Alrighty, we hear you, an article entirely about the common mistakes guys make in the bedroom isn’t for you. You’re just reading it to, you know … “double check”. Sure. Nothing wrong with that.
Or maybe you’re having a quick skim for a mate. That’s weird.
Whatever your motivation, the question of mistakes men make during sex is one that most blokes’ egos will prevent them from ever asking, but an important one to consider. Have a quick glance at Google and you’ll find myriad articles on mistakes in bed and how to have better sex, written by women for women, but very little in the way of sound advice for us blokes. We’ve touched on this fact before, and as always seek to fill in the gaps of the internet by bringing you the best damn man-advice on every possible topic.
Again, it’s probably an ego thing that stops many guys from ever considering that they may not be the local Errol Flynn. But it’s also 2018, and there’s little excuse to not care at least a tad about the mistakes men make in the bedroom, so strap in and have a read. You might even learn something.
This article is part of our Under the Covers Series
The Common Mistake of Untidy Wedding Tackle
Manscaping is far from a new concept, but one which still seems a stretch too far for many guys, and argubly the most common mistake guys make in the bedroom. The reality of it, however, is simple, basic hygiene – most girls tidy up their lady parts, at least to some extent, so it’s only fair to return the favour. An abundance of undesirable pubes can not only accentuate any odours (gross), your Johnson will look far more impressive if you remove the surrounding shrubbery (something, something wood-related pun something, something see the forest for the trees. You get the idea). It’s a simple combination of good grooming and good manners.
Sort yourself a decent pair of clippers and give your crotch a makeover. You don’t need to remove every whisker – just take most of the length out. You’ll be a changed man (and probably notice an uptick in your chances of getting a BJ on the reg. Word).
Skipping Past The Crucial Foreplay
This has been stated time and time again, but it’s still probably the most important ingredient in the whole equation, and an easily avoidable bedroom mistake. Spending some time to test the pitch and check the wickets before you toss the coin and start smacking any balls is crucial. Great sex should be treated like a test match, not a T20, to ensure she’s sated long after you’ve pulled up stumps.
Foreplay can take many forms, whether its kissing, touching, stroking, massage or oral sex, but setting some time to build up the excitement and anticipation before you get on the good foot and do the bad thing is essential. All still a bit confusing? A reassuring fact here is that most women are pretty open to the idea of telling you straight up what greases their gearbox, so if you’re ever unsure, try asking.
Scared of Heading South?
We talked a bit about this in our related article, The Man’s Guide to Keeping Things Interesting in The Bedroom, but it’s just as relevant here. Some blokes don’t like unchartered territory, and that’s fine: it’s why you have an article as excellent as this to guide you on your way to not making a mistake in the bedroom.
Now listen carefully: going downtown is 100% necessary. It’s the easiest way for women to reach climax, often multiple times, and there’s an art to it which, once perfected, will serve you for life. The best way to go about becoming a king of cunnilingus is to ask. Having a girl who’s cool with giving some direction talk you through it once is probably the best sex advice you will ever receive. If you’d like to do some homework first then women’s lifestyle site LiveAbout has a great how-to.
Think Silence is Golden? Big Mistake
Ever hear a band come out on stage and demand that: “Everybody in the house tonight make some noise!”? Well that’s because silence is the key indicator that you’re probably having a shit time, and nobody likes that. The mistake for most men here is they’re actually having a blast on the job, they just don’t know to voice their overall glee at getting it on. Making noise while you’re on the job is part and parcel of a good time behind closed doors.
You don’t need to wake the neighbours’ kids, but vocalising your enjoyment, or complimenting her while you’re making whoopee, is the easiest way to relax the two of you by sheer fact that you can go back to being less self conscious about the whole affair.
Not Finding The Clitoris is a Common Mistake
There’s a fantastic scene in the pilot episode of Showtime’s Californication where down-and-out auteur and misanthropy-prone protagonist Hank Moody tries to educate the bloke he’d cuckolded in a previous scene. Helpfully holding up two digits in a V-shape, he calls over the windscreen of his droptop 911: “Hey K-Fed, the little man in the boat? He’s up here!”
Etymologically speaking, “clitoris” derives from the Greek kleidí, which means “key”. There you go: it’s literally your key to a great romp, every time. With over 8,000 individual nerve endings in a skerrick of surface area (that’s twice as many as there are in a penis), it’s a sensitive cookie, and needs to be approached as such.
This is as much guidance as we’re willing to offer here, too. If you want to get really technical about the location of the elusive clitoris then you can spend a whole afternoon on the Wikipedia page devoted to its existence, or head over to this excellent read by HuffPost citing some fun facts. Once you’ve located your new best friend you’ll be fast on your way to having a much better time under the covers.
Finding The Clitoris, Then Not Knowing What to Do With it
Okay, so now you know where the little fella is, it’s time to become BFFs. Tongue-punching the general area for a few minutes is many a man’s misguided idea of good oral sex, but the reality is far from this. A few slow, well-placed licks around the clitoris, paired with careful use of the fingers to stimulate her G-Spot and you’re closer to the home-run of bringing the roof down.
And refer to our advice above re: ask-and-you-shall-receive. A little market research goes a long way.
Mistakenly Treating The G Spot Like A Second, Mystical Clitoris
The G-spot aka the Gräfenberg-spot was named after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, and scientifically speaking has never technically been proved to exist. Most women, however, would beg to differ, and finding it will open up a whole new dimension in the universe of female sexual stimulation.
Fingers are an important ingredient in the whole tongue / clitoris / G spot combo, and will help you locate the crucial area with ease, but that doesn’t mean you should use them like your junk. This is another example of something that Wikipedia can painstakingly explain better than most (with diagrams), but essentially you’re feeling for a spongy are behind the clitoris, about an inch or two in. Gently massaging this area while going down will score you extra points (and bring her much closer to the finishing line).
Not Cuddling Afterward is a Mistake
Another common bedroom mistake for guy is punching Zs as soon as they’ve finished. Whether you’ve just had a cheeky quickie or feel like you’ve run a marathon, taking the time to show a little post-coital affection is a must. Think of it as the post-match interview, it’s not a real match if you haven’t given full credit to the team. At the end of the day, it is what it is.
Summarising The Mistakes Men Make in The Bedroom
Having a basic understanding of how most guys cock things up (in one way or another) is the first step to becoming the bedroom god we all think we already are. By listening to the fairer sex once in a while, you’ll up your bragging rights and sleep comfortably knowing that you’re only getting rave reviews.
This article is part of our Under the Covers Series