Updated:
Readtime: 9 min
The Lowdown:
With new data showing half of men over 40 want to prioritise and improve communication in their relationships, we spoke with relationship expert Susie Kim to lock down a practical playbook on how to express your needs, set boundaries, and connect without fighting.
Every product is carefully selected by our editors and experts. If you buy from a link, we may earn a commission. Learn more. For more information on how we test products, click here.
- Improving your relationship communication skills is a learned discipline that requires practice, not an innate trait.
- Setting boundaries in a relationship is about defining your own personal limits, not controlling your partner’s behaviour.
- The easiest way to master how to talk about intimacy is leading with appreciation and affection before asking for adjustments.
- When learning how to communicate with your partner, frame challenges as a team effort to prevent them from getting defensive.
There’s nothing quite like the specific anxiety of knowing you need to bring up an important topic but not knowing how to communicate with your partner – opening your mouth to speak, and realising you have no idea what to say or how to say it. So instead of opening up, you retreat into silence, change the subject, or push the tension down to be dealt with another day.
The intention is clearly there, but there’s still a massive, frustrating gulf between wanting to be a better partner and knowing how to navigate potentially difficult conversations without the whole thing starting to feel forced, uncomfortable, or like a performance review.
To figure out how to bridge that gap and improve communication in your relationships, we spoke with Susie Kim, eharmony’s resident dating and relationship expert. According to Susie, masterclass-level communication isn’t some innate personality trait that you’re either born with or you miss out on entirely.
It’s actually a skill set that you can learn and practice. So, if you’re ready to take command of your relationship dynamics, here’s the ultimate playbook on how to really communicate with your partner, straight from a dating and relationship expert.
Why Relationship Communication Skills are Just Like Any Other Discipline
Recent data from eharmony shows communication is the top lesson many have taken from previous relationships, with 48% saying they’ve learned to value it more.
But while men may have the intention to communicate more, there’s a big gap between wanting to do it, and knowing where to start.
According to Susie, the biggest mistake most men make is viewing relationship communication as this massive, abstract idea that you either naturally get right or wrong. When a concept feels this massive, it’s easy to get overwhelmed before you even open your mouth. The trick is breaking it down into a logical framework.
“A lot of men haven’t realised that there are ways to learn communication in a step-by-step, logical way, and that these are actually skills you have to practice in situ. What helps is breaking it down into concrete, learnable skills: understanding your own needs, expressing them clearly, listening so the other person feels genuinely heard, showing appreciation, knowing how to communicate to soften potential conflict or initiate repair.”
If you treat communication like mastering any other discipline in your life, the pressure drops significantly. Think about it this way: you don’t just walk onto a field and play a perfect match without practising the basic drills.
How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
While men are statistically far more open to trying new things as they get older, eharmony’s insights highlight a distinct roadblock in the fact that men are far less comfortable expressing their own boundaries. Part of the problem is that men completely misunderstand what a boundary actually is, often confusing it with a demand or a restriction placed on someone else.
“Boundaries in relationships are simply your personal limits – what feels okay for you and what doesn’t. People often confuse boundaries with requests, but they’re different. A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behaviour, it’s about knowing what you will and won’t do if your limits are crossed.”
Whether it’s personal space, money, or sex, speaking up requires navigating a distinct cultural roadblock for blokes.
“In general, men aren’t encouraged to identify and voice their desires and boundaries, especially within relationships,” Susie says. “It can often feel quite vulnerable and clunky at first, but it’s really a matter of being okay with the awkwardness so you can improve the level of communication and connection in your relationship.”
How to Talk About Intimacy Without the High-Stakes Pressure
Conversations around intimacy are notoriously easy to avoid until frustration builds up. If you want a smooth, low-pressure entry point, Susie suggests flipping the script entirely.
“A low-stakes way in is to start with appreciation and affection. Sharing what is working and what you’re enjoying in your intimacy is always fun for both of you. It naturally creates a pathway to further conversations about intimacy, including what you’re wanting more of, or wanting to explore.”
Once you have established a positive, secure tone, you can bring up the things you want to explore or adjust, but the key is to always explain the deeper meaning behind your desires.
“Share not only what you’re wanting more of or less of, but why – what does that mean for you, how would it make you feel,” Susie advises. “That takes the conversation from just a list of preferences to something your partner can emotionally connect to.”
Figure Out Your Needs Before Learning How to Communicate with Your Partner
Before you can expect your partner to understand what you need, you have to be completely honest with yourself first because intimacy looks completely different for everyone. It also tends to change and evolve as you move through different life stages.
” means getting a good understanding of what intimacy actually means to you now, not what you think it should mean. For some men, it’s about physical affection, for others it’s uninterrupted time together or feeling desired and connected, for others, it’s feeling deeply understood.”
Taking the time to figure out your own personal intimacy blueprint means that when you finally do sit down to talk with your partner, explaining your needs will feel a lot less awkward or confusing.
Remember: It’s Not a Performance Review
Nobody wants to feel like they are being formally audited by the person they love, and if your relationship talks feel like an end-of-quarter corporate briefing, your partner is going to get defensive immediately. Susie’s strategy is to frame each discussion as a team effort where you are both working toward the same goal.
“The key is to make it feel like a two-way conversation rather than a critique,” Susie says. “The idea is that you’re taking a team approach to an important area of your relationship – neither person is right or wrong, it’s more about getting to know each other’s needs, desires, fears and boundaries along the way. Take turns, keep it focused and end by choosing just one thing you can action together.”
To keep these chats constructive, you can use a simple, structured flow:
- Start with what’s currently working well
- Introduce what you’d like to explore or change
- Explain what that change means to you personally
- Hold space for any fears or boundaries you both might have
She also notes you don’t have to resolve everything in one conversation, which can help take some of the pressure off.
“If you can learn to bring up relationship challenges early, calmly and with a team approach, it’s much less about a performance review and more about strengthening the connection,” she adds.
Your Practical Challenge for The Week
If you want to immediately level up the emotional and intimate connection in your relationship over the next week, Susie has a practical challenge that has nothing to do with scheduling a heavy, formal talk or changing anything in the bedroom.
“One practical thing you can do this week is write down for yourself a list of things you genuinely love and appreciate about your partner. It doesn’t have to be about intimacy specifically; it could be about anything.
“Then start saying these to your partner throughout the day – it could be in a text, in the morning over coffee, before you go to sleep. It’s a way to keep the emotional and intimate fire alive outside of the bedroom.”
Common Questions About Communicating in a Relationship
According to relationship experts, the four foundational communication pillars are active listening, expressing clear boundaries, showing appreciation, and approaching conflict as a team rather than opponents.
Expressing a boundary is about defining your own personal limits and actions, not restricting your partner’s choices. Frame a boundary around what you will do to protect your peace, rather than making demands of the other person.
Fixing a breakdown in communication starts with lowering the stakes and moving away from heavy, formal discussions. Begin by scheduling short, regular check-ins when you are both calm, lead with appreciation for what is working, and focus on fixing one small relationship dynamic at a time as a team.
The healthiest approach is to use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs rather than “you” statements that sound accusatory. Time the conversation carefully—avoiding stressful moments like work hours or late nights—and clearly state your positive intent for the relationship before diving into the issue.
Related reads
Comments
We love hearing from you. or to leave a comment.