Previously on The Bachelor: the ads made a big frigging deal about something and it turned out to be nothing, and Elly rode a horse.
Tonight on The Bachelor: Abbie dry humps Matt.
It’s a beautiful day on Sydney Harbour, and Monique is standing next to a tree. Then she’s walking, to stand next to another tree. She is looking forward to her single date with Matt. “I don’t usually kiss on the first date: I’m quite traditional,” she reveals. Another fun fact about Monique: she is a contestant on reality TV show The Bachelor.
Matt shows up in a cool red car a la Ferris Bueller, a car which he does not own, the presence of which on the show has not involved him in any way. The car makes an unpleasant noise as he drives Monique to their secret date destination: an airfield. Yes, it is finally time for Monique to get her pilot’s licence.
“Oh my God,” says Monique as Matt opens a hangar to reveal two light aeroplanes which have been organised by someone else without his involvement. “This is definitely the first date I’ve ever been on,” says Monique, who hardly ever meets a man who will let her engage in aerobatics that early in the relationship.
Back at the mansion, Elly is popping out of her top but it’s a waste because Matt isn’t even there. A group date card has arrived, and a group of women have been selected. Emma is one of them, which is a big relief because she’s getting sick of spending every night lying awake in bed dragging a knife across her cheek.
Elly has not been selected for the group date, because Matt figured that after wandering around a deserted racecourse she’s had enough excitement to last her a lifetime.
Meanwhile, at the airfield, Matt and Monique meet a serious pilot man who tells them that in the planes, they can get up to “eight Gs”, and goes on to teach them how to vomit in a bag: useful information both for this date and for anyone watching the show. Matt hops into a plane and Monique hops into the other one, and they excitedly take off, ready to pretend to kill each other in the sky. Sadly, they’re not actually flying the planes themselves, which is a bit dull as it greatly diminishes the chances of a crash.
As the two aircraft spew mind-altering chemtrails into the air above the Harbour Bridge, Matt’s mind boggles at the incredible capacity of man to reach ever greater heights of technological achievement. Or to put it another way, he’s like “wow, we up in the sky eh!”
The planes begin to flip and twirl and stuff and apparently this is some kind of combat manoeuvre but without any guns it’s fairly unimpressive. They seem to enjoy it though, which is the main thing.
After landing, Monique jumps up on Matt like a big blonde chimp, and they head off to take off the flight suits and continue with the rest of the date which will presumably involve a couch.
Yep, a couch. A couch in a hangar. Why the hell not. There are also lots of candles despite the clear presence of plentiful electric lighting. I don’t know who they think they’re kidding with this candle shit, but I guess one of the producers owned a candle company that went bust with a large amount of unsold inventory.
Sitting on the couch, Matt and Monique drink heavily, while she tells him about her failed relationships and her ambitions and her smokin’ bod. They share stories about their time working in the mines, where they contracted the black lung that will shortly kill them both. Matt tells Monique that she is very confident and attractive and he finds that intimidating because he is neither. Frankly, he is terrified by her. “I’m so into him,” says Monique, who gets off on men being scared of her.
Matt gives a Monique a rose, because you do not send those boobs away lightly. Then they kiss deeply, despite Monique’s strict traditional outlook on life. She will be shunned when she gets back from Rumspringa.
“I can’t remember the last time I went on a date,” says Monique, weirdly. I mean…it was today. Just then. Technically, she’s still on it.
“She’s everything I’m looking for,” says Matt, and therefore calls off the rest of the show as there’s no need to keep looking. Only joking, he has loads more women to feel up before he’s done.
Monique arrives back at the mansion, to Nichole’s sourest expression. Which is saying something given Nichole’s face is permanently lemon-sucking. Monique tells the women what a great day she had. “It sounds like Monique had more fun on the plane than hanging out with Matt,” says Sogand. Well yeah, of course she did! Have you met Matt, Sogand? There’s not a person on earth who wouldn’t have more fun in a plane than hanging out with him. Planes are awesome!
The next day dawns, and the group date women meet Matt and TAFKAAG on a lawn, alongside some fruity fellow in a blue blazer. It’s time for the traditional Bachelor photoshoot date. All the women squeal hysterically at this news: they know the photoshoot is the best group date because you get to rub your crotches together while they’re taking the photos.
The fruity fellow is the editor of TV Week magazine. “Any advice for the ladies?” TAFKAAG asks him. “Yes,” he replies, “don’t pursue a career in print media, it’s a dying industry.”
Mary squeals. “I can’t believe the group date is a photoshoot!” she exclaims even though this happens every year. She is sure she will win the one-on-one time with Matt that will be the prize for the girl who gives Matt the most noticeable erection. She won’t, though: she’s really just there for expert comments.
The first photo is “Snow White”, starring Isabelle as Snow White, Helena as the evil queen, and Rachael and Nichole as…labourers? OK, whatever. Rachael gives a blow-by-blow account of how awful Isabelle and Helena look because that’s our brand. Isabelle doesn’t like having to have her eyes closed while Matt pretends to bring her back to life by kissing her, but at least she doesn’t have to wear a hard hat and a flanny. There is very little opportunity for frottage in this particular shoot.
The next one is Cinderella and the wicked stepsisters. I believe in the story they were UGLY stepsisters, so it’s really non-canon to not have them made up to look hideous. Emma gets to be Cinderella, because if she’d been made to be a stepsister she probably would’ve burnt the house down. Mary is not happy that she is covered up in a dowdy old-timey blouse, so she opens it up and shows everyone her bra. She looks deeply into Matt’s eyes, refusing to blink. It’s kind of unsettling actually: she may have some kind of reptile in her family tree. Observing the Cinderella photoshoot, Rachael says it was incredibly painful to watch and “all sorts of wrong”. She’s so disgusted one of her cheek muscles almost moves. Sogand also looks into Matt’s eyes, but not the way Mary did. Sogand does more a shop-window dummy thing. We don’t get to see Matt stare into Emma’s eyes, possibly because she spits blood out of them.
The next shoot is with Cassandra, and they’re doing…I dunno, Romeo and Juliet or something. This is an ideal opportunity for Matt, and the rest of the country, to try to remember who Cassandra is. For reference, she is the little one who never talks. The other women, looking on, see no chemistry, and discuss how Cassandra looks like “a f***ing little kid”, and they all have a good laugh at another woman’s expense, because they are, at heart, very bad people. Rachael once again says she feels uncomfortable, but that might just be because she’s afraid the night air will melt her face.
Finally we have Vakoo as Cleopatra, who frankly looks freaking amazing. Abbie is there playing the part of the woman who waves a feather over Cleopatra, a role she does not take to with great enthusiasm. It’s with greater gusto that she takes to the role of the woman who kneels down and looks at Matt and gropes his leg and touches his face for no particular reason. As the other women watch, they can see that Abbie’s powerfully off-script improvising is having an enormous effect on Matt, who is rapidly going through pair after pair of trousers. They are not impressed. “She’s holding his hand!” they hiss at each other, in the manner in which one might say, “She’s oiling his nipples!”
Abbie and Matt’s faces are dangerously close to each other. “All I can think about is kissing her,” Matt says, unable to even think about astrophysics or banking. Every woman watching is open-mouthed, cursing herself that Abbie thought of such a great tactic before they did. “Of course!” they cry, slapping their foreheads. “Be sexy! Why didn’t I think of that? Men love sexiness!”
It is time for the cocktail party. The women ask each other if they had chemistry with Matt. They answer that yes, they did. TAFKAAG enters, brushing off the dirt from his underground lair, and reveals that one of the women will meet Matt in the orchard for some special time with Matt. He has a card with two names on it: Abbie and Sogand. The women must vote which of those two gets to go to the orchard.
Abbie begins lobbying, telling the others that she hasn’t had much alone time with Matt yet, and that after the photoshoot she is pregnant, so they should really discuss their options. Mary and Vakoo agree that the best thing to do is to send Abbie down so Matt can realise what a straight-up ho she is. They explain this plan to Sogand, who is not impressed in the slightest.
The votes are cast. TAFKAAG returns from his pod to tally them. Fourteen women voted for Abbie, mostly hoping she’ll sabotage herself by being too slutty. Sogand is devastated. She hasn’t been this upset since she found out there was another Persian woman in existence.
Matt is waiting in the orchard with the obligatory couch and three hundred candles. Matt puts on his glasses. Abbie finds the glasses sexy as hell because they make him look like Stephen Hawking. He tells her that he exercised a lot of self-control during the photoshoot, not having whipped his dick out even once. They kiss.
They kiss some more. They have a bit of a laugh together and take a drink.
Back inside everyone agrees that sexual chemistry isn’t everything and Matt will probably get bored of Abbie soon.
Back in the orchard, Abbie and Matt kiss some more.
Back inside, Sogand opines that Abbie is not the right girl for Matt, something that she – as a woman who has had up to two conversations with him – is an expert on.
Back in the orchard, Abbie and Matt do some kissing. Then some more kissing. Then some more kissing.
There’s that frigging llama again! What is going on there?
Abbie returns to the house, entering with a rose and without the lipstick she was wearing when she left. She tells the other women about the vigorous workout her tongue just got. Sogand is outraged. “She was just around the corner, making out with our boyfriend!” she protests, demonstrating a level of delusion quite impressive even by the standards of this show. She finds it “disrespectful” that a woman who goes on a TV show to land a man would just kiss him, without thinking about the feelings of her direct competitors. Abbie’s just like one of those footballers who kicks goals without even asking the other team whether they’d mind. Monique expresses her anger that Abbie kissed Matt after saying that she wasn’t going to kiss Matt, but if you believed her when she said that, that’s your fault for being a dickhead. Meanwhile Elly doesn’t mind at all, because she thinks it’s only fair Matt get to know every girl before making a decision. See? Elly is The One.
It’s rose ceremony time. TAFKAAG comes in and drops some leery hints about Abbie’s makeout session. She and Monique are safe with their roses. Fifteen women don’t have roses. There are fourteen roses. Someone is about to be thrust headfirst into lifelong spinsterhood.
Matt enters, takes a deep breath, and prepares to rank how horny each woman has gotten him so far.
He gives a rose to Emma, because we still haven’t got to the part where she massacres the bullies at the prom.
He gives a rose to Nikki, because…I got nothing, sorry. But I assume he has some reason.
He gives a rose to Elly because she is The One.
He gives a rose to Mary, because she’s, you know, kind of fun I guess.
He gives a rose to Nichole, because hatred is the fuel on which this show runs.
He gives a rose to Chelsie, as a consolation prize for not being in this episode at all.
He gives a rose to Cassandra, because he wants to have at least one conversation with her before kicking her out.
He gives a rose to Julia, who arrived on this show at some point.
He gives a rose to Sogand, because there’s a limit to how long you can torture a woman.
He gives a rose to Kristin, because the Chinese lessons are actually going really well.
He gives a rose to Rachael, because a major collagen manufacturer is sponsoring this show.
He gives a rose to Brianna, who…her name is Brianna, I am almost certain now.
He gives a rose to Helena, because she is almost exotic.
He gives a rose to Vakoo, because she is obviously the right choice. Vakoo bursts into tears, as she’d convinced herself she was going to be rejected all because of Abbie’s adventurous tongue. She was left till last because Matt enjoys making women suffer.
This means Isabelle is going home, which upsets her but causes nobody else to feel anything at all because who is Isabelle anyway? “Love you all so much!” she calls to the strangers she briefly met as she leaves.
Tune in next week, when bitches be cray.