Petition for Steve Smith & Ellyse Perry to be Made to Breed at Least 40 Children

This is one of those ideas that is just good common sense. As Australians, we know what is most important in life, and that is cricket. We also know that currently, we are blessed with two extraordinary talents in this area: Steve Smith and Ellyse Perry.

Perry is a complete freak of nature. For years she sustained dual careers as an international cricket and soccer player, and latterly, having focused on cricket as her primary occupation, she has elevated herself to ever higher echelons of almost-frightening achievement. In the recent Ashes series, she laid waste to England so effectively many of her teammates were able to relax and plan the victory parties without worrying about playing. With both bat and ball, she strikes fear into all who run across her.

Meanwhile, Smith, having returned from his stupidity-induced exile, instantly proved himself yet again to be Australia’s greatest batsman since Don Bradman. In fact, maybe he’s better than Bradman: the Don has the higher average, but he didn’t have to do it while also advertising Weet-Bix.

It’s great having two all-time legends playing for our country. But even these wondrous champions’ careers are finite. One day, our cricket teams will have to take the field without Smith or Perry, and it’s vital that as a nation we plan for the future so that national pride doesn’t go down the toilet when these two hang up their sunnies.

With that in mind, we urge you, with all possible dispatch, to sign this most patriotic and public-minded petition: “Steve Smith & Elyse Perry should be made to breed at least 40 children.”

How it will be done, when it will be done, and where it will be done, can be worked out later. Right now the crucial thing is getting the authorities to accept it as a priority. If you’re a true Australian, you’ll sign, and you’ll sign today.