Toffee, the Dating App for People Who Went To Private School, Has Landed in Australia

In efforts to fan the flames of raging class warfare that currently grip western civilization help like-minded singles who just want to hang out and have a good time with other people like themselves, a new dating app has been launched in Australia, and 65 per cent of the population is not welcome.

Australia is officially the second country to experience Toffee, a dating app designed exclusively for those who had rich parents were privately educated. And though they say true love conquers all, let’s be real: poor people are gross, and Tinder is full of riff-raff. I mean, like, you wouldn’t want to go on a date with somebody who went to a publicly-funded institution, right? So why waste time swiping through them on other, lesser apps? Toffee lets you skip the queue and go straight for the same predictable pack of homogenous Pure Blonde drinkers cream of the crop.

Co-creator of Toffee Dating and probably very nice person Lydia Davis has been quoted as saying: “In the UK, eight per cent of people are privately educated but in Australia, that number is around 35 per cent.”

“We felt that Australia would be the best place for us to roll out to first though as we were inundated with requests for us to launch there.”

Inundated.

The app itself seems straightforward enough: you download the little copper icon and fill in your details, which are then sent to Toffee HQ for review (my profile, Elwick Ponsonbury III from King’s College, is still pending). After that, users can swipe, just like Tinder or Bumble (though the bio section is structured more like Hinge, with random questions and answers), until they match and are encouraged to: “start the courting” (they actually say this).

Each profile allows the user to list their perfect dinner menu (starter, main, dessert then cheese), social calendar (you know: rugby, polo, afternoons on daddy’s yacht) and general interests. I’m assuming puffer vests also make a notable appearance.

Since launching in April last year in the UK, the app boasts 30,000 closed-minded, insufferably unimaginative drones active monthly users, and continues to grow. But not too much, because then it wouldn’t be nice and exclusive, right?

It seems so obvious that the only way to expand your chances of finding “the one” is by slimming your options down to people just like yourself, and Toffee allows you to do exactly that. Because everybody knows that where you went to school is the single most defining personality trait one can offer.

At least, for plenty of people who went to a private school (though certainly not all), it must be.