Back Off Sweden, We Love Our Musk Sticks

You probably know by now that Sweden has declared Australia’s beloved lolly, the musk stick, an object of revulsion. In fact this happened late last year, when Sweden opened its “Disgusting Food Museum”. At least that’s what they’re calling it: a more honest name would be the “Vicious Unprovoked Attack on Australia Museum”.

Because let’s be honest, there’s always an ulterior motive with these snooty European types, isn’t there? Driven mad with jealousy by our balmy climate and friendly, laidback personalities, they forever seek to smear and slander us.

But this time, they have gone too far. They have gone after our musk sticks. These little pink sticks, both delicious and attractive to the eye, have been treasured as delicacies by generations of patriotic Australians, and we hold them as dear to our hearts as an American does his hot dog, a Frenchman his frogs’ legs, or an Englishman his hot dogs.

There are few sensations more pleasurable than biting into a musk stick and letting its sweet, aromatic tang embrace our taste buds like an old familiar lover. There are few greater ways of getting in touch with the very best of what it means to be Australian than by purchasing a ten-pack of muskies and gobbling them down.

But apparently musk sticks aren’t good enough for Sweden. No, the uppity Nords – who also object, apparently, to the similarly unfashionable yet delectable Vegemite, and witchetty grubs – see fit to look down their long chilly noses at our love of skinny pink sweetmeats. Not trendy enough, not stylish enough, not appropriate for their fancy parties in their high-ceilinged halls, where they hold their extravagant Viking revels. Or so I assume.

Well, Sweden, if you think you’re so great, so on the cutting edge of fabulous cuisine, so far advanced that you have no need of musk sticks: just what is it you DO like to eat? Huh? Let’s have a look at what Swedes consider “non-disgusting food”.

Firstly, Swedish cuisine contains plenty of fish, the slimiest of all meat categories. Secondly, there’s a lot of cabbage and turnip in their food, which apparently they consider tastier than musk sticks, even though neither cabbage or turnip is even edible to anyone whose winter lasts less than eleven months.

A major staple of Swedish food is lingonberry jam, a preserve made in Sweden because it’s too cold to grow anything nice to make jam out of. The lingonberry is a small berry that grows in frozen wastelands where people are grateful for literally anything to eat, and might in fact be reindeer dung for all we know.

Speaking of reindeer, Swedes eat those too. Yep. The ones from Santa’s sleigh. The lovely ones. Like in the movie Frozen. Those cute, friendly, intelligent creatures. Swedes just straight up eat them. Yet musk sticks? Beyond the pale!

Other popular Swedish dishes include gravlax – salmon served raw even though other countries have both discovered and harnessed fire; blodpalt – dumplings made out of blood, probably human; ketchup pasta – exactly what it sounds like, because Swedes are too lazy to make actual sauce; and polsa, which is like haggis but with no casing, so it’s basically just disembodied organs strewn across a plate.

These are things that Swedish people eat every day, while still having the temerity to fill their Disgusting Food Museum with dishes from OTHER countries.

Shame, Sweden, shame. Your hypocrisy is matched only by your capacity to think up new ways of cooking with blood. Well, Australia isn’t going to be your whipping boy anymore. I call on my fellow Australians to join me in a boycott of all Swedish foodstuffs starting now.

It shouldn’t be hard – the stuff is DISGUSTING.