How To Be Sexually Dominant

Putting the 'D' in BDSM

Taking control. Getting what you want. Giving her pleasure while getting your own.

These are all the things you can look forward to when being a dom in the bedroom. Though if you’re a little shy between the sheets, acting dominant with your woman can seem intimidating. Here is how you can be sexually dominant and add some power to your play…

What is the Definition of Sexual Domination?

Sexual domination involves a set of rituals and behaviours where you take control over a submissive other person (or people) during sexual play.

The other person is known as a submissive. The relationship between a ‘dom’ (the person in control) and a ‘sub’ (the person being taken control of) is a consensual one that can be as strict as bound by contracts, or as fluid as something you sprinkle onto your regular vanilla sexual programming.

The dom-sub relationship is a subset of term ‘BDSM’, which stands for bondage, dominance/submission, sadism, masochism. Today, we’re talking about the dom-sub relationship only.

The dom-sub relationship is all about trust.

Imagine your once-loving husband throws you on the bed, puts his hand across your throat and forcefully tells you how he’s going to take you – scary, huh? This is why you must first get consent from your lady that this is something she wants to try.

Setting the Scene and Your Roles

If dom-sub play is new to your relationship, it’s worth discussing what those roles mean for you both before any action is taken.

Talk about why you want to be a bit more forceful in the bedroom, and be sure to include her in the rationale. Reasons such as, ‘I am so attracted to you that sometimes I just want to tie you down and lick every inch of you until you beg me to make you cum’ make it about her while also introducing your fantasy.

What’s OK? And What’s Not?

Find out how she wants to be dominated too. Does she like to be spanked, tied up, talked dirty to, humiliated, held down… Discussing the many ways you can dominate will help to uncover what is OK and what’s not OK during play. Once you’ve aligned on some acts, then it’s time to talk specifics.

You must have a safe word. A safe word is a term that would not otherwise come up in sex, that once she says it, stops all activity and introduces after care. For instance, if you are spanking her and it gets too much, she might shout ‘Pineapple’ and you will immediately stop, cuddle her and lightly graze the area you’ve been spanking. She will let you know if/when it’s time to start up again.

The #1 rule – If She Says Stop, You Stop!

What are Dominant Acts?

Some of the ways you can dominate your woman in the bedroom include:

  • Being firm and assertive with what you’re doing, letting her know you’re the one in charge
  • Pushing her into position – throwing her on the bed, against the wall, on the floor
  • Ripping her panties off or to the side to enter her
  • Talking dirty about what you’re going to do to her and why
  • Tying her up on the bed (use neckties or silk scarves and don’t tie too tight) and stimulating her without completion
  • Sensory deprivation, such as an eye mask or gag (use the tie again here, not a ball as these can be swallowed if not used correctly)
  • Getting her to dress up and ‘act’ for you
  • Humiliation in the form of spitting, urinating, defecating

Being Dominant Outside the Bedroom

Now that you’ve had your fun in the bedroom (or bar, or office, or car…), it’s important to equalise the roles between yourself and your partner. Not doing so can unbalance the power between you both and create tension in the relationship.

Talk to your partner about what you enjoyed when you were role playing – be sure to focus on the why. Use language like, ‘I loved it when (I pushed you up against the wall and tore a hole in your panties) because it made me see (the desire that I have for your body).’ Making the reason something about you both encourages her to join you in being dominated again – you desire her and she trusts you, so she may let you have your way with her once more.

When it comes to doing the housework or choosing the television show later that day, though, be sure to ask her opinion and make her feel equal – you’re in charge in the bedroom, but not outside of it if you want the relationship to last.

Remember, like everything in the relationships – communication is key.

If you know 100 per cent that the sex you’re having isn’t hurting yourself or others – and that everyone involved (even peripherally) is having fun – then you can feel good about enjoying it!

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BARE Sexology is a sex and relationships education platform. Follow the pleasure via @baresexology.