Fresh off arguably the worst comeback song ever produced, 39-year-old pop star turned seltzer mogul Katy Perry has announced, much to the bemusement of footy fans, that she is coming Down Under. The ‘Firework’ singer has been confirmed as the official pre-match entertainment for this year’s AFL Grand Final, substantiating what was already the sport’s worst-kept secret. It marks the second time that Perry will play at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, having already headlined the entertainment at the Women’s T20 World Cup in March 2020.
“I’m so excited to be back in Australia and back at the mighty MCG to perform in front of 100,000 of the best and loudest fans in the world at this year’s Toyota AFL Grand Final,” Perry said in a statement. “See you in September. Oi, Oi, Oi!”
The news was met with a lukewarm reception from local fans, with social media flooded with memes addressing the situation. In recent weeks, Perry has come under fire for her contentious decision to work with accused abuser/producer Dr. Luke on her ‘women’s empowerment’ album ‘143’. Leaving the accusations and Twitter furore to the side for one moment (if that’s even possible), the question remains: Is Katy Perry the right fit for this year’s Grand Final?
Now, I’m not jumping on the Katy Perry hate bandwagon. I love ‘Teenage Dream’ as much as the next guy, but the AFL Grand Final, much like Eurovision, represents a rare opportunity to push our homegrown talents. With that in mind, I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring, listing the acts that should be considered for a future AFL Grand Final performance. Queue the ‘Old Man Shouts at Cloud’ meme.
Amyl and the Sniffers
- Why? Local punk act with tonnes of energy. What’s not to love?
Not since Bon Scott donned a priest’s tunic and told the world to worship at the altar of rock ‘n roll has Australia had so much credibility in the music game, and Amyl and the Sniffers is a big reason why. The Melbourne act has carved out an incredible niche for high-octane performances loaded with innuendo, fire and a trademark Aussie ferocity. You want to get the people going pre-game? Listen to frontwoman Amy Taylor shout ‘Freaks to the front’ and tell me you aren’t ready to run through a brick wall.
ONEFOUR
- Why? Why should soccer have all the
flaresfun?
Football in the United Kingdom has this raw sense of danger that, while I don’t condone, I secretly enjoy. Part of that comes from the code’s unique connection to underground rap and drill music, which serves as a pumping soundtrack to an otherwise very f*cking boring sport. I propose we follow suit, enlisting the help of Mount Druitt’s finest, ONEFOUR. Think of how intense the game would be if all 46 players were subject to 15 minutes of hardcore eshay brutality. We might need to bump up the security and add a few more metal detectors to the gates, but I think it’s worth it.
The Whitlams
- Why? To keep the Sydneysiders happy.
Admittedly, I would generally leave The Whitlams off a list like this. However, it’s becoming increasingly likely that we’ll have (at least) one Sydney team in the Grand Final this year. With the Swans sitting pretty on top of the ladder, the AFL finds itself again in a bit of a conundrum. The northern states’ success generally leads to awkward and frankly nonsensical conversations about hosting duties, with the 2024 season unlikely to stray from that tired trope.
In my opinion, while you certainly can’t give New South Wales the game, largely because a Grand Final at the SCG would suck, you can bring a small piece of Sydney to Melbourne by having The Whitlams perform. Wouldn’t it be great to watch 95,000 Victorians awkwardly hum along as Tim Freedman waxes lyrical about the planes over Tempe or a dive bar in Newtown that closed in 1997? Imagine ‘Blow Up the Pokies’ blasting through speakers emblazoned with TAB gambling advertisements, echoing through a stadium littered with Ladbrokes ads while Nathan Brown plugs the latest Sportsbet figures. Oh, the sweet irony!
A Holographic Michael Hutchence-Fronted INXS
- Why? To keep this Port Adelaide fan happy.
If Ken Hinkley can resurrect Port Adelaide’s season, then surely we can harness that power of AI to revive the late, great Michael Hutchence. I’m not advocating for some kind of Chat-GPT-powered reanimation, but a visual aid accompanied by the currently breathing members of the iconic Aussie band could make for a seriously impressive pre-game spectacle. After all, the hologram frontman thing has been done in the past.
Outside of the obvious Power connection, INXS has previously performed at the AFL Grand Final, having done so with lead singer J.D. Fortune in 2010. Considering that led to a drawn result, prompting a re-do and subsequently generating double as much income for the sporting code, why not try it again? Lightning can sometimes strike twice.
Specifically ‘Freak Show’ Era Sliverchair
- Why? Because Australian music peaked in 1999.
When I was a kid, my parents drove us out to The Grampians for some reason, and the only two CDs my brother brought with us were ‘Dude Ranch’ by Blink-182 and Silverchair’s remarkable sophomore album, ‘Freak Show’. More than two decades after that holiday, I can still recall almost every word of those two releases, such was the audible impact they had on this impressionable young kid. Even now, ‘Freak Show’ absolutely slaps, and I challenge anyone not to go full ’90s creature as soon as songs like ‘Freak’ and ‘Abuse Me’ begin.
G Flip
- Why? Because G actually likes football and is Australia’s reigning ‘Best Live Act’
Yeah, I know G Flip has already done it. I don’t care. Shut up. Do you know how refreshing it is to have an AFL Grand Final performer who actually likes football? Crazy. I recently went to a G Flip show in Sydney and it was genuinely one of the best live music experiences I have had in years. The music is solid, the band is super tight, and G is an incredible frontperson. Just give them licence to do whatever they want.
King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
- Why? Local act with a million tracks to pull from.
Hometown heroes King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard are a no-brainer for the AFL Grand Final. The six-piece act is internationally renowned for its unique blend of psychedelic rock and garage metal, and what’s more, they have like 600 albums. Best of all, the band is actually super into footy, with members regularly appearing on podcasts like ‘The Footy with Broden Kelly’.
Baker Boy
- Why? Amazing live performer and a great opportunity to promote First Nations artists.
The AFL is great at highlighting the amazing contributions of our First Nation’s People, so why not make this a massive thing by having Baker Boy perform? The proud Yolngu rapper, dancer, artist, and actor is revered for performing original hip-hop songs that blend English and Yolŋu Matha languages. As an organisation that is really working to create a harmonious cultural environment, this seems like an obvious and highly entertaining partnership for the AFL.
The Chats
- Why? For the pub punters.
We know The Chats for their Smoko advocacy, but there is a lot more to this Sunshine Coast punk band than just taking a break. The three-piece lives and breathes everything that good Aussie pub footy fans love. A big cold beer? Nice. A good pub feed? Excellent. A durry the car park? F*ck yeah.
Shannon Noll
- Why? Why not?
Look, I don’t want to assume anything, but I’m pretty sure his calendar is open. Also, you cannot convince me that the man wasn’t robbed.
The Wrap-Up
With Katy Perry’s performance now officially locked in, complete with a very terrifying promotional image, this year’s AFL Grand Final looks to follow a familiar pattern – one that could do with a bit of reshuffling. Or you know, just get Barnesy back. Whatever.
