How to Have a Successful Threesome

Tick it off your bucket list in 2020

Was your Christmas wish to finally have a threesome? You’re likely not alone. ‘Threesome’ was one of the top five categories searched for on pornography site, PornHub, in Australia in 2019, gaining three points from 2018 (FYI ‘Lesbian’ reigns supreme).* Here we break down the steps you need to have a successful threesome.

There are many ways for you to approach a threesome: two girls, two guys, two strangers, two people you know, your girlfriend/boyfriend and a stranger… For the purpose of this article, we’re pulling together our tips based on you, your girlfriend and a female stranger, however all the tips below could be interchangeable for your situation.

Why do you want a threesome?

As humans, we desire safety and adventure. When in a long-term relationship, those two things can have trouble co-existing. It’s often the rush, the thrill of the unknown that drives people to want something… else… from their relationship. An adventure; a threesome.

The first thing to ask yourself when you think, ‘I want to try a threesome’ should be ‘why’. Is there something missing from your relationship that can be fixed with communication or more spontaneity in your monogamous relationship? Or do the both of you want more adventure and is this a safe way for you to find it?

If it’s the latter, start the conversation in a neutral place (read: not the bedroom). Discuss the positives of your relationship and sex life, and how you would like to add someone in for the both of you to enjoy.

Who is your third?

Once you’re both aligned that you’d like to bring a third to the bedroom, it’s time to ask, ‘who?’. Our recommendation is not to dip your pen in the company ink, i.e. don’t bring someone you work with – or someone you know – into the bedroom. Feelings like jealousy can too easily come into play when your third is known on an emotional level.

Instead, find someone outside of your circles.

First discuss with your lover what you’re both attracted to. Use a ‘you say one, I say one’ approach, where you note a physical quality you would like the ideal addition to be, and she then adds another (brunette, buxom, short, tanned, etc). Finally, you’ll have an idea of a woman in mind – and be a little turned on, too.

Next, head out for the hunt. Download an app like Thrinder to find people looking for threesomes in your area, or head to your local watering hole and look around. Approach a potential threesome with the same flirt you would a person of interest – buy them a drink, banter, and ask whether they’d like to join you both later that evening.

What are your terms?

When the three of you are all on board, it’s time to set some boundaries. This part can be a little clinical, but it’s necessary for everyone to have a good time.

Discuss what you will and won’t do (no kissing on the mouth, no penetration, only oral sex, etc), consider where you’ll have your threesome (is a hotel less emotional than your shared bedroom, for instance?), what safe word will you use – and respect – if someone becomes uncomfortable during the act, and will this be a secret threesome or are you all happy to brag about it with your friends at the next summer barbecue?

Whatever you discuss and decide – both as a couple and a threesome – respect your boundaries and stick to them.

How to actually have the threesome

First and foremost, be safe and use a condom (even for oral). It’s a non-negotiable if you want to have worry-free, fun sex.

Try not to pair off. It’s important that your partner feels comfortable and as though you haven’t invited a third in just for you – share your new addition, watch as she enjoys her, touch yourself and each other, and be sure to show (physically and verbally) how much seeing your woman with another woman turns you on.

Have lube on hand, plus tissues and towels nearby for clean-up. Chances are if you’ve been looking forward to a threesome for some time, you may finish quicker than you’d like but still be up for round two (and then some). Have something nearby to wipe away any fluids so you can all get straight back into enjoying one another.

Ultimately, just go with the flow. Don’t force anything, don’t be afraid to laugh, do go where your bodies take you.

And when it’s all over? Decide early if the woman you enjoyed the evening with will leave immediately, or if you’re happy for them to stay and cuddle… and maybe be up for round two.

BARE Sexology is sex and relationships education platform. Follow the pleasure via @baresexology.

* PornHub, 2019 via https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2019-year-in-review