If You’re Cooked, Get Off The Stove: NZ Firies Release Recipes for the Heavily Intoxicated

Shouting from across the ditch, New Zealand firies have a critical warning for all you Gordon Dram-says: If you’re cooked, drunk or high, stay off the bloody stove, mate! Supported by recipes to cook while you’re cooked, Fire and Emergency New Zealand has released a series of videos on YouTube as part of its initiative to prevent house fires. If you think they’re being a bit over-the-top, try not to burn yourself on these maybe not-so-fun fire-fighting facts: 1 in 4 house fires start in the kitchen, and 50% of all fatal house fires involve alcohol or drugs.

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To support them in their fight to get you off the stove, we’ll take you through their cookbook for all the at-home chefs under the influence of whatever old mate had on him at the club. You’re Cooked Stay Off The Stove is a Fire and Emergency New Zealand initiative to prevent house fires. Citing the afforementioned statistics, they’ve created a “buffet of recipes that don’t require an oven or stovetop”. These Kiwi Firies say their recipes can help “satiate the late-night cravings without burning the house down.”

Demonstrating these cooked culinary creations are unsuspecting New Zealanders stumbling home on a night out in town. Put in a pop-up kitchen and given easy-to-follow instructions, the videos reveal how clumsy we can be when we’re pickled.

Opening with a gentleman stumbling the words, “we’ve had a couple of wets”, and Habanera from the opera Carmen playing in the background, it’s clear these cooked cooks shouldn’t be anywhere near a stove. Fortunately, the recipes provided require no fire whatsoever, with the only heating appliances needed being a microwave or an air fryer and maybe a few leftovers too. There’s even a recipe titled “Forbidden Lasagna” that instructs cooked cooks to commandeer a roommate’s leftover food from the fridge.

While we leave you to moll over the morality of taking someone else’s food, here are some of our favourite recipes that you can cook while you’re cooked at home.

Uncanned Beans

If you’re not a fan of baked beans like I am, I recommend swapping them out for some Heinz Spaghetti. Otherwise, the recipe is essentially the same.

1. Toast bread.
2. Open can.
3. Place in a microwave-safe bowl.
4. Add spices like cumin, curry powder, and chilli powder.
5. Nuke ’em for 2 minutes, and remember to stir them at the one-minute mark to ensure they’re cooked through.
6. Butter your toast.
7. Add beans (or spaghetti).
8. Enjoy!

The Chugget (Chicken Nugget Sandwich)

This one brings back so many memories of fussy eating as a child. There’s nothing better than whatever mum pulls out of the freezer and a bit of tomato sauce on the side. But put them in between two slices of bread with some mayo, lettuce and maybe some tomato. How could you say no? Vegans and vegetarians, perhaps, but they can always swap out the nuggies for fries or hashbrowns.

1. Set the air fryer to 180˚c (no ovens allowed)
2. Cook nuggies as per instructions on the box
3. Get bread.
4. Add mayo, lettuce and tomato.
5. Add nuggies once cooked.
6. Enjoy!

Jacked Fairy Bread

Yes, even the Kiwis love sprinkling buttered bread with hundreds and thousands. However, this one comes with a different down-under twist.

1. Butter as many slices of bread as you can (that’s literally the instruction).
2. Crush an entire pack of hundreds and thousands biscuits (yes, biscuits, not just the sprinkles).
3. Crumble the biscuit bits over the buttered bread, then cover it with the sprinkles.
4. Relive your childhood.

Kiwi Onion Carbonara

Take your drunken instant noodles to the next level with a recipe that can be paired with thick-cut potato chips!

1. Boil kettle.
2. Place instant noodles in a bowl.
3. Pour in boiled water.
4. Drain the water once cooked (lol, get it?).
5. Add onion soup mix and a dash of cream.
6. Stir well.
7. Crack an egg yolk and mix it.

Always remember getting distracted while cooking is a recipe for disaster. If you’re cooked, stay off the stove. You can check out more of these hilarious recipes on the Fire and Emergency New Zealand website.