Saturday the 6th of April marks the start of Autumn Carnival Racing at Royal Randwick in what is seen as the climax of the Australian racing season. This year, the Championships will also see the farewell of arguably the greatest racehorse to have ever graced the turf in Winx, but I’ll save that for day two’s preview as I fear this self-confessed racing tragic won’t make it through the article without smudging the digital ink with his digital tears.
Thoroughbred racing has always been thought to be an elegant affair (or that might just be the thoughts of our long lost British cousins), however, those who have ever attended The Melbourne Cup or The Golden Slipper will tell you that it is most definitely not the case, not nearly ever.
So in yours (and your partner’s) best interest, we’ve put together the top five dos & definitely-do-nots for this year’s Championships.
You’d think it would be easy to dress ‘farshunably’ right? It isn’t, especially for us fellas. A white shoe does not belong on a racetrack unless you’re planning on lining up against Usain Bolt in a post-retirement sprint off. Make sure the suit fits and always, ALWAYS match your belt to your shoes if your suit allows.
Now we’re all for an alcoholic beverage on race day and will most certainly be having a Mimosa (sans the OJ) come 10 am Saturday, but please don’t pass out in the Uber on the way to the racecourse. Nobody wants to see that, not the Uber driver and definitely not your mate who has to take you home and miss putting on that trifecta that will almost certainly come off.
Walk, Don’t Run
You may think you’re Winx, or even Black Caviar, but no matter how fast you run (or think you’re running after ten schooners) please don’t be that guy. Chances are you’ll not only lose your house keys and wallet but also your dignity when you stumble and fall pre-finish line.
Charge Your Phone
We’re SO lucky that phone batteries these days last for a bazillion years, but let’s face it, you’ll be giving Kylie Jenner a run for her money with the amount of Instagram Stories you’ll be doing about how much of a good day you’re having. You’ll be completely juiced come Race ten and in a whole world of pain if you’re sans phone and Uber-less.
The races are a great day, especially The Championships at Royal Randwick – there’s no experience like it. You’ll be feeling super schmick and like you’re ready to roll with the high-rollers, so enjoy yourself and don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.
Forget To Compliment Your Partner
We’ve all been there, and we mean ALL of us. No matter who your partner is, please do not forget to compliment her dress, his hair or that new pair of shoes that OF COURSE you should have noticed. If you do forget, you’ll be cleaning the toilet for the next four weeks so don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Push the Police Officer into the Garden bed
We’re not pointing fingers here, but a certain incident took place at the Melbourne Cup Carnival a couple of years ago where a frivolous racegoer thought it would be hilarious to do exactly that. Don’t do it, don’t even think about it because the hangover will be the least of your worries come Sunday morning.
Overindulge in the Corporate Suite
Those of us lucky enough to get work perks know that it’s bloody brilliant; but that Sunday night fear is very real (I’m talking from experience here guys) if you’ve spent too much time at the free bar and end up front and centre of the dance floor without a shirt. You can thank me later.
Get The Train or Bus Home
We’ve got nothing against Public Transport by any means, but post race day commuting can be an absolute NIGHTMARE. Think canned sardines meets a thousand and one boozed backpackers and you have yourself a more than interesting ride home. Opt for an Uber, Taxi or even a limousine (my personal favourite) as they’re not as expensive as you might think, particularly with a group.
Think You’re Conor McGregor
I’m going to keep this short and simple. Don’t be that guy, that moron, that egotistical meathead that thinks he can and should pick a fight with anyone for any reason. You’re better than that and we’ve come too far as a society than to still be dealing with drunken violence. It is just NOT ON.
Well, there you have it, your bible to day one of The Championships. Enjoy what will be a cracking day, and if we see you engaging in any of the do-nots, you’ll likely be getting a talking to.