The Autoblow A.I is the World’s First Sex Toy to Employ Artificial Intelligence, and Boy Does it Suck

I do love a click-baity title, but when I say that this product sucks, I mean it in the literal sense; the same way all vacuum cleaners technically suck. TRIGGER WARNING: More BJ puns ahead.

Some people are born great. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Others, however, invent a machine that’ll dead set give you a blowie that’s as fair-dinkum as the real deal, and this is but one way in which greatness can be achieved.

Meet Brian Sloan, a law graduate who, after university, turned his hand to helping others masturbate, realising that by creating sex toys, he’d be able to get more people off than if he was a defence attorney.

Literally millions more.

He made headlines a few years back with his Autoblow 2, a widely reported automatic blowjob machine which blew people away, and damn near broke the internet.

Now, armed with feedback from a huge number of (very) happy customers, Brian has gone one better and created a new blowjob machine, that uses the power of artificial intelligence (yes, that same scary one that will probably turn on us a la I, Robot, one day, but for the meantime can drive us home when we’re drunk. Kind of.) to give the best damn hummer for which a man could beg.

Except, thanks to Brian, beg he need not.

The natural inevitability of evolution inevitably leads to the advancement of humankind as a species, and its ability to innovate. Technology then, in turn, becomes more and more complex, and acts as a catalyst to further benefit its end users faster than evolution could have done, alone, in the first place. The Autoblow A.I. is one such example of this circle of scientific achievement, crafted for no reason other than to put a smile on people’s (well, guys’) faces.

The design team behind this sucker watched, and I swear I am not making this up (though they might be), six thousand minutes of pornography (very specifically blowjob scenes), to write code which then, in turn, gets translated to the hardware in the device, so that it can feel like a human. And not just any human; a pornstar, it would seem.

True or not, some people will swallow anything, and who are we to question such a noble cause?

According to the campaign page currently running on Indiegogo, the Autoblow A.I., a “patent pending penis stroking mechanism” (way to make it sound sexy, huh), performs 16 oral sex techniques that the design team discovered using artificial intelligence. The machine can move its soft sleeve and carriage between any of 250 different points at a variety of velocities, unlocking sensations previously caused only by humans.  There’s even an “edging” feature, which allows users to pause movement at any time to prolong enjoyment, or to practice lasting longer when they’re with a real-live actual human person.

Available for pre-order on indiegogo for three more weeks, the Autoblow A.I. will set you back a surprisingly low USD$139 plus shipping if you get in early, though the RRP once it’s gone into production will be USD$249: still a bargain when you think about the hours of fun you’ll be having.

Oh, and the Autoblow A.I. is shipped in plain brown boxes with a third party warehouse return address, so one will know what’s inside the parcel you inevitably accidentally order to your office address.

While many might proffer that inventing a machine that’ll suck you off does not a great man make, we would strongly beg to differ, and salute Brian Sloan for his innovative approach to a complex yet common problem.

Life is, after all, different strokes for different folks, right?

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