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How To Be Sexually Dominant

Putting the 'D' in BDSM

Taking control. Getting what you want. Giving her pleasure while getting your own. These are all the things you can look forward to when being a dom in the bedroom. Though if you’re a little shy between the sheets, acting dominant with your woman can seem intimidating. Here is how you can be sexually dominant and add some power to your play…

Female mouth and fingers
Definition of Sexual Domination | Image: Gabriel Matula

What is the Definition of Sexual Domination?

Sexual domination involves a set of rituals and behaviours where you take control over a submissive other person (or people) during sexual play.

The other person is known as a submissive. The relationship between a ‘dom’ (the person in control) and a ‘sub’ (the person being taken control of) is a consensual one that can be as strict as bound by contracts, or as fluid as something you sprinkle onto your regular vanilla sexual programming.

The dom-sub relationship is a subset of term ‘BDSM’, which stands for bondage, dominance/submission, sadism, masochism. Today, we’re talking about the dom-sub relationship only.

Man kissing woman on her forehead as they wake up from bed
Get Consent | Image: Toa Heftiba

The dom-sub relationship is all about trust.

Imagine your once-loving husband throws you on the bed, puts his hand across your throat and forcefully tells you how he’s going to take you – scary, huh? This is why you must first get consent from your lady that this is something she wants to try.

Collarbone surrounded by warm lights
Setting the Scene and Your Roles | Image: 1958 & Co.

Setting the Scene and Your Roles

If dom-sub play is new to your relationship, it’s worth discussing what those roles mean for you both before any action is taken.

Talk about why you want to be a bit more forceful in the bedroom, and be sure to include her in the rationale. Reasons such as, ‘I am so attracted to you that sometimes I just want to tie you down and lick every inch of you until you beg me to make you cum’ make it about her while also introducing your fantasy.

Overhead shot of shirtless woman’s back
What’s OK? And What’s Not? | Image: Annie Spratt

What’s OK? And What’s Not?

Find out how she wants to be dominated too. Does she like to be spanked, tied up, talked dirty to, humiliated, held down… Discussing the many ways you can dominate will help to uncover what is OK and what’s not OK during play. Once you’ve aligned on some acts, then it’s time to talk specifics.

You must have a safe word. A safe word is a term that would not otherwise come up in sex, that once she says it, stops all activity and introduces after care. For instance, if you are spanking her and it gets too much, she might shout ‘Pineapple’ and you will immediately stop, cuddle her and lightly graze the area you’ve been spanking. She will let you know if/when it’s time to start up again.

The #1 rule – If She Says Stop, You Stop!

Ring and middle fingers poking the middle of a sliced pomelo
What are Dominant Acts | Image: Taras Chernus

What are Dominant Acts?

Some of the ways you can dominate your woman in the bedroom include:

  • Being firm and assertive with what you’re doing, letting her know you’re the one in charge
  • Pushing her into position – throwing her on the bed, against the wall, on the floor
  • Ripping her panties off or to the side to enter her
  • Talking dirty about what you’re going to do to her and why
  • Tying her up on the bed (use neckties or silk scarves and don’t tie too tight) and stimulating her without completion
  • Sensory deprivation, such as an eye mask or gag (use the tie again here, not a ball as these can be swallowed if not used correctly)
  • Getting her to dress up and ‘act’ for you
  • Humiliation in the form of spitting, urinating, defecating
Grayscale photo of man and woman kissing each other
Being Dominant Outside the Bedroom | Image: Zelle Duda

Being Dominant Outside the Bedroom

Now that you’ve had your fun in the bedroom (or bar, or office, or car…), it’s important to equalise the roles between yourself and your partner. Not doing so can unbalance the power between you both and create tension in the relationship.

Talk to your partner about what you enjoyed when you were role playing – be sure to focus on the why. Use language like, ‘I loved it when (I pushed you up against the wall and tore a hole in your panties) because it made me see (the desire that I have for your body).’ Making the reason something about you both encourages her to join you in being dominated again – you desire her and she trusts you, so she may let you have your way with her once more.

When it comes to doing the housework or choosing the television show later that day, though, be sure to ask her opinion and make her feel equal – you’re in charge in the bedroom, but not outside of it if you want the relationship to last.

Remember, like everything in the relationships – communication is key.

If you know 100 per cent that the sex you’re having isn’t hurting yourself or others – and that everyone involved (even peripherally) is having fun – then you can feel good about enjoying it!

Mahogany flogger
Sex & Mischief Mahogany Flogger | Image: Lovehoney

Top 5 Toys For Dominant Sex

Put your money (or a gag) where your mouth is and get yourself some toys to really spice up your sex life.

About the Author: Tammi Miller is a certified practising counsellor, founder of BARE Therapy, and author of Paperback Therapy: Therapist-approved tools and advice for mastering your mental health. The Sydney-based professional is a Provisional Member of the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia, and received her training at the Australian College of Applied Psychology (ACAP) in 2020.

Disclaimer: Man of Many is mainly for information purposes only. Materials on this website are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on this website. Read our full editorial policy here

Sexually Dominant FAQ

What is the meaning of sexually dominant?

Sexual domination involves a set of rituals and behaviours where you take control over a submissive other person (or people) during sexual play.

Is it good to be dominant?

Being dominant in bed can bring alot of pleasue to you and your partner. When being dominant it is important to follow certain rules such as getting consent, setting the roles, and knowing what is okay and what isnt for you and your partner.