Tesla, a brand synonymous with speed, innovation, power and a thoroughly obnoxious CEO, has today announced its latest vehicle: the Cybertruck. The Cybertruck is, at face value, a cross between a standard pickup truck, and one of those flying things that go “PEW PEW PEW!” from those Star movies with the sand and the homosexual robots.
And during its launch event, CEO Elon Musk was left red-faced on stage as he nervously laughed off a serious fail.
While proving the strength of “Tesla Armour Glass”, Musk had a Chris Angel-esque character flounce around the stage in an overcoat, dropping a large ball bearing onto a pane of the ostensibly Very Hard To Break Glass from varying heights. This was a pretty good demo. Audience members, in fact, would have probably been happy to leave it there. But Musk then invited one of the muscular men on stage to try to break the glass in the actual truck, and … well, let’s just it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Here’s where it gets really funny, however: they then tried to demonstrate a second time and, lo and behold, we were treated to not one but two smashed Cybertruck windows.
Let me repeat that. After seeing the allegedly Very Hard To Break Glass turn to shards at the hands of one ball bearing, the CEO made a conscious decision, in front of a live audience of millions around the world, to let it happen again.
And it did.
Keeping his cool, and ever the optimist, Elon wryly smirked and said “We’ll fix it in post,” noting that the bearing didn’t get through the glass, before moving on to the car’s less unreliable qualities, like its ability to shred a Ford F-150 in a game of tug-o-war, or cream a Porsche 911 off the line in a straight-line drag race.
The Cybertruck, which genuinely looks a bit like a DMC DeLorean fucked a Hummer, and would really make more sense being driven by Charlize Theron’s Furiosa than a geeky tech CEO who lives in LA, is one of the bravest things we’ve seen Tesla announce. The company boasts the truck will have 3,500 pounds of payload capacity and adjustable air suspension, 100 cubic feet of exterior lockable storage, and a magic tonneau cover that is strong enough to stand on.
Oh, and 0-100 in under three seconds. Not bad specs at all, just watch out for those pesky loose rocks on the road.