they know that he actually has a really glamorous job at a bank.
It’s time for a group date. The group date will involve a group. Some women get to go on the date but some women don’t. This is a microcosm of life in general, in which some people get to do things but some other people do not get to do the things that the people before got to do. Deep.
Rachael is very annoyed that she doesn’t get to go on the group date, although she is careful not to let her face show that she is annoyed, or that she is anything at all.
The group daters set off in sponsored vehicles, careful to ensure they showcase the amazing features that the cars have, like voice-activated GPS, seatbelts and so on.
Matt is waiting for the women, alongside TAFKAAG, who is keen that we do not forget that he exists, and two footballers. Matt explains to TAFKAAG that he is quite a fan of football, which is no surprise: down in Melbourne footy is almost as popular as not watching horse racing.
The two footballers are from the GWS men’s and women’s teams, and are there to assist in a game of Aussie Rules between the new girls and the old girls. “There’s a lot to play for today,” TAFKAAG lies. The winning team will receive a pissy little trophy, and the best player will have some one-on-one time with Matt to discuss the finer points of financial analysis.
It’s a game of touch – no tackling allowed, which is a damn shame as everyone really wants to see some teeth getting knocked out. The game begins and the Bachelorettes quickly show that they possess a level of athleticism roughly equal to Dame Elisabeth Murdoch. After her death.
Matt, who is the umpire, concerns himself mainly with sin-binning women who commit tackles. The professional footballers watch on, utterly in the dark as to why they are there.
The old girls kick the first two goals, defying their natural incompetence to overwhelm the new girls’ equally natural incompetence. Mary laments her lack of ability. “There should be an easier way to find love,” she says. There is, Mary. It’s called being a normal human being who meets other normal human beings in the course of a normal life without going on a terrible TV show to flaunt your desperation.
The new girls mount a stirring fightback, led by Monique, who shows something approaching what might be called skill. Nothing of the kind is evident on the old girls’ team, but somehow Nichole flukes the winning goal. All the old girls are extremely happy to win despite the fact that not only does this game mean nothing, the fact it’s being played at all strongly suggests that life itself is meaningless.
“We showed the new girls how it’s done,” says Nichole, who is under the impression that the main point of contention in The Bachelor is who is best at football. Matt chooses Nichole as “best and fairest”, because she kicked two goals and didn’t inflict any flesh wounds on her opponents. Monique is disappointed as she thought she was best on ground, but she already has the boobs, she can’t have everything.
Matt takes Nichole to a random couch much like the random couch from the racecourse. Time to get drunk again. Matt is impressed both by Nichole’s beauty and her ball-handling abilities. “Tonight I want to show Matt that I’m an awesome chick to be around,” says Nichole, this being very much the kind of thing that an awesome chick to be around would say.
Nichole and Matt have a good long chat. Nichole makes a real effort to show, through her conversational skills, that she’s not as obnoxious as her permanent facial expression would suggest. She begins to win his heart by spending twenty minutes listing all the sports she played at school. Matt, who finds nothing sexier than a woman who has at some point in her life played ice hockey, feels his loins stirring with desire.
Back at the mansion, the women discuss whether Matt will kiss Nichole. Opinion is divided because they don’t realise that this dude is going to kiss every single woman he comes across, and sometimes even ones he hasn’t come across yet. Little do they know that at this very moment Nichole is telling Matt that one day they could run a cafe together: the way to any man’s heart. Matt gives Nichole a rose and tells her that he “enjoys her enthusiasm”, an incredibly romantic turn of phrase. However, the stem of the rose breaks off, so Nichole must accept a stumpy rose. It’s a metaphor.
Matt does kiss Nichole, but only on the cheek like he’s her granddad or something. Nichole would’ve liked to kiss him, but she decides he’s just being a gentleman rather than refusing to kiss her because her breath smells like chicken poo.
Back at the mansion, the cocktail party is in full swing. Is Vakoo wearing a wig? I think Vakoo is wearing a wig. That’s new. Nichole tells the others that Matt totally would’ve kissed her but she wasn’t giving him “the vibe”, something that will be really funny to the others when they watch this episode and see how full of shit she is.
Suddenly, mid-cocktail party, some woman or other pops up with a date card. It says that Matt will select his next solo date during tonight’s party, meaning it is time for the women to begin biting and scratching each other.
Matt shows up and every woman immediately swarms around him, determined to win that solo date by making him see how desperate and pushy they are. One by one they drag Matt away for a chat for several seconds before the next one shows up to interrupt the chat and drag him away again.
The only woman who doesn’t ask Matt for a chat is Elly, so obviously Matt asks Elly to come away with him for a chat. Because guess what, sometimes people actually like not being pressured, LADIES. Nichole is pissed off because she thought she’d be Matt’s first choice tonight, considering the several minutes she spent with him earlier, enumerating sports.
Matt takes Elly away to tell her that she’s awesome and repeat, just in case she didn’t catch it the first time, that he really wanted to show her his hometown. It is becoming increasingly possible that Matt does actually believe he lives at Flemington Racecourse.
Matt comes back into the house. Nichole believes he’s walking towards her, even though she’s in a very small area with about fifteen other women and there’s no way to determine whether he’s aiming himself at any particular one. But Nichole will have her little fantasies, and this particular one is that Matt was about to throw himself at her when that damn Monique stepped in front and swept him away.
Monique takes Matt into the garden for a scavenger hunt, which is weird but Matt goes with it because of her breasts. Around the garden she has secreted little items which correspond to aspects of her personality. When did she do this? Why is this allowed? Is there no oversight on these women? Can they just go around strewing personal artefacts throughout the grounds willy-nilly? The whole thing is a sham.
Nichole and Rachael have a discussion about how much they hate Monique and how totally non-bitter they are. “Oh, scavenger hunt, she’s cool, I’ll take her on a V8 Supercar Experience,” squeals Nichole, proving not only that she is terrible at impersonating Matt, but she also has very odd ideas about what men consider cool.
Rachael and Nicole are sure that Monique is going to get the single date, because Matt is so shallow he prizes superficial things like physical beauty and scavenger hunts over more meaningful things like massively over-filled lips and school sports. Their worst fears are confirmed when Matt, ignoring how much time Nichole has put in to bitching about Monique behind her back, gives the single date to Monique.
Monique doesn’t care how the other women feel, almost like she’s emotionally healthy or understands the point of this show or something. But Nichole is fuming. “I’m f***ing over it,” she says tearfully, though sadly because it’s censored we’ll never know what she actually said. She walks out of the room, sobbing, “She’s just a blonde f***ing bitch with a tan”, presumably talking about Monique, as she’s never previously referred to herself in the third person.
Was that it? Was that THE WALKOUT? So the big dramatic scene was just…a woman leaving a room? Jesus Christ, Channel Ten.
It’s rose ceremony time. Nichole already has a rose, but is pissed off anyway. Elly has a rose too, but even if she didn’t she’d be feeling fine because she is an angel. Monique has a rose and is pretty much king of the world right now. All the women are feeling tense and nervous and in a mood to cut a bitch, because Matt is taking Monique to drive racecars or something and how DARE he. “I don’t give a shit,” says Nichole, after about an hour of us watching her do nothing but give shits all over the place.
TAFKAAG enters and reveals that three women will leave the mansion tonight, and return to a life of loneliness and insanity. Everyone is terrified of not getting a rose as it means they will be officially unattractive. Also most of them have hardly had any screen time this episode, so a lot of them do seem to be surplus to requirements.
Matt begins his weeding-out process.
He gives a rose to Chelsie, who you’ll remember as that one from the other night.
He gives a rose to Abbie, who is likewise.
He gives a rose to Kristin, because he still needs to brush up on his Mandarin.
He gives a rose to Helena, because she is vaguely memorable.
He gives a rose to Vakoo, because the wig is pretty nice.
He gives a rose to Isabelle, because it’s one of the names he remembers.
He gives a rose to Emma, because it’s still too early to kick out the Crazy One.
He gives a rose to Nikki, because he has terrible taste in women.
He gives a rose to Mary, because she gives the best cutaways.
He gives a rose to Julia, who is present.
He gives a rose to Rachael, because in the event of a flood they will need flotation devices.
He gives a rose to Sogand, because there is a diversity quota to maintain.
There are now only women whose names nobody knows left.
He gives a rose to Rhianna or Rihanna or Brianna, because she has a nice dress I suppose.
He gives a rose to Cassandra, who has yet to say one word on this show, and you’ve got admire that.
This means that the one with the tattoos, the one with the nice earrings, and the one who hasn’t done her hair, are all going home. It’s a sad moment, presumably, for someone.
“Monique is a snake,” says Nichole. “If she wants to play, I can play.” This means literally nothing, but it seems to give her some comfort to say it.
Tune in tomorrow, when everyone is really bitchy just for a change.