Previously on The Bachelor: Australia let out a collective gasp as Brooke dropped the startling bombshell that Channel 10’s marketing department is full of crap.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Nick teaches Jamie Lee how to catch a fly with chopsticks.
“The sun is shining, the birds are twerking,” says comedy genius Nick. “How’s the serenity?” he adds, and is immediately sued by Working Dog Productions.
Suddenly we’re on a racetrack, where Dasha, Sophie, Brittany and Brooke almost kill Nick and TAFKAAG with cars. The women exit the cars and remove their helmets, causing Nick to wax lyrical about their beauty. “It really makes my…” he says, and has to visibly fight himself to avoid saying, “old fella stick his head up and beg for his supper”. Instead he says, “heart flutter”, and a nation sighs in disappointment as a Wallaby compromises his values.
On today’s group date, the women must drive around some witches’ hats blindfolded, because Nick has sworn he will never fall in love with a woman who needs eyesight to operate a vehicle. They will be guided by Nick’s audio instructions. The winner will receive one-on-one time with Nick and a box of avocados, which is quite weird.
Sophie goes first. She hates driving, but she’s never done it blindfolded, so maybe that’s what’s been holding her back. Nick guides her slowly around the witches’ hats, but she bumps into the last one, which is very disappointing and cruels her chances at ever finding happiness.
Next is Brittany, who luckily doesn’t hear it when Nick accidentally calls her “Brooke”, but if she’s hoping to end up in a relationship with him, she better get used to that, because there’s no way he’s thinking about any woman but Brooke from now on.
Brittany proves to be very bad at driving without her eyes, partly because she doesn’t know the difference between left and right. It’s possible this could prove a handicap when it comes to driving without a blindfold as well, to be honest.
Brooke goes next and is, as in everything else she’s done so far, perfect.
Finally, there is Dasha. Dasha has never driven a manual car before, because this is the 21st century and there is no reason for manual cars to exist at all. As she violently crunches the gears and shadows grow long over the racetrack, the other bachelorettes laugh at her, but the joke’s on them: they are engaging in a hideous mockery of human relationships. But that’s old news I guess.
Back at the mansion the other bachelorettes have received an envelope. Cass is hoping her name is in it, because she’s sick of taking blood from Nick while he sleeps. “We have catching up to do,” she giggles,” but the last thing Nick wants to do is let Cass catch up with him. He’s bolting for the cornerpost right now.
Anyway the card is for Jamie Lee, who Nick barely knows and has no great interest in but who has one great attribute: she is not Cass.
Back at the racetrack, TAFKAAG demands that the women risk their lives by doing something called a “reverse flick”, which is where you drive the car backwards and then spin it around and stop on a big heart drawn on the road. Everyone remembers their teenage days when they’d draw a heart on the road and go hooning. This challenge has been designed to let Nick know whether the lady he chooses is able to do really dumb things.
First is Brittany, who misses the heart like a big fat loser. “I had the best time,” she says, which wasn’t the goddamn point.
Next is Dasha, who seems to have figured out manual driving to some extent, but who also misses the heart like an idiot. “I am so proud of myself,” she says, but she shouldn’t because she has failed.
Next is Brooke, who is perfect, duh.
Sophie is last. As well as hating driving, Sophie hates reversing, and claims to be unable to reverse in a straight line, so I don’t know how she’s ever left a car park. Sophie stuffs up royally and knocks down some witches’ hats, like the fool she is. “I’m proud of myself for facing my fear of reversing,” she chirrups, which may be the saddest thing anyone has ever said in the history of everything.
Anyway Nick chooses Sophie as the winner because she “went outside her comfort zone”, her “comfort zone” being “not sucking at things”. So Sophie gets an evening with Nick and a box of avocados. Sophie declares her intention to be more open, and Nick tells her that what she feels, and when she feels it, and how she feels it, and where she feels it, and…around there he loses his train of thought. Sophie tells him that whenever she’s with him she feels excited, and Nick says that he, too, finds her presence reasonably acceptable. Then he reveals that he has hidden a rose in the box of avocados, which means less room for avocados, so Sophie has been badly shortchanged.
Back at the mansion, Jamie Lee is excited and nervous for her single date with Nick: she hasn’t spent much time with him and needs to hurry to convince him that she’s the right girl to finish maybe fifth or sixth on the show.
Jamie Lee meets Nick in a forest. Nick asks her if she’s ever been to Japan. Jamie Lee admits she hasn’t, and Nick has a surprise for her: after today, she still won’t have. He takes her to a garden where two men are attacking each other with sticks. One of the men explains that though they have been fighting with wooden swords, Jamie Lee and Nick will be fighting with real swords, as is customary on dating shows. Jamie Lee is dubious as she isn’t really into sword fights. The unromantic cow.
The sword master teaches them how to draw their swords. Jamie Lee is very bad at drawing her sword, making Nick doubt whether she’s marriage material. “This is a lot harder than I thought it would be,” she confesses, though she doesn’t quantify exactly how hard she thought becoming a master sword fighter would be.
The next part of the date, disappointingly, involves no swords at all: instead Nick and Jamie Lee sit down on one of those sofas that keep mysteriously appearing in the woods, to get pissed on sake. “It’s important for Jamie Lee and me to hit it off right away,” says Nick, but he doesn’t say why: he can just tell her to piss off any time he wants.
Which he might, as Jamie Lee tells him she has a lot of trouble opening up, even when she wants to win a reality TV show and opening up is literally the only chance she has of not getting kicked out. Nick respects her choices, even as he wishes he was back with the swords, which have so far shown more personality than Jamie Lee.
The date feels like it lasts three hundred years to Nick and Jamie Lee, but through the magic of editing we only have to endure it for a few seconds, and they’re back to the mansion. The women ask Jamie Lee whether she got a rose and she says she didn’t and everyone sort of pulls a face and it’s really really awkward but the women rally round her and comfort her and agree to form a separatist feminist commune where Nick will never be allowed and asking people about their feelings will be punishable by death.
Meanwhile Nick has taken Emily aside for a private chat, relieved to finally be talking to someone who knows how to engage in a human conversation. I mean, I assume. I haven’t seen that much of Emily.
The women sit around and listen to Tenille panic. She’s afraid that the “human lie detector” – you know, the one who last night did no lie detecting at all – told Nick something awful about her, like that in 1971 she hijacked a Boeing 727 and parachuted out with $200,000, never to be seen again.
Having had a chat with Emily that was too dull to televise, Nick grabs Tenille for a chat, not necessarily about air piracy, just about stuff, you know? Nick finds it difficult to get past the walls Tenille puts up, much as he used to find it difficult to get past the New Zealand cover defence. Nick tells her that he’s trying to figure things out in a short amount of time but it’s hard when Tenille won’t open up and confess her many crimes. Tenille feels that Nick should make a bigger effort to crack her hard candy shell. She tells him he should be asking what he can do to get her to open up, which is literally what he is doing right now, but apparently he’s not doing it right. It becomes increasingly clear that she’s hinting that she won’t tell him anything unless he buys her a car.
Tenille walks away and bursts into tears. “I hate to see someone crying,” says Nick, but even though the obvious answer is to go away and not look at her, he heads out to comfort her, actually deliberately seeing someone crying that he didn’t have to. “I didn’t want to make a deal out of everything,” Tenille lies. She asks whether there’s any chance of Nick breaking down those walls that she for some reason is still keeping up even though keeping them up has caused the situation that made her cry. Nick believes there is no chance, and takes Tenille to the car, once again proving the essential truth of The Bachelor: the women are never allowed to get their possessions from the mansion before leaving, and presumably they are divided up amongst the remaining bachelorettes.
The women weep bitterly over the loss of Tenille, who they considered a friend for no apparent reason. There is no rose ceremony because a woman has already been sent home and there’s nobody as awful as Alisha and Brittney to kick out as a matter of urgency.
Tune in next week, when Cass is given a single date minutes before buying a gun.