We’re leading with this for our Tinder guide as it’s the first thing most people f*ck up. If you want a good indicator of what not to write, grab one of your girl friends’ phones and have a look at the dreck she’s forced to filter through to meet Prince Charming (or even Prince Not-A-Totally-Shit-Bloke). The biggest mistake most guys make is thinking that they’re the funniest dudes on Tinder. She’s flicking through hundreds and hundreds just like you, so statistically, your chances of being the best of any niche skill are slim to none – let alone funniest. Focus on not sounding like a wanker as much as possible. This may sound like a negative approach, but it’ll set you apart.

Okay – here’s the thing about photos on Tinder. Everything that you think looks cool, she doesn’t. Avoid photos of yourself next to fish you’ve caught, tigers in Thailand and hiking Machu Pichu. Pretty much everybody on Tinder has the same photos; use this fact to your advantage and set yourself apart from the pack. A photo with a dog is a proven must, but have a backstory about the dog ready to go (and make it sound believable).

It’s time to talk about realistic expectations. After much head-scratching over how to monetise the hugely-popular app a couple of years after they’d launched it, in March 2015 the company behind Tinder announced Tinder Plus. While this service did add new, extra features for guys who were willing to shell out a little cash-ola for the privilege, it created these privileges in part by way of restricting access for non-subscription users. In short, you couldn’t just ‘spray ‘n pray’ anymore by swiping every single profile in a ten mile radius and seeing what filtered through the cracks and then blocking ones you didn’t like (we all did this, let’s be real).

One of the things people seem to struggle with the most is how to start a conversation (humankind’s profound desire to avoid actual talking is sometimes staggering, and the reason this app exists in the first bloody place, remember?). The opening line is important, because it’s the final barrier she has to overcome before deciding that you’re not totally unshaggable – and anybody who’s spent longer than a day on Tinder knows that chicks are fickle AF, so the likelihood of getting a reply is actually pretty slim for many blokes.

Penultimately, there’s really only one Tinder tip to be offered here about what to do face-to-face, and given how glaringly obvious it is it’s amazing how many people still commit this one heinous crime of Tinder dates. When you’re on an actual date, with a real-life human woman, don’t, FFS just please don’t – talk about goddamn Tinder. The hard part is over; put your phone in your pocket where it belongs (and keep it there for the night). Talking about Tinder only removes the human element you’ve spent so much time trying to nail (literally), so there’s no need for it.

Whether you’ve found true love or just got bored, the “delete my account” feature of the app is one of the best things they ever did. Here’s the thing you need to know about Tinder: just because you uninstall the app, doesn’t mean you’ve expunged your digital pick-up paw-prints, which can make things tricky in a few months time when your new flame’s spinster bestie sees your mug while she’s having a flick. You’ll need to go to the little cog-shaped setting button in your own profile page, scroll to the bottom and hit “delete account”. Deleting your account means that you’ll lose all of your matches as well as your profile, but you also have the option of “pausing” your account. It’s kinda the same thing, but with the added advantage of being able to re-download and re-activate whenever you like –  in case you’re not completely sold on the new missus yet, or even just need a break from Tinder (and amen to that).