The Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand And Eighteen will go down in history as one of the many years to have occurred during the course of the universe’s existence, and as such is particularly significant. If you had to sum up 2018 in one word, you might go with “harrowing”, “depressing”, “terrifying” or “agony”. If you had to sum up 2018 in one article covering the key events of the year, it would probably go something like this.
To Infinity and Beyond
Ruling the movie roost was Avengers: Infinity War, a colossal blockbuster about a brave man trying to save the universe from ecological disaster and the evil cabal of plutocrats and mutants trying to prevent a better world. As expected, it crushed all comers at the box office, proving the essential truth about superhero movies: they are awesome and everyone likes them.
The Shape of Victory
The cinema landscape in 2018 wasn’t all about the Avengers: unpopular movies had their moment in the sun too, at the Academy Awards, where Best Picture went to The Shape Of Water, a movie about a woman who has sex with a hyperintelligent fish. The other big prize went to Dunkirk for Best Sound Mixing, justifying the critics who called it “a game-changer in the sound mixing world.
The Small Screen
The Golden Age of Television showed no sign of slowing down in 2018, with prestige dramas like Take Me Out, Blind Date, and Love Island Australia taking the nation by storm. One of the biggest ratings winners was again My Kitchen Rules, which was won this year by two people whose names we forgot exactly eight minutes after the finale ended.
Possibly the biggest event in TV this year was The Bachelor, which saw knockabout Aussie bloke Nick “the honey badger” Cummins romance a series of women besides a series of bodies of water, before deciding he wasn’t in love with any of them, causing outrage among viewers who could think of nothing more despicable than a man who won’t pretend to be in love with a woman he’s not in love with.
With A Whimper
More disappointment for TV fans came with the series finale of House Of Cards, which set a new benchmark for limp endings by revealing the entire series had taken place inside Kevin Spacey’s snow globe.
Turning to the world of sport, the most significant event of the year, unless you lived in mainland Europe or the Americas or most of the rest of the world, was the ball-tampering scandal, in which Steve Smith and David Warner were suspended for telling Cam Bancroft to stick sandpaper down his pants, and Bancroft was banned for doing it. It sparked a serious discussion about the behaviour of the Australian cricket team, led by a battalion of ex-players who were known for their incredibly good behaviour throughout their entire lives.
Bound For Glory
Elsewhere in sport, the Sydney Roosters won the NRL premiership, leading to wild celebrations in their fans’ phone booth. The Roosters won despite the twin handicaps of Cooper Cronk having his arm amputated before the game, and Billy Slater being allowed to play for the Storm even though he’d murdered several people in the prelim.
Bound For Glory Again
The AFL Grand Final was won by West Coast, in a game most notable for the fact that Collingwood lost, so suck it.
The Olympics Only Not
The Commonwealth Games were held, if you can believe it, on the Gold Coast. Hundreds of athletes achieved the kind of victory that only the Commonwealth Games can provide – a mild, fairly unimpressive victory. The most exciting part of the Games was the fifty athletes who stayed in the country illegally after the event was finished – these were the true sporting heroes of 2018.
The Beautiful Game
In the obscure sport of soccer, the 2018 World Cup was won by Australia – in moral terms anyway. Commentators were agreed that the Socceroos showed pluck and tenacity beyond any other nation’s abilities. In technical terms, the final was won by some foreigners.
A Childish Pursuit
The most significant musical release of the year was undoubtedly “This Is America” by Childish Gambino, AKA Troy from Community. The searing track, and its brilliant music video, was a landmark in socially-aware music, and made millions of white people around the world feel wonderful for having watched it more than once and therefore cured their racism.
The other major musical development of 2018 was Kanye West’s continued ascension to a higher plane of existence. This was the year he announced he was officially changing his name to “YE”, visited the White House to French-kiss Donald Trump, and possibly released some music too, we’re not sure.
A Dog’s Brexit
In 2018, Brexit really got moving as, a mere two years after the British people voted to leave the European Union, the nation finally decided to continue arguing while doing nothing. Hopes are high that this inactivity will continue for at least another decade.
Cometh the Hour
No description of 2018 is complete without reference to Donald Trump, the man who rescued the American presidency from the quagmire of graciousness and statesmanship it had been stuck in for centuries. This year, Trump achieved many presidential milestones, mainly involving tweets about how he’s not a criminal. But in between he still found time to play golf, like the true athlete he is.
Back in Australia, though, politicians had no time to play golf, as they were too busy replacing each other. The prime ministership of Malcolm Turnbull, who lasted an impressive three years despite being menaced by the constant threat of principles. He could dodge his own beliefs, but he couldn’t dodge his own party: in the end, the Liberals, sick of having an unpopular leader, tried to remove him in favour of a less popular leader. However, Peter Dutton’s maths went wrong and instead, the party installed Scott Morrison, a slightly more popular less popular leader. Most analysts agreed that this was 2018 in microcosm – the ones who knew what “microcosm” meant, anyway.