One time, a friend’s boyfriend said she reminded him of her mother. During sex. While he was inside her. Hopefully, you can understand why this wasn’t received well*, though sometimes the line on what to say and what not to say in bed can be blurred.
Here, we’ve asked four women (and one man) what they definitively would hate to hear while having sex.
1. “Did you come?” or “Are you close?” within the first 60 seconds
I’m sure there are guys out there who can make a woman come just by looking at her, but I’ve not met any (yet). Sex is pleasure, built up over time. From the moment you lock eyes with a person, to the foreplay, to penetration or stimulation, to repetition, to climax… the journey is buildable and if you skip ahead, you’ll likely set the time to orgasm back.
So why is it that some people feel the need to ask ‘did you come?’, ‘are you close?’ or ‘are you going to come for me, baby?’ before minute one is over?
You’ll know by her body whether she’s close to coming, so pay attention. If she pushes into you, she wants more of the same. If she moans and writhes, she’s getting there. If she digs in and calls your name, she’s close. If she says, ‘I’m coming, I’m coming, oh yes’, you’ve hit the damn jackpot. Well done.
2. “Get wet, baby!”
When a woman is sexually excited, blood flow increases to her genitals causing the clitoris and vulva to swell and the vagina to lubricate itself, or ‘get wet’. Arguably, penetration into a ripe, hot vagina is the best feeling, however a sure-fire way to slow her self-lubrication is by telling her to get wet prematurely.
There are physiological and psychological reasons why someone may not self-lubricate, so bringing this up with your lover should be done on her terms only. Asking prematurely could make her feel like she’s not enough or like she’s not performing, and that’s not a feeling anyone wants in bed.
Instead, use your body and (positive) words to feel her out and see if she’s ready. Lightly run your fingers around her vulva, extend foreplay by licking and sucking your way down her neck and onto her breasts, and grab her ass while pulling it into you. She’ll guide you in when she’s ready.
If all else fails and you’re both consenting, use a water-based lubrication.
3. “Your ass looks huge from this angle”
Regardless of how confident we come across while clothed, being naked when having sex can render women shy when it comes to our bodies. Not to mention the vulnerability that comes with opening yourself up to someone physically and emotionally. So, when a this (real-life) example of what not to say in bed was said, the understanding groans by other women was heard far and wide.
Any derogatory comment – unless encouraged by her, such as in the instance of dirty talk – should be left out of the bedroom.
Instead, make her feel like an absolute goddess. Worship her body, kiss and suck every inch, and use your voice to tell her how her ass looks delicious, how her breasts turn you on, and how she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.
4. “Mmmm, do you wish (insert best friend’s name) was here with us?”
I’m all for a threesome, however they need to be approached carefully. Unless you’ve previously discussed bringing this particular person into your bedroom to join you and your lover, don’t let the first time you broach the subject be mid-thrust.
Unless otherwise signalled by your partner, your attention and focus should be solely on the two of you. As with the ‘get wet’ comment, anything else could make her feel less than enough for you… and I guarantee she’ll wonder if you have always liked next time you all hang out together.
5. Nothing (Silence)
The only thing worse than hearing the wrong thing during sex is hearing crickets.
Silence – as in not even moans of pleasure – portrays someone who is not having a good time. It makes us second-guess everything we’re doing and you can be sure that if we second-guess too much, we’ll find a way to call it quits and get out of there.
Sex is best enjoyed when it’s rewarding for both parties, and the more you moan when they do something you like, the more they’ll do it next time (trust me). Rather than staying silent for risk of saying or doing something inappropriate, lean into it and let your involuntary moans of pleasure come forth. She will love you for it.
*If you need a hint, it should never seem to your girlfriend like you’re thinking of someone else during sex – much less her mother!
BARE Sexology is a content page that shares sex and relationships tips in bite-size snippets. Educate yourself via @baresexology.